Men, miscarriages, and suicide......

Boy oh boy, where has the time gone??????

I can't seem to stay on track. I don't even know where I left off....
I've had so much going on I really don't know where to start. Ugh, my life has literally been all over the place, and I don't have any normalcy going on right now and I really just want things to stop so I can take a deep breathe.

I guess I'll start with work:


Well not sure I said anything but I changed jobs a few months back and so far I like it. the only thing is I've gained weight, because now I have a desk job, verses me having on that had me moving from the time I clocked in to the time I clocked out. The job like I said is cool, but my co-workers are another story.
I get along with everyone for the most part but I'll try to break some them down with a quick summary:

Fertile: my lunch partner, she's young, naïve, un-cultured, ghetto and.... you guessed it FERTILE!!!! she's super young has a pre-k, 6mo old, and you guessed it she's preggo again. this chick has never been anywhere for real and only eats chicken fingers, so there ya go.

Thirsty: well...... she's THIRSTY. She's the single chick that doesn't have a man, and will sleep with anything that has a penis and makes eye contact with her. She carries the philosophy of "date a man with money, a nice car, his own place that's equally as nice, and depend on him for all your wants and needs". As you can see that philosophy isn't working out so well for her.

Meerkat: This is the nosiest person in the whole place!!!!! Get this it's a MAN!!! I call him meerkat because every time he hears someone talking his head pops up over his computer like a meerkat popping out of his borough. He's hella rude and annoying and just makes my ass itch.

There are a few others but these are the star players in the game of "get on my nerves".

Selfish:
Welp selfish and I are still talking. Things between us had gotten really good at one point. He even came and met my family!!!! Things were so good, we were even not just talking, but planning on getting MARRIED!!!!! We went to look at rings and all. But, that ship sailed when he found out I was still talking to a friend (who honestly was and still is attracted to me, but I just ignored it) that he had asked me to cut off communication with. So not only did we break up, we broke up 2 weeks before I was supposed to fly out and meet his family!!!! Long story short , I ended up still going.... we had great sex..... met some of his friends.... and eventually met his mother (for like 10min). We got back together but things have been pretty shitty since then. We don't talk, we barely text; I feel like he's cheating on me again... *** oooooh I forgot to mention, I hacked into his social media accounts and found out he was cheating on me and still kicking it with one his baby mommas***
I'll be honest tho, I kinda don't like it when he has control over communication ( i.e. me always having to call or initiate texts) I miss having that control and dictating how things went. This shit really sucks because I love this guy like for real love him and honestly I do want to marry him. We've been through so much and I know that isn't a reason to stay together, but this man really has my heart.

Selfish and I have worked thru a lot of things one of the hardest was a miscarriage I had before shortly after Thanksgiving. This makes the second one I've had. **btw, I finally ended up telling him about the first one**This baby I told him about immediately simply because I didn't want any secrets, but unfortunately, I lost this one.
I was a wreck, I cried, I lost sleep, couldn't eat.... While Selfish never really wanted to talk about it. he always brushed it off, I guess hoping the topic will eventually go away and get lost in all the other things we never really talked about; he never tried to get any closer. To this day I still don't know how he feels or even if cares. All I know is it still bothers me and still have so many "why's? and "what ifs?". Not saying I want to be like Fertile popping kids out left and right, I just wish that I still had a chance with that baby. You know, Selfish once said he thought I was jealous of his 2 other baby mommas...... who knows maybe deep down he was right. Maybe I'm jealous that they're kids are here and mine isn't,, maybe I'm jealous I couldn't give my daughter the little sister or brother she's always asking for....... Maybe.





Suicide: well I contemplated death. I attempted suicide.

Don't worry, I got help and now I'm working thru things one issue at a time.
I just got so consumed with sadness, emptiness, and loneliness..... I just wanted out! One thing about suicide, some people say it's selfish, but in my case I felt like things would be better. my daughter would be financially taken care of, my parents would no longer have anything to judge a criticize me about, my sister would be the only child (that's how my parents treat her) and would not have to worry about me resenting her or be jealous because she lives better and my parents treat her better than me.
I've got a long road ahead of me, but I just take each day one at a time and work thru each and every single issue..... I guess that's part of the reason I came back here. I had a place to talk about things and really air out my feelings without any judgement or restraint.



I'll be back soon, gotta get enrolled back in school, that will help me fill some voids while I work on other things and keep me tied up so I won't worry about Selfish and what he's doing. But, most importantly help me get a better life for myself and my little one.

What's Wrong With The Way We Are?

Okay so I've been talking to Selfish for almost 2 years now and we are still in the same spot. Every time I try to talk about our situation he either 1) blows it off. 2) talks about it briefly and then it goes on unresolved until I bring it up again.

I tell him all the time "if you don't see any potential in us or you don't see a future with me, let's cut this shit off now!". I also told him that if he doesn't have any real feelings for me then say so,, we are both grown so there is no need to sugar coat anything. But as men go he would never really open up. All he could say is "What's wrong with the way we are?". My response was "WE AREN'T ANYTHING,, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!!!". I mean in retrospect we are still single because there is no real definition to us and our interaction unless you call us "friends with relationship-like benefits" and I ain't really trying to hear that shit.

He said he loves me,, but he doesn't show it..... that's another thing that pisses me off when it comes to him. he doesn't show me anything,, except his dick when he wants sex,, but other than that I get nothing. If I say something about his lack of expression he still won't say anything. The only time he does is during sex and I definitely don't believe him then.

I really don't know what to do when it comes to him. I get so stressed out sometimes dealing with him and his shit. He wants me to listen when he talks about the things going on with his baby-mommas ( he has 2) but when I offer advice he's ready to go off..... Now when he tries to talk about either one and I change the subject he gets mad! I'm like dude you must really not care about how this stuff affects me.... especially when it comes to his youngest son,, that was the one you waited till he was about to be born before you even said anything about him! Ugh!!!!! That whole situation can still bring tears out of me. I thought by now I would've toughened up to the whole situation, but it still hurts. I'll admit I did find her on social media... ya know just to see what I was up against and in my honest opinion I think she's prettier than me. But that's neither here nor there cause I really had to sit myself down and say "This IS NOT a competition! Even if it was.... is HE what you honestly would consider a PRIZE???????". After that come to Jesus with myself I chilled out and now I just exist. I love him but this is really not what I want for another 2years.

He'll be close by in a week or so for the baby's birthday. I haven't really made mention of us seeing each other while he's close.  I think it may be best if we don't see each other. but at the same time I do want to see him. He's brought up coming to my city but I don't entertain it. I guess I'll just wait and see if he puts forth the effort and maybe then I'll attempt to resolve this "what are we?" situation. I dunno....... we shall see.

Drunken Rapist

The above is basically what I turned into with one of my co-workers. We went to a social event and then decided to go out to a bar afterwards.
By the time we had got to the bar I was already drunk (I had had about 8-10) glasses of wine, then turned around and started drinking at the bar.

Well apparently after the group we originally came with left; it was just me and him. The drinks were still flowing so by this time it was all alcohol present while the REAL me was in a corner sleep somewhere. As we talked the only thing that was on my mind was oral sex......and he be the receiver of it!

I propositioned and molested him several times before he gave in.
We leave the bar and then it begins...... I'm going at it. Hearing his heavy breathing and moans of pleasure really did something to me. I wasn't attracted to him in any way but for some reason I just wanted to be FUCKED!!! (sorry about the language,, but it's the truth).
The more I pleased him,, the more I wanted it..... Next thing you know we're kissing and in between feeling him up and trying to slow things down I keep whispering "fuck me,, please fuck me". *****I honestly don't know what had gotten into me (well.....yes I do.) But I've never been like that.... I kept kissing,, rubbing, licking ...... I just couldn't stay off of him!!!!

I give him mad props though,, because even though my advances were strong,, his willpower was stronger. He kept telling me " we can't cross that line"  and I would just suck him faster. He would say "you wanna do this for the wrong reasons,, you're just mad at Selfish" and I would kiss him harder. Then he said "I don't have any condoms" and my response was " don't worry,, I'll swallow it". !!!!!!!

******Hangs head in shame*********

Like,, I don't know what this means...... Am I desperate???? Was I really THAT mad at Selfish???? ( I gotta fill you in on him some more) Have I lost my luster when it comes to seduction???????? What is wrong with me????

That's not even the worst part..... he finally gets me off of him  long enough to get out and try to get me out of the passenger side of his car..... in protest I take off my panties and assume the position for him give it up. But,, he keeps saying " we can't cross that line" . So what do I do?????? I TAKE IT!!!!!! He Let's me get some then he pulls away and says "this is wrong B!". He gets me out of his car and into mine,, but before he could get his car in gear I was back!!! I threw my panties onto the passenger seat,, jumped back in my car and proceeded to follow him back to his place.
However in  the midst of  my drunken stupor I got his car confused with another and ended up at a gas station on the other side of town. Thankfully I was familiar with that side of town (I lived there with Decent for a few months) I went inside got some chicken wings and sobered myself up enough to get home in one piece.


I'm so ashamed!!!!!

 I played it off cool at work. We talked about it for a hot second and then we carried on like we usually do. But I did tell him I wouldn't drink around him anymore...... can't let the drunken rapist resurface again.

Emotional Wreck!

Where do I start????? Where do I begin?????? I'm just so freaking hurt and confused I don't know what to do. How is it that I love and care about someone so much and they hurt me so bad and yet we keep coming back for more?????

Then on the other hand there's another guy who is very sweet and IN LOVE with me,, but there is nothing there when it comes to him. I mean I like him and I enjoy our conversation and not too mention he feeds me (I know.....shallow,, right?!?!?) but other than that there's nothing........ NOTHING!!!!!!

I try my best to open my mind and find some type of attraction but I just can't. Physically there is none and as far surpassing the friend zone there is no attraction there either. The only good thing about it is he knows that I only want friendship,, but yet he pushes for something more. He even told his mother he was going to marry me!!!!!! That's laying it on waaaaay too thick being that the most he's ever got from me is a hug,, I mean I don't even let him in the house when he comes by to see me.....he gets straight porch action!!!!! Ugh!!!!

I think my frustration runs so deep because I want to take his sweetness and kindness and put it all into the selfish asshole that I love. (hmmmmm "Selfish" is a good name for him too,, and I think I'll call the other guy ,,, ummmm "Nice"). If I could just get Selfish to be somewhat close to Nice is I wouldn't cry so much!!!!

I'm happy but yet unhappy its ridiculous!!!! Thinking back to when Decent was alive I had my downward moments,, you know the times when he took me for granted. But at some point he always had a moment of clarity and made things right and really put forth the effort to make changes for the better. My God! I miss decent so much! I think that's one of the reasons I cry too; if Decent never got killed then I probably would have never crossed paths with Selfish and Nice would have stayed on the side line. I just miss him so much and I think of him all the time. I just want him here with me and our daughter..... I just want my life to make sense again.... I want my heart to stop hurting.... I want the hurt from selfish to stop and just go away. I want the love that I had!!!!

I'm so broken!!!! I honestly don't think I can be put back together. I just want to just disappear and be okay.

Let's Have a Threesome!

OK so... the guy I've been talking to asked me about a threesome. Well he told me he wanted to have one. Initially I was like "No". Simply because I'm trying to pursue a relationship with you and I feel like if I allow something like that to happen then he'll think it's okay to solicit other girls whether he's in the mood for some three-way action or he just may want a one-on-one session with the chick we had the three way with thinking it would be okay since I had sex with her too.

But then again I thought about it. Maybe a threesome is what I needed to start distancing myself from him. I know for a fact that if we did have one I would totally look at him in a different light and fall back super hard on him. So I told him I changed my mind.... if that's what he wanted then let's do it. He asked had I ever had one before and I told him "yes; As a matter of fact the couple that I had one with wants to have another when they come back to this side of town for a visit". He didn't like the sound of that he quickly said that the only three way that went down is the one that included him and that the only way I could get with the couple is if the 3-way changed to a 4-way. He then asks if we did have a threesome how it would affect me and him. I was honest and told him there would be no "us",, I would fall back and just let this distance grow until we eventually stopped talking.

I just feel like any guy that has a threesome is not into either girl. They are just getting their rocks off until the right one comes along and personally I don't want to be romantically involved with someone I had a three-some with. If I have one with you ,, we don't have anything else in common,, we won't go out for drinks,, we will barely talk. That's just where I stand on that and I told him. I told him that my feelings toward him would end that day and he wouldn't have to worry with dealing with me on a romantic level. He then says that he doesn't want a threesome anymore because in his exact words.... "I don't mess up what I have going with you,, I don't wanna lose you over something like that". Ugh what do I do?!?!?!?!? Do I keep things going with him or do I cut them off. I have feelings for him and I do love him,, but his indecisiveness is just taking it's toll.

I really don't know what I wanna do. I don't wanna lose him but I don't want to keep up with this back and forth that we have going. It's like do I hold on and see where things go or do I have this threesome which would be the chainsaw that cuts our ties for good???????? His Ideology about threesomes is the total opposite though. He doesn't think the "main chick" is someone he can't or doesn't want to be with ....that position is for the extra chick. He feels like that's something that can be done once every blue moon with the girl he's dating just add some excitement here and there. I just don't agree with that.

I will admit a part of me does want to do it. Then the other part of me doesn't because I honestly don't want to see him having sex with another chick and he still expect us to be building a relationship together.

 Ugh!!! I know it sounds really stupid,, but this is my reality...... This is the type of shit that I deal with....

I Had a Baby,, But He Never Knew.....

Shortly after I found out about the baby (see previous post) I found out that I would be having one of my own.....  In the normal fashion most women would call the "father -to -be" and let him know what the deal was. In my case,, I didn't.

I sat there looking at the test thinking "what am I gonna do? How am I gonna tell him I'M pregnant and he's already freaking out about this kid he just told me about?" "Will he disown me and the baby? " "Will he embrace us?". There were so many questions and fears running thru my head I didn't know where to start or what to do,, so I just kept it to myself.

It was so hard playing it off like nothing was going on. So many conversations went by without me uttering a word. I knew I needed to say something though because the time slot for selfishness aka the window of time to get an abortion, was quickly coming to an end. I'll admit I thought about just going to secretly have the abortion and just take that to the grave with me. I would drive out to the clinic and ask myself "are you really gonna do this?".... but I could never bring myself to actually go inside. Instead I called my doctor,, told her what was going on and she told me to come in the next day.

At the doctors office,, even though it was very pre-mature,, I got an ultrasound. I heard the baby's little heartbeat and just cried and cried and cried....... How could I be that selfish that I was going to take away from something so innocent and so precious??? How could I punish someone who didn't even ask to be here???????

How could I?????

My doctor,, knowing that I was a depressed emotional wreck told me to come in the next week to check on baby,, but little did we both know that by my next appointment there would be no heartbeat to hear.....

On the day of my appointment I woke up feeling alittle off, but really didn't pay it any attention. I get to my OB's office and my stomach starts to hurt,, you know the kinda stomach ache you get when you feel like you have to get to a bathroom ASAP?!?!? That's how I felt. I felt something running down my leg so I ask the receptionist if I could go on back so that I could use the restroom. She lets me thru and as soon as I get in the bathroom I lift up my dress only to see blood running down my leg. I press the help button and my nurse came immediately.

One look at me and she calls for my doctor. At this point people are starting to get nosey and start trying to walk past and see what was going on,, all I remember thinking is "don't cry". I guess I didn't want to scare the newly pregnant ladies or the ones who were about to pop. The last thing I remember was hearing my doctor say "It's gonna be okay....",, then everything went black.

I passed out right there in the bathroom. I don't know if it was from shock,, blood loss,, the heat from all those people in that tiny bathroom,, or all the above....I don't know. I do know that when I woke up my doctor was right there. She sat me up and told me that the baby was gone....that I had miscarried. I cried.

I think my tears were a mixture though. I cried tears of sadness that I had just lost a life I was carrying ,, but they were also tears of relief... I was relieved I didn't have to stress or worry about whether or not I would be a single parent a second time around. I didn't have to tell him anything now... it would be a no harm,, no foul type of situation.

I carried on for months like nothing had ever happened. He knew something was wrong though because I wasn't really myself. My hormones were still off balance,, I guess it was from the stress of pretending like nothing happened. But I knew at some point I was gonna have to tell him........and honestly I wasn't ready.

Confessions of a SIde Chick (continued)

Time passes and we have a bond closer than ever,, we've even taken some trips out to see each other,, but like always when I think things are good between us,, something goes wrong. This go around....it was something I just wasn't expecting. I'll admit this particular incident still bothers me and it really makes me feel like I should've left a long time ago,, but yet I'm still here.....


So that is where I left off in my last post. I must say since then nothing much has changed,, but I'll fill you in anyway....

I get a call one day. Just laying in bed watching a Snapped marathon and he calls. I notice he has a nervous tone in his voice,, but I shake it off thinking it may be something going on at work. We talk about a few things and then he starts to get to the point of his call....

Him: do you really have feelings for me?
Me: yes
Him: Hypothetically speaking what if I told you I had another child?
Me: That would depend on if it was before me or after me,, but it sounds like you're trying to tell me something.
Him: (silence......)
Me: Are you saying you have another kid??? Don't lie to me!!!!
Him: .........yeah,, but it was before I met you. I just been trying to figure out how to tell you....

I haven't really gotten over the whole baby thing,, However I did meet the baby. I was apprehensive , but the way he looked at me with those big brown eyes I felt so bad for....dare I say it...."hating" him. The mom hates me tho. She's one of those "if we cant be in a relationship,, you can't see your child" type of bitch,, just plain ole petty and ignorant. The sad part is her family is just as bad.

 I try to walk away but he keeps acting like he's gonna fight for this to work out. I say I'm done and I don't want to do this anymore and he reassures me he's gonna do better by me and he's gonna change and he's ready for a real relationship with me. Buthten nothing happens after that. I don't get it why keep me hanging on????? I mean do you really want me or are you just hanging on to me until "the one" comes along?????

I'll admit at first it was about having a title,, you know being called his "girlfriend",, but now it waaaaay past that. I'm at the point of "why are we doing this????" we have NO  boundaries,, well let me rephrase that....HE has no boundaries,, I do. Then this whole baby situation makes it worse!!!! Like,, why are you keeping me around?????

Ugh!!!! I'm so confused..... Am I a SIDECHICK???? Am I the one he wants????  Am I what he needs??????