Trust Me, I'm A Doctor.....

Are women still ashamed to talk about or admit they give head????





Honestly, I do talk about it, more so with Bestie, but I really don't talk about it a whole lot. The only reason I'm bringing it up now is because it seems as if that's my sexual specialty. I won't say I DON'T like giving head, because I really don't mind.....unless the dick looks a little disturbing....(you know, not every dude has a "lights on" piece,, some of them when you see it, you change your mind about everything. You lose all interest in sex and in that person. Either that, or you really only wanted that person just for plain ol' sex with no oral or maybe one-sided oral...you know when you're the only person getting something out of it...) But anyway, that's another post for another day....


Now, back to what I was saying, giving head seems to be my sexual specialty. Now let me state my disclaimer on this. I don't just go aroung sucking every dick in front of me, I'm more of a..... if you give you will receive type of...hmmm ...head doctor, nah that sounds too raunchy......How about Doctor of Headology or expert Headologist. Ooh ooh Dean of Dome! You know what I'm trying to say. For those who have been lucky enough to experience my talents....they have given me rave reviews on my head game. In fact, I think head is one reason why Sexy Mexi is still around, because all conversations with him lead to it Hmmmmmmm *ponders this for a moment* 


I'm not saying that head has been what's been keeping some of the dudes that I talk about around. I'm just saying that it's something that keeps them sexually intrigued. Sometimes I wonder if this is a craft I should perfect, not for random dudes, but for THE dude for me???



I will admit that Decent is the one who taught me how to do it right, in fact he taught me everything about sex, before him I knew absolutely NOTHING! Decent is the one who told all the things to do as far as pleasing such a sensitive area. But anyway, ultimately I'm not sure about how I feel about this revelation.... In some ways I feel good, ya know, like....I could be a porn star with this type of talent. In other ways I feel ashamed, like people including the guys probably think I'm a promiscuous whore.... which is totally not the case. 


But anyway, I guess that's it for now.........

Alone in the World Without a Sweater

As the days creep closer to the anniversary of Decent's death, I feel so alone and sad. I keep having these "if he made it would life be like this?" dreams. Which in turn only place more emphasis on the fact that he's gone and I'm here still somewhat in the same place I was in on the day I lost him.

He wasn't the greatest guy, but he was MY guy. He didn't do right all the time, but I know leading up to his death he was really trying to be better; he was trying to show me and those around us that he did deserve me. But, sadly it was too late. I have so many dreams about him and how I feel like my life would be if he was still around. I can say FOR SURE that there would be no Basketball, Sexy Mexi, Fishy, Old Man (for damn sure), and no Rush crowding the pages of my life.

I think the thing that I hate the most about his passing( besides him actually passing) is the fact that the loose ends as far as the females he talked to (when we were together and separated....I know how that sounds) weren't tied up....
When other females mention him it, to me, seems like they are trying to say he was with them more, he meant more to them....like he cared for and loved them more than me.

When he died at his funeral, I "met" 3 other "girlfriends" and "so in love exes" which made his death all the more painful. To be pregnant and to hear all these claims on him and him not being there to shut them down if they were false or explain if they were true.

All I know is that I miss him so much.... I wish my daughter could know him. I really want to see how they would have interacted together, you know, see her give her little hugs and kisses to him or even just see them have a conversation. I wanted to see him asleep with her laying on his chest or jumping on the bed to wake him up in the morning. I'm not saying I couldn't have this later on down the line when I meet somebody worth actually getting to know. I just wanted all of this with him.

Now I'm by myself trying to find the starting point for starting over. Starting, life love and happiness all over again......

Bullshit in a Bag!

My life has seriously taken a turn for the worst it seems.... I've been called to my bosses office TWICE in the same week over some hear say shit. Everything  starts off the same "we received information that you......." and then they proceed on with the accusations. Now let me just say if these accusations were justified; if I didn't tell anyone I would tell you guys, but the thing is they're not!! Somebody is definitely putting in extra work to make me look bad.

I hate to say the 2nd time I was called into the office I let my anger and emotions get the better of me and I cried. I cried right there in front of my boss and her little rat-faced side kick. I cried. I couldn't help but let some of my emotions pour. Through hot tears streaming down my face I told them that  "....in all the years that I have been working in that department I have NEVER had any problems I have always gone by the book and all of a sudden I'm the problem child?!?!?!?!?!? I really feel like I'm am being picked on!!!!! " 

To some, what I said may have sounded elementary, but honestly that's exactly how I felt. Then the thing that pissed me off the most is the fact that they were just sitting looking like I had just stripped naked and spoke in Japanese! It got to the point we were sitting there so long I just is that it????  Can I go????? Then, I proceeded to run down the hall to nearest bathroom so that I can let the rest of the tears, I fought so hard to keep at bay, flow.  I don't know what is going on, I know who the ones are that's feeding the so-called information to my boss. My only question is.........WHY?

Cold shoulder

Soooooooooo Old Man calls himself mad at me. For what? I'm not quite sure. Do I care? I almost did, then I thought about how much he gets on my nerves when he does talk to me..... and I came to the conclusion that I don't care.

 I worked in his area the other day and he was on mute everytime he saw me, if he did say anything to me it was always mumbled or damn near whispered.

Today he was like "I know you not just gone come thru my area and not open your mouth and speak!" I retorted "I know I am gonna do just that." and proceeded to walk on to my destination. I don't know why he thinks I'm gonna run up behind him. I let that shit go in highschool.....

 Anywho, let me get my shit together......I have class tonight.

You're really sweet...but I'm not attracted to you....

^^^^^ The above is how I feel about this guy that I work on the same floor with. He's really nice and sweet and he's been chasing me for 6 years,, I finally gave in and gave him my number,, but I'm just not  all that attracted to him.... 

One thing I don't like is the fact that as SOON as he got my number,, in his book it was ok for him to start hugging and touching and trying to hold my hand and shit. I don't like that!!!! I also hate the fact that Kinkos is trying to get all up in it. She doesn't hide the fact that she likes him... all she can talk about is how fine he is (to her), how nice his car is, and how big his dick is (she claims he didn't lock the bathroom door one day and she walked in while he was pissing). Hmpf!
*I need to give him a blog birth certificate.....I shall name him.......Rush*
Don't get me wrong he's a good guy and stuff like that. I just don't care for the approach. Then I also don't like how he's not even trying to date me,, it's like he want to try to jump straight into a relationship... I'm trying to step outside my box and not just go for the physically attractive dog that will never do right, and try to get to know Rush inspite of the non-existant physical attraction. I'm hoping that I can begin with eventually becoming attracted to what's on the inside and hopefully the internal attraction will have an affect on my eyes.  I mean I'm flattered that after all this time, even with the changes I went thru physically (getting preggo and all), he still finds me just as attractive as a size 12, ok I'm lying.....size 14, as he did when I was a size 4. He even talks about how he thought I was extremely gorgeous when I was pregnant...

I'm REALLY gonna try to give Rush a chance, because in some ways I think he could be good for me. But I will admit that I am scared because, what if I don't ever become attracted to him and he's damn near in love,, then what????? Do I hurt him??? Do I say " I tried to convince myself to be attracted to you and it didn't work....sorry" is that what you say to someone who would probably lick a car tire if you asked him to??? I don't know...

I think things would also be easier if Rush didn't work in the same building as me, Basketball<- whose wife had her baby a few weeks ago,, luckily I haven'y seen him,, I think he's still out on paternity leave. But anyway, where was I ????? Oh yeah Rush works in the same building as Basketball AND............wait for it...................... OLD MAN!!!!!! Basketball really isn't an issue,, the issue would mostly be Old Man trying to possibly sabotage things or just plain ol' getting in the way with this I love You, or the way he says it "I Luh You", shit. I know he shouldn't be a factor in anything as dar as my life goes, but I like to cover the possiblities when it comes to people. I prefer to not be surprised by the idiocracy that I am surrounded by. Also, I don't want Kinkos hatin' ass in my business too. I think I said this or something along those lines already, but anywho.... I really don't want her two cents on anything, and I know because she knows both of us she will be all up in it trying to shell out advice or hate....

Ugh!!! I don't know what I want to do about this whole situation. I really want to try to get to know Rush and give him a chance, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings because I'm not drawn to him like he is to me and then we have to walk around work with that lingering awkwardness and possible anger.

More Death....

My grandad ( on my mother's side) died today....

I am NOT You!!!!!

I am really starting to HATE my mother!!!! I know hate is a strong word,, but right about now.....that's how I feel. She is constantly telling me how to raise my daughter and how to interact with her by comparing how she raised and interacted with me and my sister. Now let me just say in my opinion,, considering how fucked up me and my sister are, I don't think I want to do the things that she did. Also, she always expects me to do things to HER liking when it comes to my daughter. From the way I style her hair (which is never ghetto i.e. alot of bows and barrettes,, you know shit like that) to the way that I chose to dress her. 

Oh and don't let me be tired,, I always hear the same shit.... "I was tired to with ya'll,, but I still got done what I needed to get done".... Ummm hello!!!!!! I AM NOT YOU!!!!!!!! Our circumstances are totally different!!! When I was little,, my sister was a little more independent (we are 2yrs apart) so you didn't have to do much when it came to her,, not to mention you have a husband, someone who is legally obligated to us,, when you were sick of us you could punt us off to him.....which she did do,, I remember spending waaaaaay more time with my dad than with her.  

I am so at the end of my rope with her and this bullshit!!!! She is gonna have it to where when I get a little more stable financially I won't ever come home,, and when I finish school,, I'm getting the hell away from her!!! She always finds a way to irritate the fuck out of me and I am just plain 'ol sick of it. And when I do move I dare her to try and take my daughter away!!!!!

*let me explain how she has the power to do that:

When I was pregnant with my daughter I realized that once she was born I would hardly bring home any money once I added her to my insurance so my parents suggested that I do temporary legal guardianship so that she could be on my dad's insurance with full coverage. They, my parents, reassured me that they would not take over and that I would still make whatever decisions I needed to make in regards to her health and well-being. Now pre-birth this sounded really good. I honestly believed what they said.... I know,, that was dumb on my part. Now they are using what they claim they were doing to help me,, against me.... Since they are her legal guardians they can call the police on me if I tried to take her anywhere and they said no. I may be her biological mother,, but LEGALLY my mom is..... 

There are parts of me that say just leave and if she says you can't take the baby,, still leave anyway,, then there's the sensible part of me that knows I would never abandon my daughter just to prove a point,,,,or abandon her period.

I want to get away from my mother and live happily.....