Alone in the World Without a Sweater

As the days creep closer to the anniversary of Decent's death, I feel so alone and sad. I keep having these "if he made it would life be like this?" dreams. Which in turn only place more emphasis on the fact that he's gone and I'm here still somewhat in the same place I was in on the day I lost him.

He wasn't the greatest guy, but he was MY guy. He didn't do right all the time, but I know leading up to his death he was really trying to be better; he was trying to show me and those around us that he did deserve me. But, sadly it was too late. I have so many dreams about him and how I feel like my life would be if he was still around. I can say FOR SURE that there would be no Basketball, Sexy Mexi, Fishy, Old Man (for damn sure), and no Rush crowding the pages of my life.

I think the thing that I hate the most about his passing( besides him actually passing) is the fact that the loose ends as far as the females he talked to (when we were together and separated....I know how that sounds) weren't tied up....
When other females mention him it, to me, seems like they are trying to say he was with them more, he meant more to them....like he cared for and loved them more than me.

When he died at his funeral, I "met" 3 other "girlfriends" and "so in love exes" which made his death all the more painful. To be pregnant and to hear all these claims on him and him not being there to shut them down if they were false or explain if they were true.

All I know is that I miss him so much.... I wish my daughter could know him. I really want to see how they would have interacted together, you know, see her give her little hugs and kisses to him or even just see them have a conversation. I wanted to see him asleep with her laying on his chest or jumping on the bed to wake him up in the morning. I'm not saying I couldn't have this later on down the line when I meet somebody worth actually getting to know. I just wanted all of this with him.

Now I'm by myself trying to find the starting point for starting over. Starting, life love and happiness all over again......