Men, miscarriages, and suicide......

Boy oh boy, where has the time gone??????

I can't seem to stay on track. I don't even know where I left off....
I've had so much going on I really don't know where to start. Ugh, my life has literally been all over the place, and I don't have any normalcy going on right now and I really just want things to stop so I can take a deep breathe.

I guess I'll start with work:


Well not sure I said anything but I changed jobs a few months back and so far I like it. the only thing is I've gained weight, because now I have a desk job, verses me having on that had me moving from the time I clocked in to the time I clocked out. The job like I said is cool, but my co-workers are another story.
I get along with everyone for the most part but I'll try to break some them down with a quick summary:

Fertile: my lunch partner, she's young, naïve, un-cultured, ghetto and.... you guessed it FERTILE!!!! she's super young has a pre-k, 6mo old, and you guessed it she's preggo again. this chick has never been anywhere for real and only eats chicken fingers, so there ya go.

Thirsty: well...... she's THIRSTY. She's the single chick that doesn't have a man, and will sleep with anything that has a penis and makes eye contact with her. She carries the philosophy of "date a man with money, a nice car, his own place that's equally as nice, and depend on him for all your wants and needs". As you can see that philosophy isn't working out so well for her.

Meerkat: This is the nosiest person in the whole place!!!!! Get this it's a MAN!!! I call him meerkat because every time he hears someone talking his head pops up over his computer like a meerkat popping out of his borough. He's hella rude and annoying and just makes my ass itch.

There are a few others but these are the star players in the game of "get on my nerves".

Selfish:
Welp selfish and I are still talking. Things between us had gotten really good at one point. He even came and met my family!!!! Things were so good, we were even not just talking, but planning on getting MARRIED!!!!! We went to look at rings and all. But, that ship sailed when he found out I was still talking to a friend (who honestly was and still is attracted to me, but I just ignored it) that he had asked me to cut off communication with. So not only did we break up, we broke up 2 weeks before I was supposed to fly out and meet his family!!!! Long story short , I ended up still going.... we had great sex..... met some of his friends.... and eventually met his mother (for like 10min). We got back together but things have been pretty shitty since then. We don't talk, we barely text; I feel like he's cheating on me again... *** oooooh I forgot to mention, I hacked into his social media accounts and found out he was cheating on me and still kicking it with one his baby mommas***
I'll be honest tho, I kinda don't like it when he has control over communication ( i.e. me always having to call or initiate texts) I miss having that control and dictating how things went. This shit really sucks because I love this guy like for real love him and honestly I do want to marry him. We've been through so much and I know that isn't a reason to stay together, but this man really has my heart.

Selfish and I have worked thru a lot of things one of the hardest was a miscarriage I had before shortly after Thanksgiving. This makes the second one I've had. **btw, I finally ended up telling him about the first one**This baby I told him about immediately simply because I didn't want any secrets, but unfortunately, I lost this one.
I was a wreck, I cried, I lost sleep, couldn't eat.... While Selfish never really wanted to talk about it. he always brushed it off, I guess hoping the topic will eventually go away and get lost in all the other things we never really talked about; he never tried to get any closer. To this day I still don't know how he feels or even if cares. All I know is it still bothers me and still have so many "why's? and "what ifs?". Not saying I want to be like Fertile popping kids out left and right, I just wish that I still had a chance with that baby. You know, Selfish once said he thought I was jealous of his 2 other baby mommas...... who knows maybe deep down he was right. Maybe I'm jealous that they're kids are here and mine isn't,, maybe I'm jealous I couldn't give my daughter the little sister or brother she's always asking for....... Maybe.





Suicide: well I contemplated death. I attempted suicide.

Don't worry, I got help and now I'm working thru things one issue at a time.
I just got so consumed with sadness, emptiness, and loneliness..... I just wanted out! One thing about suicide, some people say it's selfish, but in my case I felt like things would be better. my daughter would be financially taken care of, my parents would no longer have anything to judge a criticize me about, my sister would be the only child (that's how my parents treat her) and would not have to worry about me resenting her or be jealous because she lives better and my parents treat her better than me.
I've got a long road ahead of me, but I just take each day one at a time and work thru each and every single issue..... I guess that's part of the reason I came back here. I had a place to talk about things and really air out my feelings without any judgement or restraint.



I'll be back soon, gotta get enrolled back in school, that will help me fill some voids while I work on other things and keep me tied up so I won't worry about Selfish and what he's doing. But, most importantly help me get a better life for myself and my little one.

What's Wrong With The Way We Are?

Okay so I've been talking to Selfish for almost 2 years now and we are still in the same spot. Every time I try to talk about our situation he either 1) blows it off. 2) talks about it briefly and then it goes on unresolved until I bring it up again.

I tell him all the time "if you don't see any potential in us or you don't see a future with me, let's cut this shit off now!". I also told him that if he doesn't have any real feelings for me then say so,, we are both grown so there is no need to sugar coat anything. But as men go he would never really open up. All he could say is "What's wrong with the way we are?". My response was "WE AREN'T ANYTHING,, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!!!". I mean in retrospect we are still single because there is no real definition to us and our interaction unless you call us "friends with relationship-like benefits" and I ain't really trying to hear that shit.

He said he loves me,, but he doesn't show it..... that's another thing that pisses me off when it comes to him. he doesn't show me anything,, except his dick when he wants sex,, but other than that I get nothing. If I say something about his lack of expression he still won't say anything. The only time he does is during sex and I definitely don't believe him then.

I really don't know what to do when it comes to him. I get so stressed out sometimes dealing with him and his shit. He wants me to listen when he talks about the things going on with his baby-mommas ( he has 2) but when I offer advice he's ready to go off..... Now when he tries to talk about either one and I change the subject he gets mad! I'm like dude you must really not care about how this stuff affects me.... especially when it comes to his youngest son,, that was the one you waited till he was about to be born before you even said anything about him! Ugh!!!!! That whole situation can still bring tears out of me. I thought by now I would've toughened up to the whole situation, but it still hurts. I'll admit I did find her on social media... ya know just to see what I was up against and in my honest opinion I think she's prettier than me. But that's neither here nor there cause I really had to sit myself down and say "This IS NOT a competition! Even if it was.... is HE what you honestly would consider a PRIZE???????". After that come to Jesus with myself I chilled out and now I just exist. I love him but this is really not what I want for another 2years.

He'll be close by in a week or so for the baby's birthday. I haven't really made mention of us seeing each other while he's close.  I think it may be best if we don't see each other. but at the same time I do want to see him. He's brought up coming to my city but I don't entertain it. I guess I'll just wait and see if he puts forth the effort and maybe then I'll attempt to resolve this "what are we?" situation. I dunno....... we shall see.

Drunken Rapist

The above is basically what I turned into with one of my co-workers. We went to a social event and then decided to go out to a bar afterwards.
By the time we had got to the bar I was already drunk (I had had about 8-10) glasses of wine, then turned around and started drinking at the bar.

Well apparently after the group we originally came with left; it was just me and him. The drinks were still flowing so by this time it was all alcohol present while the REAL me was in a corner sleep somewhere. As we talked the only thing that was on my mind was oral sex......and he be the receiver of it!

I propositioned and molested him several times before he gave in.
We leave the bar and then it begins...... I'm going at it. Hearing his heavy breathing and moans of pleasure really did something to me. I wasn't attracted to him in any way but for some reason I just wanted to be FUCKED!!! (sorry about the language,, but it's the truth).
The more I pleased him,, the more I wanted it..... Next thing you know we're kissing and in between feeling him up and trying to slow things down I keep whispering "fuck me,, please fuck me". *****I honestly don't know what had gotten into me (well.....yes I do.) But I've never been like that.... I kept kissing,, rubbing, licking ...... I just couldn't stay off of him!!!!

I give him mad props though,, because even though my advances were strong,, his willpower was stronger. He kept telling me " we can't cross that line"  and I would just suck him faster. He would say "you wanna do this for the wrong reasons,, you're just mad at Selfish" and I would kiss him harder. Then he said "I don't have any condoms" and my response was " don't worry,, I'll swallow it". !!!!!!!

******Hangs head in shame*********

Like,, I don't know what this means...... Am I desperate???? Was I really THAT mad at Selfish???? ( I gotta fill you in on him some more) Have I lost my luster when it comes to seduction???????? What is wrong with me????

That's not even the worst part..... he finally gets me off of him  long enough to get out and try to get me out of the passenger side of his car..... in protest I take off my panties and assume the position for him give it up. But,, he keeps saying " we can't cross that line" . So what do I do?????? I TAKE IT!!!!!! He Let's me get some then he pulls away and says "this is wrong B!". He gets me out of his car and into mine,, but before he could get his car in gear I was back!!! I threw my panties onto the passenger seat,, jumped back in my car and proceeded to follow him back to his place.
However in  the midst of  my drunken stupor I got his car confused with another and ended up at a gas station on the other side of town. Thankfully I was familiar with that side of town (I lived there with Decent for a few months) I went inside got some chicken wings and sobered myself up enough to get home in one piece.


I'm so ashamed!!!!!

 I played it off cool at work. We talked about it for a hot second and then we carried on like we usually do. But I did tell him I wouldn't drink around him anymore...... can't let the drunken rapist resurface again.

Emotional Wreck!

Where do I start????? Where do I begin?????? I'm just so freaking hurt and confused I don't know what to do. How is it that I love and care about someone so much and they hurt me so bad and yet we keep coming back for more?????

Then on the other hand there's another guy who is very sweet and IN LOVE with me,, but there is nothing there when it comes to him. I mean I like him and I enjoy our conversation and not too mention he feeds me (I know.....shallow,, right?!?!?) but other than that there's nothing........ NOTHING!!!!!!

I try my best to open my mind and find some type of attraction but I just can't. Physically there is none and as far surpassing the friend zone there is no attraction there either. The only good thing about it is he knows that I only want friendship,, but yet he pushes for something more. He even told his mother he was going to marry me!!!!!! That's laying it on waaaaay too thick being that the most he's ever got from me is a hug,, I mean I don't even let him in the house when he comes by to see me.....he gets straight porch action!!!!! Ugh!!!!

I think my frustration runs so deep because I want to take his sweetness and kindness and put it all into the selfish asshole that I love. (hmmmmm "Selfish" is a good name for him too,, and I think I'll call the other guy ,,, ummmm "Nice"). If I could just get Selfish to be somewhat close to Nice is I wouldn't cry so much!!!!

I'm happy but yet unhappy its ridiculous!!!! Thinking back to when Decent was alive I had my downward moments,, you know the times when he took me for granted. But at some point he always had a moment of clarity and made things right and really put forth the effort to make changes for the better. My God! I miss decent so much! I think that's one of the reasons I cry too; if Decent never got killed then I probably would have never crossed paths with Selfish and Nice would have stayed on the side line. I just miss him so much and I think of him all the time. I just want him here with me and our daughter..... I just want my life to make sense again.... I want my heart to stop hurting.... I want the hurt from selfish to stop and just go away. I want the love that I had!!!!

I'm so broken!!!! I honestly don't think I can be put back together. I just want to just disappear and be okay.

Let's Have a Threesome!

OK so... the guy I've been talking to asked me about a threesome. Well he told me he wanted to have one. Initially I was like "No". Simply because I'm trying to pursue a relationship with you and I feel like if I allow something like that to happen then he'll think it's okay to solicit other girls whether he's in the mood for some three-way action or he just may want a one-on-one session with the chick we had the three way with thinking it would be okay since I had sex with her too.

But then again I thought about it. Maybe a threesome is what I needed to start distancing myself from him. I know for a fact that if we did have one I would totally look at him in a different light and fall back super hard on him. So I told him I changed my mind.... if that's what he wanted then let's do it. He asked had I ever had one before and I told him "yes; As a matter of fact the couple that I had one with wants to have another when they come back to this side of town for a visit". He didn't like the sound of that he quickly said that the only three way that went down is the one that included him and that the only way I could get with the couple is if the 3-way changed to a 4-way. He then asks if we did have a threesome how it would affect me and him. I was honest and told him there would be no "us",, I would fall back and just let this distance grow until we eventually stopped talking.

I just feel like any guy that has a threesome is not into either girl. They are just getting their rocks off until the right one comes along and personally I don't want to be romantically involved with someone I had a three-some with. If I have one with you ,, we don't have anything else in common,, we won't go out for drinks,, we will barely talk. That's just where I stand on that and I told him. I told him that my feelings toward him would end that day and he wouldn't have to worry with dealing with me on a romantic level. He then says that he doesn't want a threesome anymore because in his exact words.... "I don't mess up what I have going with you,, I don't wanna lose you over something like that". Ugh what do I do?!?!?!?!? Do I keep things going with him or do I cut them off. I have feelings for him and I do love him,, but his indecisiveness is just taking it's toll.

I really don't know what I wanna do. I don't wanna lose him but I don't want to keep up with this back and forth that we have going. It's like do I hold on and see where things go or do I have this threesome which would be the chainsaw that cuts our ties for good???????? His Ideology about threesomes is the total opposite though. He doesn't think the "main chick" is someone he can't or doesn't want to be with ....that position is for the extra chick. He feels like that's something that can be done once every blue moon with the girl he's dating just add some excitement here and there. I just don't agree with that.

I will admit a part of me does want to do it. Then the other part of me doesn't because I honestly don't want to see him having sex with another chick and he still expect us to be building a relationship together.

 Ugh!!! I know it sounds really stupid,, but this is my reality...... This is the type of shit that I deal with....

I Had a Baby,, But He Never Knew.....

Shortly after I found out about the baby (see previous post) I found out that I would be having one of my own.....  In the normal fashion most women would call the "father -to -be" and let him know what the deal was. In my case,, I didn't.

I sat there looking at the test thinking "what am I gonna do? How am I gonna tell him I'M pregnant and he's already freaking out about this kid he just told me about?" "Will he disown me and the baby? " "Will he embrace us?". There were so many questions and fears running thru my head I didn't know where to start or what to do,, so I just kept it to myself.

It was so hard playing it off like nothing was going on. So many conversations went by without me uttering a word. I knew I needed to say something though because the time slot for selfishness aka the window of time to get an abortion, was quickly coming to an end. I'll admit I thought about just going to secretly have the abortion and just take that to the grave with me. I would drive out to the clinic and ask myself "are you really gonna do this?".... but I could never bring myself to actually go inside. Instead I called my doctor,, told her what was going on and she told me to come in the next day.

At the doctors office,, even though it was very pre-mature,, I got an ultrasound. I heard the baby's little heartbeat and just cried and cried and cried....... How could I be that selfish that I was going to take away from something so innocent and so precious??? How could I punish someone who didn't even ask to be here???????

How could I?????

My doctor,, knowing that I was a depressed emotional wreck told me to come in the next week to check on baby,, but little did we both know that by my next appointment there would be no heartbeat to hear.....

On the day of my appointment I woke up feeling alittle off, but really didn't pay it any attention. I get to my OB's office and my stomach starts to hurt,, you know the kinda stomach ache you get when you feel like you have to get to a bathroom ASAP?!?!? That's how I felt. I felt something running down my leg so I ask the receptionist if I could go on back so that I could use the restroom. She lets me thru and as soon as I get in the bathroom I lift up my dress only to see blood running down my leg. I press the help button and my nurse came immediately.

One look at me and she calls for my doctor. At this point people are starting to get nosey and start trying to walk past and see what was going on,, all I remember thinking is "don't cry". I guess I didn't want to scare the newly pregnant ladies or the ones who were about to pop. The last thing I remember was hearing my doctor say "It's gonna be okay....",, then everything went black.

I passed out right there in the bathroom. I don't know if it was from shock,, blood loss,, the heat from all those people in that tiny bathroom,, or all the above....I don't know. I do know that when I woke up my doctor was right there. She sat me up and told me that the baby was gone....that I had miscarried. I cried.

I think my tears were a mixture though. I cried tears of sadness that I had just lost a life I was carrying ,, but they were also tears of relief... I was relieved I didn't have to stress or worry about whether or not I would be a single parent a second time around. I didn't have to tell him anything now... it would be a no harm,, no foul type of situation.

I carried on for months like nothing had ever happened. He knew something was wrong though because I wasn't really myself. My hormones were still off balance,, I guess it was from the stress of pretending like nothing happened. But I knew at some point I was gonna have to tell him........and honestly I wasn't ready.

Confessions of a SIde Chick (continued)

Time passes and we have a bond closer than ever,, we've even taken some trips out to see each other,, but like always when I think things are good between us,, something goes wrong. This go around....it was something I just wasn't expecting. I'll admit this particular incident still bothers me and it really makes me feel like I should've left a long time ago,, but yet I'm still here.....


So that is where I left off in my last post. I must say since then nothing much has changed,, but I'll fill you in anyway....

I get a call one day. Just laying in bed watching a Snapped marathon and he calls. I notice he has a nervous tone in his voice,, but I shake it off thinking it may be something going on at work. We talk about a few things and then he starts to get to the point of his call....

Him: do you really have feelings for me?
Me: yes
Him: Hypothetically speaking what if I told you I had another child?
Me: That would depend on if it was before me or after me,, but it sounds like you're trying to tell me something.
Him: (silence......)
Me: Are you saying you have another kid??? Don't lie to me!!!!
Him: .........yeah,, but it was before I met you. I just been trying to figure out how to tell you....

I haven't really gotten over the whole baby thing,, However I did meet the baby. I was apprehensive , but the way he looked at me with those big brown eyes I felt so bad for....dare I say it...."hating" him. The mom hates me tho. She's one of those "if we cant be in a relationship,, you can't see your child" type of bitch,, just plain ole petty and ignorant. The sad part is her family is just as bad.

 I try to walk away but he keeps acting like he's gonna fight for this to work out. I say I'm done and I don't want to do this anymore and he reassures me he's gonna do better by me and he's gonna change and he's ready for a real relationship with me. Buthten nothing happens after that. I don't get it why keep me hanging on????? I mean do you really want me or are you just hanging on to me until "the one" comes along?????

I'll admit at first it was about having a title,, you know being called his "girlfriend",, but now it waaaaay past that. I'm at the point of "why are we doing this????" we have NO  boundaries,, well let me rephrase that....HE has no boundaries,, I do. Then this whole baby situation makes it worse!!!! Like,, why are you keeping me around?????

Ugh!!!! I'm so confused..... Am I a SIDECHICK???? Am I the one he wants????  Am I what he needs??????

Confessions of a Side Chick,, at least that's what it feels like.....

Now,, before you judge me I don't mean the kind of side chick like I was with Basketball and Old Man. I guess you can say there's this new age version of side chick that's totally different from "dating" a married man.

This new kind of side chick is still the chick that is temporary,, but she plays temp to a single man that keeps her around until he finds the one HE wants to give his heart,, time,, and loyalty to. I must admit I'm not sure if this particular version of "side chick" is me,, but there are many times I feel like SHE is ME.

I met this cutie a little over a year ago on a social networking site. We completely hit it off. He was so sweet and I just LOVED his accent. Our conversation was nonstop and he made me feel like he actually cared about my day When he asked " how was your day?" or "How's work going?". I had never had anyone ask me something so simple,, and because I had never had that happen I was feeling him more and more.
We'd been talking a couple of months and the question of us finally meeting came up. Of course I was excited, I had actually been ready to meet him face to face after the first couple of weeks of talking.

We make plans for me to come to him (he lives about 500 miles away) it was cool with me cause I actually preferred coming to him. I drive 7hrs and finally the day and time have come for us to see each other. I'm nervous as hell ,, cause honestly I don't even think I'm pretty enough for a guy as cute and just all around attractive as he is. But he takes one look at me smiles and gives me one of the best hugs I had ever had! His strong arms wrapped around me,, slightly lifting my heavy ass off the ground. He just holds me for a few minutes.

I'm just taking it all in: his hair color,, his eyes,, the way he feels,, his scent.........everything little thing about him. I couldn't help but smile to myself. I couldn't help but think that I was actually pretty enough and good enough for him. He finally releases me,, grabs my bags and leads me into his house.

That first visit didn't go too well after one night together and a disagreement I ended up packing my bags and going back home. We didn't talk for a few days after that,, maybe a text here or there but nothing like it was before. Honestly I didn't think things would go back to how they were,, but to my surprise they did.

Time passes and we have a bond closer than ever,, we've even taken some trips out to see each other,, but like always when I think things are good between us,, something goes wrong. This go around....it was something I just wasn't expecting. I'll admit this particular incident still bothers me and it really makes me feel like I should've left a long time ago,, but yet I'm still here.....

New Year ,, New Me???? Nah ..... just New Year

Happy New Year!!!!!!


2014 has come and gone and I can't say that too much has changed. I mean not too much has changed in a positive way. I'm still the black sheep,, but it doesn't really bother me. I just play my role when necessary so my "family" can save face for those they actually think care about our functionality. Financially,, things are better and worse at the same time. Worse because I've made some extremely stupid and terrible mistakes,, but better cause I know not to even THINK to do that shit again.

Me and my new friend have made it past the one year mark (come to think of it I don't think I told y'all about him,, let alone named him.....) I'll have to back track and tell you about the shit he and I have gone thru in another post. Just thinking about it makes me hang my head a little cause some of the stuff is just plain ole ridiculous.

Hmmmmm,, what else?????? I'm happier now that my sister has moved out of state. I don't feel so "judged" by my family now that she has moved away. We were never really close so I wasn't all that broke up about it when her final box made it's way to the trunk of her car. Sounds bad,, I know. But, I would rather be honest about it than to pretend like everything is all hunky doory. I mean let's face the facts we've never been close and New Years doesn't exactly erase any problems or conflicts you have. If anything New Year's makes you more aware of your problems and conflicts. Think about it..... another fucking year has come and gone and shit is still fucked up.......

Still clocking in at a job that I hate,, but thankful I have one at the same time. Well I take that back. I don't really hate the job so much ,, just the people. One person in particular..... Debbie Downer aka Nancy Negative aka Connie the Complainer. I think you get the gist. This bitch is never HAPPY! I've never met someone who turn almost everything into a negative. You could come in and say "hey guys I gotta a new car!" her retort would be something like "now you have to spend more money on gas and then you won't be able to pay your bills .... then you'll lose your house and be homeless,, then die." Seriously she's really like that and I hate to even see her shit in the work place because it makes me more aware that she's there.... Ugh come to think of it I gotta see this bitch tomorrow....... SHIT!!!!!!!!

well I gotta cut this one of cause my sweet little crumb snatcher wants to play Disney Jr.

I be back soon!!!! Promise!!!!!!

Sex, Lies, and STD's

Bare with me cause I'm doing this from my phone .....

Things got really interesting when I honestly made the decision to leave basketball alone..... I'm on a road trip headed out to see my new boo and I get a phone call; it's none other than basketball asking me where I was cause he really wanted to see me and to talk. I told him I was out of town and he proceeded to pry for information.

Him: oh you with your family?
Me: no
Him: you going to visit family?
Me: NO
Him: Oh. You must be going to see a nigga then....
Me: Why does who I'm going to matter? That should be the least of your worries...
Him: Shiiiiitttt why you gotta attitude. I was trying to tell you some good news
Me: What's the "good" news?
Him: We can be together for real now.......I got a divorce!


Now Basketball and I hadn't talked in over 6months,, so did he really think I was sitting around waiting on him to call and tell me that and I was going to jump for joy and run straight into his arms??????? Sadly,, I think he did.

Of course I asked "what happened" and here's what he said: "maaan I caught her cheating on me!" **of course my face was like o_O** "she caught something and tried to put it off on me,, but when I went to get tested I came out clean,, not too mention we hadn't had sex in over 3months. So I just flat out asked her  what she had been doing and she broke down and told me that she had been sleeping with some dude...." I was in total shock and I was thanking the Lord above that I had stopped fooling with him when I did.... I mean think about it....If his wife was screwing this random nigga,, who was sleeping with whoever he wanted and not using anything with them or her,, she go home and screw Basketball and then he gets the green light to come screw me... we ALL would've been fucked up!!!!!!!!! 

But I did have to tell him he couldn't be too mad because he was soing the same thing to her before he met me and when he met me,, he just didn't get caught. He then went on this big spill about how he didn't have any respect for her because she a hoe now and all this other bull.....his ego was just severely bruised. After getting that story I just told him that I had moved on and I wasn't trying to go back down that route with him. Plus,, Basketball ain't got shit going for himself......just got a cell phone,, no car,, no place to stay for real. He just wasn't trying to move ahead in life. It's like he's perfectly content with being a bum and i just don't have time for that. 

He did seem a bit salty when I told I had moved on and I really was feeling this new guy. He just kept pushing "when you get back in town come see me,, I really just want to be with you." I just said okay and proceeded to see my new boo ( I gotta tell yall about that!!!!!! ooooh weeee!!!!) 

Needless to say He didn't even give me a chance to call when I got home,, he was blowing up my phone pretty much the whole day. I never went to see him tho. I think by now he's gotten the picture because I haven't heard from him. But, that doesn't mean he won't pop up out the blue again and try to "seduce me again....Ha!! Seduce me.....that's funny.

Well, well, well....looky looky!

Man oh man I have been gone a minute huh? So much has happened to me I don't even know where to begin.....

 In a nutshell,, I met someone,, I'm finally over Basketball,, Trouble and I still kinda hang out......well I wouldn't say "hang out" we still bang from time to time. But, not as much as before. Basketball got a divorce. My sister is getting married! I think I kinda want to have sex with one of my co-workers. I had a threesome......Ummmmmm wow there are so many things I need to get out !!!!! Ugh!!!! why have i stayed away so long??????

Anyway, I had to go back thru my posts just to see where I left off at.... and let me just say shit got real REAL fast. So the last thing I talked about was almost getting Pregnant by Basketball. Well after that I just slowly started distancing myself from him. To filter out my time I started to get close with a friend of my cousin,, but in the end he rebuffed my affection so I was back to square one.....alone with literally no one to talk to. My best friend was all boo'd up so she was M.I.A. for sure and I was just......niggaless. 

I met a few "2 pump Johnny's" but no one really had any substance so conversation didn't last long. After being fired **yeah I got fired from my last job,, not sure if I told ya'll or not** I found another job; so I got a clean slate as far sleeping with my co-workers. But that slate didn't stay clean for long. I met a construction worker and he and I got a little too flirty.....let's just say we got caught making out in the bathroom **shrugs** I talked to him for a little while after that incident but all he wanted was sex and I just wasn't down for that,, plus he was living with his baby momma.

Over time at my job me and one co-worker in particular have gotten extremely close... we can talk to each other about anything... we text every single day. I'm not attracted to him in any way but I am curious about "what that mouth do".

Moving along,, after my fling with the construction dude I was back niggaless,, so reluctantly I went back to online dating.....that's where I met the couple I ended up having threesome with. I'll say it was ok,, I don't get what the hype is about it. Nevertheless it was something to do. fortunately it didn't last long.... the guy really started to bug the hell out of me and wanted me to come over when his girl wasn't there. I wasn't falling for that trap tho. I quickly shut that down but I got even luckier with that whole situation... they ended up moving out of state. I still here from the dude every now then asking me to come visit. 

So now I'm back to square one again and I'm lonely as hell!!!!! What happens to  make me even more lonely??????????? My freaking sister gets engaged!!!!!!! SO NOW I'm the single sister,, not just "the one that has the baby". Don't get me wrong...... I'm happy for her and all but now I just feel even more pathetic. I was the one between the two of us that always had a man or was always talking to somebody and she was the single one,, now the roles have been reversed and quite frankly I don't like it... 

Nigga, you owe me $43.56!!!

The "morning after pill" is my first and last purchase when it comes to that caught up in the moment talk during sex.

 I am serious when I say I am done fooling around with Basketball (even though he gives good head).......




The above is the last thing I wrote about 6-7months ago, and folks I can honestly say I left Basketball after that. The night We had that "baby scare" was the last time I allowed myself to be in contact with him.
The last time I heard anything about him I heard him and his wife got a divorce,  he has no car, and no cell phone..... so in a nutshell this nigga is doing bad.

I won't say my life has been on the up and up since our last encounter, but there have been a series of events. Both fortunate and unfortunate..... I will return more often to catch you guys back up.

Snapped!

I know I have been gone for a minute and so much has happened to me and my unfortunate pathetic little life.  I will say this though I've had alot (good and bad) going on... But any way let's get you guys caught up...........



SOOOOOOOOO the tension between me and my sister has finally boiled over,, and it resulted in not just a very heated argument, but an actual ghetto rachet fist fight........ and it all went down in front of my 2yr old!( well now she's 3, damn I let too much time pass, sorry y'all)
 The day started off regular, even good (dare I say) but as the day progressed and my sister and I grew tired of each others presence the attitudes began to wake from their slumber and slowly but surely make their way to the surface.  She came to the house with her little boyfriend which I will call Slave (cause that's how she treats him,, like a fuckin slave. But anyway....) We are all just chumming it up and talking my daughter is having the time of her little life cause all is hunky doory in the land of Oz. But then my sister began to make little snide comments on the sly about me and my short-comings.

*let me give you alittle background on me.. you see, I do not possess a good cleaning gene. Don't get me wrong I can clean up and keep things clean, but I don't have a little maid in me that has to clean ALL the time. Now my sister on the other hand she is a Molly Maid to the core, she will clean all day long and not see any problem with it.*

So she starts talking about how I don't clean like she does and that's the reason why I'm single and can't go out like I want to; and all this other bullshit. Now me being the person that I am, I'm really not giving her the reaction that she wants so she decides to just flat out dog me out.

My "sister" proceeds to basically call me a bad mother and says shit like "you don't have anybody" "you need me...I don't need you"....  Now deep down she's really hurting my feelings but I still don't say anything, which is bothering her even more. As I continue to just look at her as she dogs me out.... she jumps at me like she's gonna slap me or some shit. So I say "Oh! Since you're not getting to me, you gonna hit me?" That sends her off the edge and she reaches in and slaps me!!!!!!! I instantly BLACK OUT and just start throwing punches. I say we fought for a good 5 mins before my mom and Slave were able to pull us apart. But once I snap back into reality I hear my baby calling me.

I was so ashamed of myself and even more pissed at my sister because this all went down in front of my sweet baby girl. Once I calm myself down and try to get to my daughter I hear my sister say something along the lines of "I heard my knee cap crunch." Long story short with that she fractured her knee and ended up requiring surgery and getting 6 screws in her knee.

Now do I regret fighting like that with my sister???.......... Sorta. That fight between us was years of pent up tension that finally got released. I regret things happening in front of my baby though. I wish I could've shown more restraint for her sake.....

It happened....

It finally happened... Basketball and I finally did "it" and by "it" I mean we had sex....


For the most part it was ok, we couldn't really get down like we wanted to, but overall it was pretty good. Now was it worth the wait and all that flirting and sexual tension????? The jury is still out on that one. But I will give him credit.....he does give really good head.

To be honest I don't know what else o say about our encounter,, I mean I still love him and a part of me still wonders about what life would be like if we could actually be together, but now just add the fact that we had sex to the equation. I do think on his part he wants to have sex more often because he did say he wanted more, but I don't think I want to.....

I don't know what's gonna happen but we'll see....

Don't bring trouble to my door

I know I told you guys about the cutie I met at the bar the other night. Well that night I did unfortunately hook up with my neighbor (who's been lusting after me for years).... Anyway, let me just say that was truly a BAD idea!!!

So as I'm leaving the bar my phone goes off and it's..........Lame (cause he is rather lame). But anyway, he messages me thru facebook talking about how good I look and how he wants to sex it up,, well I had been drinking.....A LOT.....so I told him I was on my way home. When I pull up he's waiting for me, but before it could go down I had to piss like a race horse! But anyway, as I sat on the toilet and peed for what seemed like an eternity, I started to sober up or as my friends would say my conscience started to kick-in....

**side note** I can drink a lot but It doesn't matter how much I drink, when my conscience kicks in I automatically sober up. There have been times when I've had 20+ drinks and I walk out the club like all I had was water, because at some point my conscience is like "Aye bitch, you startin to get too loose...tighten that shit up" and I just snap out of it, I dunno what it is.... maybe I just have a moment of clarity BEFORE I do something regret??????? anywho, that's another post for another day......

But anyway, The flood gates are open and I'm thinking "why in THE HELL did I answer his message???? To be honest I really didn't even want to have sex,, let alone with him. But bless his heart, he was trying to be all sexy and seductive and it was just NOT working for him. Long story short he ended up just giving me head, cause I was half-way honest and told him that I really didn't want to have sex. I will give Lame some credit,, he does have major skills but not enough for me to want seconds that was a one night thing... So after he finishes his late night snack and we part ways he goes back to facebook trying to discuss it.... I brush it off and take my ass to bed.

The next morning,, AT THE CRACK!!!! *even before my daughter woke up* my phones text alert goes off! It's Lame talking about don't answer any messages from him on facebook because his account got hacked...... Awww shit!!! Now I have been living drama free for a while,, the hoopla had finally ceased after decent died <- That's another post in itself,, all the drama  I went thru about my baby after Decent died....But anyway, I get Facebook AND text messages from some busted ass chick talking about Lame is her man and I better leave him alone and I was just a one night stand. I wanted so badly to tell her "Bitch I don't want yo lame ass nigga, you can have him! Hell he was my one night stand and all he did was give me head!!!!!" But I didn't I just brushed it all off and simply replied with "ok". I guess that wasn't good enough cause the bitch came back in my inbox and my text messages saying she was gonna block me from his page and delete my number out his phone because we didn't need to have any type of contact.....In my head I'm like you stupid hoe!!!!! Your LAME ASS NIGGA lives across the street from me!!!!! Unless you move the great wall of China into my neighborhood and put it in between our houses the nigga is still gonna see me!!!!

Once again I brushed off her ignorance and simply said "ok", then another text came thru basically saying the same shit.. At what point in life do females stop the whole "check this bitch" mentality and start checkin these dudes and since when did female feel they have to check bitches over a lame ass dude????? I just don't get it....


**UPDATE**
I just recently just found out Lame is trying to be a pastor!!!! A fluckin PASTOR!!!!!! He's been preaching at his Daddy's church these past few months and is now trying to get ordained,, but just the other day I got a text from him saying he wants to.....eat the box again.....Ummmm NO I'll pass on that. If the Lord smites me, I'd rather it be over something else and not along the lines of doing the ungodly with a supposed Godly man. So I've really been ignoring him.

My daughter and I were invited to his nieces birthday party this weekend, so I wonder how this will go on many different levels.....cross your fingers that things go off without a hitch!

yes.....I'm sill alive

So much has been going on I've barely had time to breathe. I need some ventilation but while my fingers are typing one thing my brain has moved onto the next thing. It feels like if I don't take out some "me" time I am TOTALLY gonna have a mental breakdown. I just want something to go right for me just once. You know? I mean I know that I'm no saint but can I get some type of positive action my way? it seems like my life just sucks more and more. But any way, just letting those who care that I'm still alive and I haven't forgotten about blogging.

I have so many things I want to tell you in my drafts I don't even know where to start,, every time I start writing out one thing more shit happens. There's been shit going down with my sister, my parents, Basketball (yeah he's still around), my job, school, this creep that lives across the street from me, and the list goes on and on. I'm gonna get back on my game though because I really do need to vent.

Well I need to put this computer down and either study or take my ass to bed, more than likely I'm gonna sit up and watch "Zane's Jump Off" , flip thru the channels and then take my ass to bed.

He Loves Me

I know it has been a while since I informed you on my dull little life. work has really been kicking my azz and unfortunately I'm failing this semester in school *damn*. But anyway on to the point of this post....



So it's been about 6months since I got the boot from my old job, but guess who has still managed to stay in the picture??????? Basketball. He makes sure to call and check on me and he's even came to the house to see me a couple of times. Now what I'm about to say next is going to sound bad, but for me and him and our situation...it's good. Now the times that he has come to see me it has been the perfect opportunity for us to go ahead and get rid this sexual tension and just let loose, but we have chosen to keep it fairly innocent and just continue our extreme make out sessions with just a little more touching.

Also in these little meetings we've actually had some time to talk about the "us" that will never be and how we feel about each other. I will admit,, I DO love him, but I'm not IN LOVE with him. I love him because he loves me, he cares about me, and he actually LISTENS to me. He really is a good guy in many ways....just not in the way he should be to his wife.




I find myself wondering if he wasn't married would we ever be.....but that is a question that will never get answered..............

Dildo Shopping, How Hard Can It Be?

I know a while back, I talked about possibly getting me a little "friend" to help me get thru the......"dry spells" but I can't seem to find something that I think will get the job done. I've been looking, but I just don't know.

I don't want to get something cheap and be about as pissed I would be with a dude that can't get it up, and I don't want to spend a lot of money on something that I have to keep a constant stock of batteries because it taps out like an out of shape like a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck. I even thought about writing a few of these companies to see if I could be a product tester,, that way I am getting a thrill here and there,, they are getting reviews,, and last but not least.....I'm getting a thrill here and there.

Who knew THIS type of shopping would be so difficult???? But then again I could just be making this harder than what it is, (when I bought my new phone I spent 3hrs in the cell phone store before I actually made a purchase,, Bestie sat in the shoe store with me for 2hrs while I was trying to decide if I wanted to buy a pair of boots). As you can see it takes me FOREVER to do anything!!!!! You would think I would expedite this process since the dyck express hasn't ran in a while( I've been trying to distance myself from Rush...he's getting attached!), but I'm taking my time and getting more and more bitter by the minute, I'm especially bitter and abnormally pissed when I'm at work. (My new job SUCKS ASS!!!!! <- That right there is a whole other post,, I gotta tell y'all about the 'Ol hatin ass bytches I work with).

But anyway, I'll try my best to decide on something soon......

Love Isn't For Me It Seems....

Every time I meet a guy it just fizzles before it can even begin. It's like a continuous cycle or something. I meet a guy...think I'm going to see or hear from him again....and then **poof** he's gone like he never even existed!!!! The killing part about it all is that the guys approach me!!!!! It's not like I'm chasing them around with pick-up lines in tow to woo them in. I just don't get it?!!?!?!?!  For example,, I met a cutie the other night at a local bar. He approached me gave me his number and took me to my car afterwards,, he texted me to make sure I made it some safe and BOOM-he's gone!!! I haven't heard from him since,, and I know it's not something I said...'cause hell the only thing I did say was: yes I made it home, thanks for checking on me, talk to you later. Did I use too many commas or something????? What did I do to make him approach and then just walk away???? Maybe he has a girl or something.....I don't know, but if that's the case,, why even bother me????

I guess I feel this way because I am sooooo tired of being alone, and I know I know God will send the right one in due time, but can I least get a date Lord???? Dinner, a movie, something???? It seems like any guy that I meet, I feel that I can at least have a decent friendship with them, but they don't ever come back around. Could it be that because I have a child they think I want thim to be a daddy to her?? If that's the case that's totally wrong, but I feel like I shouldn't have to come with a disclaimer on my forehead saying: Even though her father is dead, she still has one..so no need to feel like she's gonna want to call you "daddy" any time soon...

Honestly I really don't like to have to tell guys my situation, I'd rather we leave it at "oh you have a daughter?" instead of "oh you have a daughter,, so is her dad in the picture?" I think that's the problem with a lot of guys these days; they feel like if a girl has a child and she is not with the father, then that girl is going to expect them to take up the slack for what the biological dad isn't doing. Now, I'm not saying there aren't females out there like that...because there are...I'm saying in particular that I'm not like that. The KILLING part about it all is the ones that are looking for a substitute father are the ones getting the dudes!!!! Now along with that statement I do know that some of these dudes are worse than the dad themselves, but still these bitches STILL pulling dudes.

I was told by Rush that maybe it's my demeanor, he says I tend to have a "what this nigga want? " look on my face when dudes talk to me. He says I look intimidating. I will tell ya'll just like I told him, "that's just how I look, I don't do it intetionally, that's just my normal facial expression, you know when I'm off to myself...they would think I was crazy if I walked around smiling for no reason!" I did take heed to what Rush was saying and made a conscious effort to try to "soften"  my look but then I felt like I was trying to hard to BE approachable.

I tell you what the way that things have been going for the past 2 going on 3yrs I am really starting to think that love and relationships aren't for me any more...it seems as if all of that died along with Decent.......
/
Anyway let me stop writing about this cause I'm about to get irritated and when I get irritated my head itches and that 's bad business when you have a 3month old sew-in.........

eh!

-my computer died, but my new one came last week,, still trying to get used to it....it's got that Windows 8 shit on it....

-I got to take a little weekend getaway and see New Guy I was surprised my folks kept my daughter, but I didn't hang around trying to find out why they had a change of heart; I got the hell on out while I could.

-Online Success dude is trying to come back, but I think it's because he wants sex and I just don't want to deal with him on that level anymore...

-Still sexing it up with Rush

-I got a job offer but the pay is shit... I had another interview with a different place,, I'm hoping they call me back with some good news,, if not I'll formally accept the other one. I just hate I will still be in a financial hole. But I do realize that LOW pay is better than NO pay.

-I met another guy at a local spot he seems pretty cool,, but I don't know....we'll see

- School is kicking my ass!!!!! Ugh!!!! :o(




******A real more in depth post is coming soon,, I just gotta get caught up on this school shit first....I won't be gone long.......I promise!!!!