Ben Wa Balls and Post Pregnancy Cravings

As of late I have been fascinated with these things called Ben-Wa Balls. The balls work along with your body when you do Kegel exercises. They strengthen the pelvic floor which in turn gives you better bladder control, tightens up the "baby dispenser" aka vagina and when worn while sexing it up, they increasing the POW factor. Not to mention you can ease those babies in before you go to work and feel so good you'll be speaking to people you don't even like (when you wear them while you're out and about, while walking and/or jogging they give you a nice sensual vibrating sensation... ooh la la). I've been thinking about trying these bad boys out, since my sex life is pretty much non-existent and I'm not confident enough yet to walk into the local sex shop and buying a "mr fix it" and I'm sure as hell not about to order something and have my nosey momma open the package and look like a pop-eyed duck when she sees the contents. So for now, Ben Wa Balls are my go to source. (When I get the nerve order or go get them and maybe a little something extra :-) , I'll have to let you guys know how that goes....)


One strange thing about being in sexual starvation mode is that my post-pregnancy cravings have come back, and these cravings are not the food cravings I had. After I had my daughter aside from wanting Pizza Hut every minute of every day; I had cravings for the scent of cleaning products.... strange, I know. Lately I have gotten sheer pleasure from the scent of lemon and orange Ajax dishwashing liquid, Gain washing powder, All washing powder, and last but not least rubbing alcohol.


At first, when these cravings came back I thought I was on "white kid status" and I was resurrecting "huffing". But, after a frantic call to my doctor she said I was perfectly fine and that as long as I am not getting high off of the things I love to smell I'm ok.  I don't know what is up with me lately, could my life really be taking this strange turn because I'm  not getting sexed up on the regular????? I don't know,, all I know is that I need to remedy this little situation.... Before things get even more strange.

Writer's Block

I've got a post pending that I just can't find the words to finish it. My mind is going North South East and West and I don't know why?!?!?!? Maybe it's my chemical imbalance that I have. Bestie and I were talking today about my depression and how things were going medicine free, and let me just say it SUCKS!!!! When we were talking I wondered aloud if I had this chemical imbalance all along and the happiness I experienced with the Decent Boyfriend was just artificial and when he died the imbalance was more pronounced or did all this depression and chemical shit with my brain happen when he died????? Hmmmmmm
*ponders this for a moment*


I don't know, I'm just tired of experiencing all these ups and downs. You know,, just feeling all fucked up on the inside...


Honestly I feel crazy and sane all at the same time. Ugh!!!!! I'm so Frustrated!!!!!!!!!!


~posts sign on computer: Back whenever.... 


*walks away  to get a drink*

Cake Cake Cake Cake!!!!!!

Today My precious baby girl is 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HaPpY BiRtHdAy Princess!!!!

Riding The Magic School Bus

Ok, maybe I'm not actually riding a "magic school bus", but I am going back to school! Woot Woot!!!!! After years of saving I was finally able to pay the remaining tuition I owed to the university I attended....IN CASH!!!!! Now that THAT financial weight has been lifted I finally feel like I'm going somewhere in life. You know, finally moving toward an actual goal.
 For the past 5yrs I wasn't in school because of this burden; I felt like I was at a stand still. Now the wheels on the "Magic School Bus" that will take me to my future career have FINALLY started moving. Yay! I feel so good right now. Too bad not everyone is not happy about my recent actions (paying the tuition) and my plan to return to school. I'll talk about them later Right now I just want to bask in the ambiance of my upcoming success in school and my brighter future!!!!


GO ME, Go Me, go me, go me, go me!!!!! 

Thinking More Clearly...I Think

I know Basketball and I promised that we would not have anymore "sessions".....well we broke our exclusive pinky promise and did it again. I feel like the reason this happened is because he's mad at his wife. He says he's pissed because she's unappreciative and dogs him all the time. He even went as far to say he thinks that they should separate for a while.

Before anyone can pass judgement on me, let me just say that I only listened. I never once voluntarily gave my opinion. I only said something when he asked me and I also told him that with her being pregnant and all, this is the wrong time to use the "we need to separate" card. He listened to me, but he had made up in his mind that he was not gonna go home for the next 3 days; I told him that was wrong too. You can't get mad and then run away...especially when your little girl gets here. You have to stay put even if the wife is on your last nerve.


 I will admit, after this "session" I felt different. I can't quite explain why or what it was; I just didn't feel right. Maybe it was the slight twinge of jealousy, guilt, hurt, sadness, and longing that made me feel different.  All I know is if I keep carrying on like this I will be alone forever and my daughter will follow in my footsteps.
 Also, I began to wonder if me and Basketball could be together would things be all hunky-doory in the land of Oz..... It's one thing to want someone and you can't have them, constantly believing the illusions of grandeur, and to actually be able to be with that person and see that everything that glitters ain't gold. I guess a part of me wants to be with him and another part of me knows, is trying to convince me, that we are better off as friends because we wouldn't do all that great together.


You know, the crazy part about this whole Basketball thing.... the part I think has both of us constantly coming back???? I honestly think that Basketball may love me and I may love him. I'm not sure, but that's what I think. However, I DO know that I could be TOTALLY wrong and that hormones and curiosity may be what has us coming back; OR it could be a mixture of it all! I just know at this point I'm tired of going back and forth and I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt and jeopardizing my permanent happiness for temporary satisfaction. Stealing away for a lust filled moment only to have to walk away with wet panties and no orgasm *Sigh*


We made a promise again to not go back to the stairwell, and after this revelation.....I intend to keep my promise.

Can You Fuck Someone With Feelings and Emotions?

So Old Man wants to start back fooling around,, but here's the catch this go around...even though he's married, if we start back talking I can't get involved with anybody (meaning no Sexy Mexi and no Basketball), and if I happen to meet my potential future husband I have to tell him to kick rocks because Old Man said I can't talk to anyone what kinda shit is that??????. How is this even remotely fair to me???? Yes yes I know it's not fair to his wife, but we aren't talking about her; we're talking about me!!!!!! Also, I don't feel like being bothered with him. I'm slowly but surely getting Basketball out of my system I don't need him coming in trying to be my daddy controlling me and shit. I think he thinks he can make me fall for him the way he fell for me, but that shit ain't gonna happen. 


At one point, Old Man was cool but he fucked everything up when he told me he was in love with me. It totally made me look at him a different light. On top of that when I broke ties with him he was mad because of the reason I told him the shit had to stop....the reason was blatantly obvious.....IT WAS WRONG!!!!!!!! He was severely pissed about it and he still is now. I can't have a general conversation with him without him bringing it up.


The whole set-up with me and him wasn't all that great either. He left too many holes for people to find out about us. For instance, he always wanted me to come see him......in HIS department! What the HELL!!! So you want me to tra-la-la down to your area and people look at me like "Look at that jezebel fooling around that married man! Hmph!". I'm sorry but I don't want people all in my business like that. Not to mention the fact that either way no one is gonna look at him different, whisper when he walks by, call him a whore, or any of that. All of that is going to happen to me. But, him calling me to his department wasn't it. When he wanted to fuck, it wasn't "Let's go get a room" it was "Meet me at my truck" and this nigga wouldn't even have the decency to leave the parking lot where our co-workers parked! He would just wait them out!!!!!


I think back now and I want to kick myself for even getting involved with him. I was just starved for some type of attention from the opposite sex, that I just settled for what was in front of me. I was so starved that I slept with him even though I really didn't want to. I pretended to be into to him just for the attention. Now this negro is in love with me and I have yet to tell him that the feeling is not mutual. He says he fell in love way before we ever even fucked. So, when the time did come for us to sex it up he was already in love, and in his EXACT words he told me, "I wasn't fucking you JUST to be fucking you. I was fucking you with feelings, I fucked you with REAL emotion, Barbie. I love you and while I was fucking you, I fell IN love with you." 


Can you really FUCK with FEELINGS????? I have never heard of fucking with feelings or emotions, have you??? In my book, fucking was me laying there waiting for things to be over so I could go by McDonald's and get a strawberry shake and a medium fry, not genuinely feeling something for him and saying some shit like "OMG I LOVE HIM!!!! And his stroke let's me know that he LOVES me!''. But, apparently things were interpreted a little different with him. I really don't get how that chick pea sized brain in that peanut head of his works. I'm so confused and irritated when it comes to him I could spit! 


How do you get rid of a gnat that won't go and find someone else to buzz around??? I really  try to get rid of him and STAY rid of him but he keeps coming back like a bad rash. Then to make matters worse he claims he's in love. I constantly find myself wondering and questioning  where does his wife sit in his life???? Is she on a pedestal while he tries to hold me in his arms? Is it vice versa? does she even have a place? Has she given up on him and they are just playing the part for their son? Whatever it is when it comes to him and her I want to know. True, it may not be my business but I still want to know. He shuts down when I ask him; he changes the subject or says something like "why does she matter to you?, That's my wife!" Well damn!!!


Honestly though, I think I'm over the whole attention thing. I want him to get the picture, call Two Men And A Truck and move completely out of my life. I want things to be how they were when I told him what we were doing was wrong, he went the fuck off on me and then proceeded to act as if I didn't exist. But because he was 'in love' and he saw me and Basketball getting close he weaseled his way back in. Now he's trying to piss on me like I'm his favorite tree at the park! Really I need to figure out how to shake him because he won't leave . Not too long ago, I was trying to get off the elevator at work and he blocked me in questioning me about why I didn't call him back the other day. Then he proceeded to try to kiss me on the elevator!!! Ummm no sir!!! Back yo ass up!!! It's not even that kinda party....


All I can say is that I have my hands full when it comes to him and his "I fuck you with real feelings" bullshit. I just want to get rid of his ass and continue on with my little pathetic life. *sigh*


If only I knew all of this before, I would've NEVER allowed myself to give in and fall into this endless pit of wrong...