Love Isn't For Me It Seems....

Every time I meet a guy it just fizzles before it can even begin. It's like a continuous cycle or something. I meet a guy...think I'm going to see or hear from him again....and then **poof** he's gone like he never even existed!!!! The killing part about it all is that the guys approach me!!!!! It's not like I'm chasing them around with pick-up lines in tow to woo them in. I just don't get it?!!?!?!?!  For example,, I met a cutie the other night at a local bar. He approached me gave me his number and took me to my car afterwards,, he texted me to make sure I made it some safe and BOOM-he's gone!!! I haven't heard from him since,, and I know it's not something I said...'cause hell the only thing I did say was: yes I made it home, thanks for checking on me, talk to you later. Did I use too many commas or something????? What did I do to make him approach and then just walk away???? Maybe he has a girl or something.....I don't know, but if that's the case,, why even bother me????

I guess I feel this way because I am sooooo tired of being alone, and I know I know God will send the right one in due time, but can I least get a date Lord???? Dinner, a movie, something???? It seems like any guy that I meet, I feel that I can at least have a decent friendship with them, but they don't ever come back around. Could it be that because I have a child they think I want thim to be a daddy to her?? If that's the case that's totally wrong, but I feel like I shouldn't have to come with a disclaimer on my forehead saying: Even though her father is dead, she still has one..so no need to feel like she's gonna want to call you "daddy" any time soon...

Honestly I really don't like to have to tell guys my situation, I'd rather we leave it at "oh you have a daughter?" instead of "oh you have a daughter,, so is her dad in the picture?" I think that's the problem with a lot of guys these days; they feel like if a girl has a child and she is not with the father, then that girl is going to expect them to take up the slack for what the biological dad isn't doing. Now, I'm not saying there aren't females out there like that...because there are...I'm saying in particular that I'm not like that. The KILLING part about it all is the ones that are looking for a substitute father are the ones getting the dudes!!!! Now along with that statement I do know that some of these dudes are worse than the dad themselves, but still these bitches STILL pulling dudes.

I was told by Rush that maybe it's my demeanor, he says I tend to have a "what this nigga want? " look on my face when dudes talk to me. He says I look intimidating. I will tell ya'll just like I told him, "that's just how I look, I don't do it intetionally, that's just my normal facial expression, you know when I'm off to myself...they would think I was crazy if I walked around smiling for no reason!" I did take heed to what Rush was saying and made a conscious effort to try to "soften"  my look but then I felt like I was trying to hard to BE approachable.

I tell you what the way that things have been going for the past 2 going on 3yrs I am really starting to think that love and relationships aren't for me any more...it seems as if all of that died along with Decent.......
/
Anyway let me stop writing about this cause I'm about to get irritated and when I get irritated my head itches and that 's bad business when you have a 3month old sew-in.........

eh!

-my computer died, but my new one came last week,, still trying to get used to it....it's got that Windows 8 shit on it....

-I got to take a little weekend getaway and see New Guy I was surprised my folks kept my daughter, but I didn't hang around trying to find out why they had a change of heart; I got the hell on out while I could.

-Online Success dude is trying to come back, but I think it's because he wants sex and I just don't want to deal with him on that level anymore...

-Still sexing it up with Rush

-I got a job offer but the pay is shit... I had another interview with a different place,, I'm hoping they call me back with some good news,, if not I'll formally accept the other one. I just hate I will still be in a financial hole. But I do realize that LOW pay is better than NO pay.

-I met another guy at a local spot he seems pretty cool,, but I don't know....we'll see

- School is kicking my ass!!!!! Ugh!!!! :o(




******A real more in depth post is coming soon,, I just gotta get caught up on this school shit first....I won't be gone long.......I promise!!!!

How The Hell Are Ya?????

It seems like since I've been out of a J-O-B, a lot has been happening, well not really a lot just enough to keep my mind off being jobless. But anyway, here's the latest in my jobless little life:





Rush- So........ Rush and I have been sexing it up a lot lately and it is good sex. I must admit though, he is growing on me more and more. He's a really cool guy with a good sense of humor; the only thing I don't really care much for is the fact that he talks about females he's been with.......A LOT!!!!! It gets really annoying not to mention I know a few of the girls he talks about. But I don't say anything because at the end of the day I just want to have sex and go on about my business.

School- Well I passed 3 of my 4 classes this semester (I don't know about the 4th class yet because my teacher is slow as Christmas). But I think I did ok in the class...we'll see.

Job Search- Well, I've been searching for a job for a month now. I'm happy to say a lot of people from my old job are really rallying behind me and trying to help me find something else. I'm just filling out apps and praying that somethings through. But I feel like I really won't be hearing anything until after Christmas... Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Sexy Mexi- he's getting deployed next month..... *yawn*

The "Online Success" Guy- He is NO MORE,, he told me he was talking to somebody so I fell back and then he has the nerve to text me asking about some head.... Hmmmmpf

New Guy- The other day I did meet a really cute and nice guy. He's a friend of my cousin... But, don't worry I'm not getting too excited about him cause he lives in another state. But we'll see.....

My Mom- Things still aren't good between us.....in fact they're worse! We've gotten into several nuclear arguments,, one of which took place in front of my daughter (my mom even tried to get physical. Luckily my dad was there to break it up, because if she had've hit me....especially in front on my baby....it would've went down. I mean I know that's my momma but I'm also a grown woman and I WILL NOT be disrespected for no reason).

Random- I got a new phone :)

Well that's all I can think of right now..... I'll be back soon!!!! 

Sleeping with Trouble

So, I know I said I was going to stay away from Rush, but the attention I get from him is keeping me around, he IS really sweet, and not to mention the fact that we have recently started to sex it up...... I know I know dumb move, but to be honest it just kinda happened, I know that sounds cliche....but that's the truth. I will admit that the sex is good too...I know that's not a good enough reason to be doing what I'm doing, but that's all I got for now.....

Rush aside from the other things I brought up about him he does have some endearing qualities that make him pleasnat be around. He's sooooo fun to talk to and to hang out with he makes me laugh and all that other fun stuff. I hate to admit that personality wise he is growing on me, but I'm still not all the way physically attracted to him.... 

Well Damn.....

I can't finish a single post because shit keeps happening..... So here goes:


I lost my fucking job today!!!!




Granted I didn't care much for the department I was in, I definitely didn't want to leave the facility, but anyway, I got the fuckin boot!!! Now, I'm on a mad dash for a job because I'll be damned if my baby don't have a good Christmas. The only good thing about what happened is that I don't have to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas and the old dept is screwed over cause they don't have enough people working to be able to cover my shift (insert evil laugh here). But anyway, I'm still in shock. My tears flow randomly because I'm such a failure to my parents, my sister, myself, and my daughter. 

I feel like such a let down. I hope I can get back on my feet and get on them soon because I gotta make it. I don't want to be in that deadly depressed mode that I got to know all too well at one point. I just hope and pray that I don't stay down for long and when I get back up I'm doing things bigger and better than ever before.

I refuse to be a bottom bitch again,, I'm gonna make it and come out on top!!!

Letter to God......

Dear God,

As you know I am trying to better my life. Be a better mother, friend, daughter, sister...just a better person in general, but it is sooo hard. It seems like everyday I'm faced with something different and it just hurts. The more I try to better myslef as a person it seems to add more strain on my relationships with my family and some friends,, but mainly my parents and mostly my mother.


God, I just ask that you help me sort all of this out. Help my family grow to be a good example for my little girl. Help us to stop arguing and bickering over little things. Lord help us.


I ask that you help my family to try to know and understand me. Because right now no one does. They make me feel liuke I am all wrong for that household, like I REALLY don't belong there. It gets to the point at times that I feel like they want me to leave, you know like they would be better off without me. I love them and I really want us ALL to have a healthier relationship with one another and with You.


I want to follow the path that is right for me that is pleasing to You, but I also want to stay on that path without getting so emotionally intertwined when I'm done wrong or feel as if someone is doing me wrong. God, I just want to be a better person......


I would like to find love in person that also helps me become an even better person. I know that I have to wait, patiently for him, and get myself together first before this love can come along but, you can't blame a girl for asking. Also, allow my daughter to continue to experience genuine love...keep her happy and protected. I love so much and I want her to know that every day of her life.


God I just ask that you help me and my life become better and more stable. I need Your guidance.




~Blk BarB

Trouble Man

I should be studying for my biology and psychology test, but instead of doing that I'm going to talk about Rush....





Well, I think I have figured out why I have my reservations about Rush and this whole dating thing,, he is living a very street/hood life that I just can't get down with. Not to mention the fact that he still has yet to ask me out on a date,, I mean I like to go out to eat and be treated to a movie or something like that. But instead I only hear from him via text every once in a while and I only see him at work *yawn*. He's putting toward no effort to win me over especially with my recent discovery of his HOT lifestyle and his mislead family.

According to him, he has a brother that has been a ring leader in a string of home and church (yeah that's right,, I said CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!) invasions with adolescents and now dectives and shit have been all over him and his family. Then he lives the same type of lifestyle that Decent led before his death,, the drug life..... HE's a really nice guy that's fun to talk to and hang out with but I can't go down that route agsin and plus I'm still not attracted to him. I just like the attention I get from him. I will admit he makes me feel pretty and wanted. I haven't had that feeling come from a guy in a loooooong time so it's somewhat refreshing when I get that attention from him.
But anyway, back to the subject at hand, I just can't allow myself to get caught up, maybe that's why he's been keeping it at work,, I dunno ?!?!?!?. In alot of ways I feel like my life has been spared tremendously, when I used to ride around with Decent while he made his runs and stuff and I don't want to welcome any unwanted trouble especially since his fools for brothers are the pied pipers of thuggish children. I just need to stay away. But, on the other hand I feel really bad because he is fun to talk to....he has a very inviting personality; he really makes me feel comfortable and I like that about him......