November 18, 2012

Sleeping with Trouble

So, I know I said I was going to stay away from Rush, but the attention I get from him is keeping me around, he IS really sweet, and not to mention the fact that we have recently started to sex it up...... I know I know dumb move, but to be honest it just kinda happened, I know that sounds cliche....but that's the truth. I will admit that the sex is good too...I know that's not a good enough reason to be doing what I'm doing, but that's all I got for now.....

Rush aside from the other things I brought up about him he does have some endearing qualities that make him pleasnat be around. He's sooooo fun to talk to and to hang out with he makes me laugh and all that other fun stuff. I hate to admit that personality wise he is growing on me, but I'm still not all the way physically attracted to him.... 

Well Damn.....

I can't finish a single post because shit keeps happening..... So here goes:

I lost my fucking job today!!!!

Granted I didn't care much for the department I was in, I definitely didn't want to leave the facility, but anyway, I got the fuckin boot!!! Now, I'm on a mad dash for a job because I'll be damned if my baby don't have a good Christmas. The only good thing about what happened is that I don't have to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas and the old dept is screwed over cause they don't have enough people working to be able to cover my shift (insert evil laugh here). But anyway, I'm still in shock. My tears flow randomly because I'm such a failure to my parents, my sister, myself, and my daughter. 

I feel like such a let down. I hope I can get back on my feet and get on them soon because I gotta make it. I don't want to be in that deadly depressed mode that I got to know all too well at one point. I just hope and pray that I don't stay down for long and when I get back up I'm doing things bigger and better than ever before.

I refuse to be a bottom bitch again,, I'm gonna make it and come out on top!!!

November 7, 2012

Letter to God......

Dear God,

As you know I am trying to better my life. Be a better mother, friend, daughter, sister...just a better person in general, but it is sooo hard. It seems like everyday I'm faced with something different and it just hurts. The more I try to better myslef as a person it seems to add more strain on my relationships with my family and some friends,, but mainly my parents and mostly my mother.

God, I just ask that you help me sort all of this out. Help my family grow to be a good example for my little girl. Help us to stop arguing and bickering over little things. Lord help us.

I ask that you help my family to try to know and understand me. Because right now no one does. They make me feel liuke I am all wrong for that household, like I REALLY don't belong there. It gets to the point at times that I feel like they want me to leave, you know like they would be better off without me. I love them and I really want us ALL to have a healthier relationship with one another and with You.

I want to follow the path that is right for me that is pleasing to You, but I also want to stay on that path without getting so emotionally intertwined when I'm done wrong or feel as if someone is doing me wrong. God, I just want to be a better person......

I would like to find love in person that also helps me become an even better person. I know that I have to wait, patiently for him, and get myself together first before this love can come along but, you can't blame a girl for asking. Also, allow my daughter to continue to experience genuine love...keep her happy and protected. I love so much and I want her to know that every day of her life.

God I just ask that you help me and my life become better and more stable. I need Your guidance.

~Blk BarB

November 5, 2012

Trouble Man

I should be studying for my biology and psychology test, but instead of doing that I'm going to talk about Rush....

Well, I think I have figured out why I have my reservations about Rush and this whole dating thing,, he is living a very street/hood life that I just can't get down with. Not to mention the fact that he still has yet to ask me out on a date,, I mean I like to go out to eat and be treated to a movie or something like that. But instead I only hear from him via text every once in a while and I only see him at work *yawn*. He's putting toward no effort to win me over especially with my recent discovery of his HOT lifestyle and his mislead family.

According to him, he has a brother that has been a ring leader in a string of home and church (yeah that's right,, I said CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!) invasions with adolescents and now dectives and shit have been all over him and his family. Then he lives the same type of lifestyle that Decent led before his death,, the drug life..... HE's a really nice guy that's fun to talk to and hang out with but I can't go down that route agsin and plus I'm still not attracted to him. I just like the attention I get from him. I will admit he makes me feel pretty and wanted. I haven't had that feeling come from a guy in a loooooong time so it's somewhat refreshing when I get that attention from him.
But anyway, back to the subject at hand, I just can't allow myself to get caught up, maybe that's why he's been keeping it at work,, I dunno ?!?!?!?. In alot of ways I feel like my life has been spared tremendously, when I used to ride around with Decent while he made his runs and stuff and I don't want to welcome any unwanted trouble especially since his fools for brothers are the pied pipers of thuggish children. I just need to stay away. But, on the other hand I feel really bad because he is fun to talk to....he has a very inviting personality; he really makes me feel comfortable and I like that about him......