Sleeping with Trouble

So, I know I said I was going to stay away from Rush, but the attention I get from him is keeping me around, he IS really sweet, and not to mention the fact that we have recently started to sex it up...... I know I know dumb move, but to be honest it just kinda happened, I know that sounds cliche....but that's the truth. I will admit that the sex is good too...I know that's not a good enough reason to be doing what I'm doing, but that's all I got for now.....

Rush aside from the other things I brought up about him he does have some endearing qualities that make him pleasnat be around. He's sooooo fun to talk to and to hang out with he makes me laugh and all that other fun stuff. I hate to admit that personality wise he is growing on me, but I'm still not all the way physically attracted to him.... 

Well Damn.....

I can't finish a single post because shit keeps happening..... So here goes:


I lost my fucking job today!!!!




Granted I didn't care much for the department I was in, I definitely didn't want to leave the facility, but anyway, I got the fuckin boot!!! Now, I'm on a mad dash for a job because I'll be damned if my baby don't have a good Christmas. The only good thing about what happened is that I don't have to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas and the old dept is screwed over cause they don't have enough people working to be able to cover my shift (insert evil laugh here). But anyway, I'm still in shock. My tears flow randomly because I'm such a failure to my parents, my sister, myself, and my daughter. 

I feel like such a let down. I hope I can get back on my feet and get on them soon because I gotta make it. I don't want to be in that deadly depressed mode that I got to know all too well at one point. I just hope and pray that I don't stay down for long and when I get back up I'm doing things bigger and better than ever before.

I refuse to be a bottom bitch again,, I'm gonna make it and come out on top!!!

Letter to God......

Dear God,

As you know I am trying to better my life. Be a better mother, friend, daughter, sister...just a better person in general, but it is sooo hard. It seems like everyday I'm faced with something different and it just hurts. The more I try to better myslef as a person it seems to add more strain on my relationships with my family and some friends,, but mainly my parents and mostly my mother.


God, I just ask that you help me sort all of this out. Help my family grow to be a good example for my little girl. Help us to stop arguing and bickering over little things. Lord help us.


I ask that you help my family to try to know and understand me. Because right now no one does. They make me feel liuke I am all wrong for that household, like I REALLY don't belong there. It gets to the point at times that I feel like they want me to leave, you know like they would be better off without me. I love them and I really want us ALL to have a healthier relationship with one another and with You.


I want to follow the path that is right for me that is pleasing to You, but I also want to stay on that path without getting so emotionally intertwined when I'm done wrong or feel as if someone is doing me wrong. God, I just want to be a better person......


I would like to find love in person that also helps me become an even better person. I know that I have to wait, patiently for him, and get myself together first before this love can come along but, you can't blame a girl for asking. Also, allow my daughter to continue to experience genuine love...keep her happy and protected. I love so much and I want her to know that every day of her life.


God I just ask that you help me and my life become better and more stable. I need Your guidance.




~Blk BarB

Trouble Man

I should be studying for my biology and psychology test, but instead of doing that I'm going to talk about Rush....





Well, I think I have figured out why I have my reservations about Rush and this whole dating thing,, he is living a very street/hood life that I just can't get down with. Not to mention the fact that he still has yet to ask me out on a date,, I mean I like to go out to eat and be treated to a movie or something like that. But instead I only hear from him via text every once in a while and I only see him at work *yawn*. He's putting toward no effort to win me over especially with my recent discovery of his HOT lifestyle and his mislead family.

According to him, he has a brother that has been a ring leader in a string of home and church (yeah that's right,, I said CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!) invasions with adolescents and now dectives and shit have been all over him and his family. Then he lives the same type of lifestyle that Decent led before his death,, the drug life..... HE's a really nice guy that's fun to talk to and hang out with but I can't go down that route agsin and plus I'm still not attracted to him. I just like the attention I get from him. I will admit he makes me feel pretty and wanted. I haven't had that feeling come from a guy in a loooooong time so it's somewhat refreshing when I get that attention from him.
But anyway, back to the subject at hand, I just can't allow myself to get caught up, maybe that's why he's been keeping it at work,, I dunno ?!?!?!?. In alot of ways I feel like my life has been spared tremendously, when I used to ride around with Decent while he made his runs and stuff and I don't want to welcome any unwanted trouble especially since his fools for brothers are the pied pipers of thuggish children. I just need to stay away. But, on the other hand I feel really bad because he is fun to talk to....he has a very inviting personality; he really makes me feel comfortable and I like that about him......

Karma wasted NO time.....

Since my last declaration, about my involvement with Basketball, I have really stuck to not seeing him answering his phone calls or anything like that when it comes to him. So my birthday was at the first of the month and surprisingly I get a call from him. I was secretly pleased that he remembered but I kept the convo short and sweet. 

After that initial call I made sure to stay away from him because I knew what would soon follow......an invitation for a "session". I was doing really good too! I knew his birthday was 6 days after mine so I was anticipating a call from him; and sure enough the friday before his birthday he calls......
He asks if he can see me, you know since he hasn't seen me in a minute and because I don't answer any of his phone calls. I still don't know why I did this, but I obliged his request. We meet up in our "spot" and we talk for a minute. We make casual conversation, you know me asking about his baby and how work is going, him asking about my loveless life. After about 15-20min of talking he starts going through the motions of departing. He leans in to kiss me and I pull away. I tell him that this isn't right and that we said we weren't going down that route anymore. He then looks at me oh so pitiful and says that he's missed me and that a "session" would be his birthday gift. Just so you know, I did not fall for that whole birthday gift line. What I fell for was that TV chin grab right before a kiss move. (I don't know what it is....it's something about that move that makes me weak). But anyway, we start going at it and then I realize I. Taste. Cinnamon. ***Mind you I am HIGHLY allergic to cinnamon like major swelling, constricted airway type of allergic.*** I immediately tell him to stop and of course he questions what's wrong and I say:
"You're chewing cinnamon gum!"
Him: "Yeah? So?
Me: I'm Allergic...
HIm: Oh Shit! You gonna be okay?
Me: If I don't get to some Benadryl or Epi,, no.
Him: I'm sorry,, I'm sorry.....damn man!!! I'm sorry. Go handle that. Call me and let me know you're ok....

By the time I got hold to some Benadryl and into a bathroom, my mouth was looking like Professor Klump!!!!!! My shit was so big I was starting to not recognize myself!!!!!! That Bitch Karma wasted NO TIME letting my ass know what the deal was. That shit came back on me instantly. But then again, maybe that was a good thing. Maybe She went on ahead and got my ass so that things won't get fucked up with me and the possible new boo?!?!?!?!?

 I don't know but we will see....But damn karma got my ass good!

Online Success

So I have still been doing this online dating thing and I have FINALLY met someone with some potential. I will admit that when I first met him I really didn't like him all that much....I found him to be cocky and insensitive. But, I still wanted to try to get to know him before I stuck with that perception of him. After hanging out with him a couple of times and and many phone texts/conversations he turned out to be a pretty decent dude.

To be honest I've been really careful with him. I don't want to be in a "Sexy Mexi" situation with him, you know when I'm digging him so much that I'm oblivious to the fact that he doesn't give 2 damns about me... and the only time I'm at the top of his list is when he wants to sex it up. But, I will admit he has grown on me significantly I have to continuously remind myself to not let myself get too involved and don't really read into anything he says; simply put... don't put all you r faith in him and then look stupid all due to the fact that you read into every line that came out of his perfect mouth.

In recent conversations he has hinted towards wanting a girlfriend and in some of these hints he has been, to me, insinuating that it is me he is referring to. I will admit I do get a little excited, but I quickly get back to earth and back to reality. I'm gonna tread softly for a while when it comes to him and just kinda sit back and observe him and where his head is at......

Trust Me, I'm A Doctor.....

Are women still ashamed to talk about or admit they give head????





Honestly, I do talk about it, more so with Bestie, but I really don't talk about it a whole lot. The only reason I'm bringing it up now is because it seems as if that's my sexual specialty. I won't say I DON'T like giving head, because I really don't mind.....unless the dick looks a little disturbing....(you know, not every dude has a "lights on" piece,, some of them when you see it, you change your mind about everything. You lose all interest in sex and in that person. Either that, or you really only wanted that person just for plain ol' sex with no oral or maybe one-sided oral...you know when you're the only person getting something out of it...) But anyway, that's another post for another day....


Now, back to what I was saying, giving head seems to be my sexual specialty. Now let me state my disclaimer on this. I don't just go aroung sucking every dick in front of me, I'm more of a..... if you give you will receive type of...hmmm ...head doctor, nah that sounds too raunchy......How about Doctor of Headology or expert Headologist. Ooh ooh Dean of Dome! You know what I'm trying to say. For those who have been lucky enough to experience my talents....they have given me rave reviews on my head game. In fact, I think head is one reason why Sexy Mexi is still around, because all conversations with him lead to it Hmmmmmmm *ponders this for a moment* 


I'm not saying that head has been what's been keeping some of the dudes that I talk about around. I'm just saying that it's something that keeps them sexually intrigued. Sometimes I wonder if this is a craft I should perfect, not for random dudes, but for THE dude for me???



I will admit that Decent is the one who taught me how to do it right, in fact he taught me everything about sex, before him I knew absolutely NOTHING! Decent is the one who told all the things to do as far as pleasing such a sensitive area. But anyway, ultimately I'm not sure about how I feel about this revelation.... In some ways I feel good, ya know, like....I could be a porn star with this type of talent. In other ways I feel ashamed, like people including the guys probably think I'm a promiscuous whore.... which is totally not the case. 


But anyway, I guess that's it for now.........