I Need To Choose Better Friends

There is this girl I work with, I'll call her Kinkos.  I chose that name because everything I do she copies it, but fails. For example, at work my make up is always fly and it always matches what I have on. I'm pretty much known for it. But anyway we were cool so she knows a little about me and Basketball not about the "sessions", just the flirting and she knows the Old Man likes me. We work on the same floor, so we got to know each other pretty good, at one point, I could honestly call her a good friend. Whenever she had something to do immediately after work, she would ask for a ride to her car and of course because we're friends, I would take her. In fact, I began to take her to her car more frequently because she parked alittle far and didn't feel like walking (she's a little heavyset ok....she IS heavyset,, not fat just big length and width wise).  Now Kinkos and I got along well , even with the whole "hey, give me a ride to my car?" thing. Truthfully I was getting tired of taking her to her car. It was getting irritating because she would always start off the same...


Her: Hey Barbie (that's my actual nickname at work) what do you have to do when you get off?


Me: Gotta go to Africa, China, and then home, what's up?...(exaggeration)


Her: Take me to my car, It's not far if you driving,, but it's too far to walk...


Me:{in my head~ You walked  this morning, so what's the difference walking back???}Sure


No matter what I had to do, she always asked.


One day I really did park far and it looked like it was about to rain. We see each other in the elevator lobby and she's looks out the window and says "Looks like I picked a good day to get dropped off and picked up.." I said "yeah you did". She then asks me to wait with her till her boyfriend comes to pick her up. Because I'm a nice person....I stay with her. When he comes, I ask her if they could give me a ride to my car, considering the fact it was about to rain and so far. Do you know this heifer that reference to her is too nice BITCH has the nerve to tell me "NO, we are going straight home! Bye girl, see you tomorrow." So you know I'm hella pissed . How come no matter where I'm going after work I still give you a ride, but yo ass just said you're going straight home and I can't get a ride to my car?????? Ugh!!!!! On the way to car I'm calling her everything but a child of God. By the time I get to my car I was so fucking pissed I was seeing spots!!!! Not only did I have to walk damn near 4 blocks to me car (yeah, parking SUCKS big time at my job) but I'm soaking wet too!!!


So the next day, I see her at work and she has the audacity to say "My bad about yesterday. I didn't want my boyfriend to give you a ride because he may have tried to talk to you or you may have tried to talk to him (she kinda sniggles after she says this and then  proceeds to say.....),,but can you take me to my car this evening?" REALLY?!?!?!?!?!? You really think I'm gonna take your big ass to your car after that???? I was dumbstruck, bewildered, flabbergasted, speechless, etc.....
My response was: "1st what kinda friend to do you think I am??? Why would I try to talk to him and you in the car, what FRIEND would do that??? Also, I've seen what he looks like and trust me you can HAVE THAT!! 2nd what kinda man do you have that would disrespect you like that? If you feel that way about him being around another girl then he's obviously talked to another girl in front of you before, and you the fool that's still with him. You LET him disrespect you so he feels like you don't have any respect for yourself....that's why he don't want to wife you!". "Then you stupid too! Who tells the truth about why you wouldn't help someone you consider a friend out, and then turn around and ask for something and think things are ok????? ".


By the time I finished talking to her all I could see was red!!!


Now when I see her at work, she still copying my makeup I see she's gotten a little heavy on the eye shadow. I guess that's that's supposed to make it look better than mine....?.....  and trying to dress more like me. She even tries to fix her mouth to speak. But I just ignore her now. I don't have time for her and her bullshit.

Talkin' Suicide

Now before you get all riled up from the title, let me explain.......


Yesterday, me and the Bestie were talking about my life and the things that have gone on in it. That conversation led into talking about my depression. I told her I think I want to try this new prescription my doctor wrote for me, just to try it out to see if it worked better than the last stuff I got I really want some xanax or something like it. I want that stuff that will have me so happy I'm speaking to people I don't like, but to also try to see if it helps with how I think. I will admit to ya'll just like I admitted to the Bestie, and not to my doctor, that I do have suicidal thoughts. 


I was telling her (The Bestie) my suicidal thoughts aren't like, you know, I'm gonna "run my car off the road", or "I'm gonna shoot myself". When I think about suicide, I'm thinking about...."How can I kill myself without it hurting?" I told her I don't want to shoot myself because that will hurt (and because where I work I see ALOT of people that failed in that category) If I shoot myself I want to be successful. I don't want to be in the hospital and people are looking at me and saying "how do you shoot yourself and MISS?" I don't want to try and hang myself 'cause once whatever I'm standing on is gone; I'm gonna be dangling there thinking "damn, I can't breathe!!!!!" With the "hanging thing I also don't want to feel my life slipping away.


Then next thought was slitting my wrist, but I know that will hurt and I ain't trying to feel any pain. The only thing I could think of was overdosing, but even that's not guaranteed! Eventually, the Bestie was like " I don't think suicide is for you if you have all of the rules to it." She was right too. Once I really sat down and replayed our conversation, I said to myself, "if you were gonna do it, you would do it. It wouldn't matter if it hurt or not. Most people that are serious about it just do whatever they think is gonna work; where it would register on a pain scale is not even a factor!"


Suicidal thoughts still come and go, but my conscience has been alittle more vocal. It's not just saying "GIRL! That's gone HURT!!!!!" It's also saying "Don't be selfish....don't let your daughter lose her mother too!!! She has already lost her Daddy what has she done to make her lose you???"


So no suicide for me...Thanx Conscience and Bestie!!

What Would You Have Done?

I'm coming out of wally-world the other day and I hear a man outside begging for money. I listen closely because:
A.) I want to know why he's begging 


B.) the voice sounds eerily familiar


 I look up only to see a guy I used to date (I dated him when me and "The Decent Boyfriend<R.I.P>" were on hiatus). I was shocked, sad, and alittle pissed. I was was only pissed because he was trying to "reconnect", as he put it, with me a few months ago. 


Sadly once I realized it was him. I high-tailed it to my car. Not because I didn't want him to ask me for some money, ok maybe I didn't want him to ask me for any money, but because I thought it might be awkward. I didn't want him to think I thought he was a charity case....


*UPDATE*
I found out later that he's on cocaine REALLY bad, gave his baby momma herpes eww! and his baby ,who is like 4 or 5mos old, is in the ICU because he fell off a bed.... Whoa! 

I Just Don't Understand....CONTINUED*

As I walk to my car I feel like a complete FOOL/ASSHOLE. I couldn't believe things went down like that. So as you can imagine I drank the rest of night away and slept my day away. By the time Monday rolled around I was feeling the dread of going to work and having to face my humiliation head on.

By the middle of the day I think I'm in the clear because I haven't seen him. Right when the feelings shame and dread decide to get off my back guess who I run into in the hallway?????? We just stand there looking at each other, for at least 2-3minutes, before he apologizes to me. He says he did acknowledge shortly after I started on my walk of shame, that what transpired wasn't fair to me either. He told me he hopes that he didn't hurt me and that he hopes that our relationship could withstand that setback. 

I accepted his apology....... Now let's move on to the present.

Basketball and I didn't maintain our friendship/courtship. Even though I couldn't have him, I still wanted him and he still wanted me. Because we wanted each other so much we would meet up in secluded areas (without cameras) at our job and have EXTREME make-out sessions. It was like we were rabbits that couldn't fuck.....(well in retrospect we WERE rabbits that couldn't fuck) Anyway, we were making out any place we could, even the elevator...until we got caught! You'd think we would've stopped there!!! But we didn't ; instead we found a new spot.....the stairwell. Man-O-Man!! The stairwell was where we needed to be all along. We would be steaming those stairs up. If the walls could talk, they would tell you they witnessed some extreme passion.
Basketball and I met up regularly in our new spot, but before you say all we did was get it on at work, that's not all that would happen. We would talk, vent, and just be there for each other. It sucks so bad because of course he would talk to me about his wife and their relationship. The ups and the downs, everything. I would just listen; I didn't do the whole "do the things she won't do, so you'll want to be with me more" thing. I just gave the best advice I could. I seriously would try to keep my distance from him emotionally and sexually but when I looked at him all I could do was think about what I would do to him once I got him alone.


One day we are sitting down just looking out the window, not really saying much, just enjoying each others company when he just up and says "my wife is pregnant". I feel like I've been kicked in the face with a steel toe boot! I just say okay and we sit in silence until we have to get back to work. The stairwell sessions were still going on up until last week, he told me that, that time would be the last......


We did our thing and went our separate ways.......
The End






NOT!!!!! Just yesterday he asked me was I sure I wanted to be done with the sessions and I am am shamed to say I told him I didn't want them to end.


I know I have to finish telling ya'll about the Old Man, but I need to cool down from reminiscing on my "sessions" with Basketball. Wooooooo-Saaaaaaa!!!!!!

I Just Don't Understand..... CONTINUED

Sooooo I left off with Basketball's intro. Now it's time to get into the nitty gritty....


Basketball pursued me for about 3mos before I gave him any play. I would see him damn near everyday at work, and everyday he was always trying to get my number.I finally gave in after he literally chased me down the hall(I will admit, I liked playing the cat and mouse game with him....it made me feel.....SEXY!). But anyway, I finally gave him my number and HE NEVER CALLED!!!! <I was so pissed> So as you can imagine I was definitely saying "...wait till I see his ass!!!!" , but the day that I saw him, he had that "I need to talk to you" look. 


Me: so what happened to you calling???


Him: I got something to....explain to you


Me: whatever it is don't sugar-coat it


Him:i'm married....but before you get too upset, just know that we are in the middle of trying to figure out if we are going to stay married. You see, we got married really young and I've cheated on her alot in the past. I've been trying to do right by her and I'm just feeling like she's not who I want to be with.


Me: why did you pursue me if you are trying to do right??? You getting my # isn't considered "doing right" ya know?


Him: I know, but I just couldn't let you pass me by...


I'll be honest I did fall for that last line. Also, I was more attracted to him at this point for some reason. While we were talking, all I could think about was sex. 


Some time passes, we get to know more about each other and we are very flirtatious at work.
 (You know, I failed to mention that me, Old Man, and Basketball all work together,, my bad.) 


One day he asks me to come to this party that was gonna take place later on that week. To him I decline, in my head I'm already picking out my outfit. 
The night of the party I'm scoping out the scene with a few of my friends and I see his homeboy...homeboy IMMEDIATELY strikes out to go find Basketball. Next thing I know , I feel someones hands go around my waist and a soft kiss on my neck. I turn around to see Basketball looking sexy as ever....I mean I could've literally fucked him right then and there. He was looking just that good. 


We stayed with each other pretty much all night, kissing(in front of everyone, he made me feel like I was the only girl at that party) hugging, holding hands, kissing and kissing(yeah we did alot of kissing). At about 3am I was ready to head out; he walks me outside and then asks me to come to his car to talk<yeah right>. As soon as we get in the car we get into EXTREME make-out mode and the juices are flowing. He starts playing with the kitty and she's excited. He then motions for some head and because I know I'm gonna get mine next, I oblige. 


I made sure he got the best blowjob known to man. I was pulling out all the stops and I know he was enjoying. 
I finish up doing my thing and we go back into make-out mode and then...................he STOPS!!!!!! Ugh!!!!! What the fuck!!!!!!! I'm like why did you stop and he looks me dead in my eyes and says "It's not fair to her", meaning his wife. I couldn't say anything I was just stuck.
We sat there for a few minutes in silence, then I quietly put my panties back on, fixed the top of my dress, got out of the car and proceeded to walk down the street to my own car.




***Gotta get back to work,, I'll try to finish this up tomorrow

I Seriously Think...

I seriously think that my mom doesn't like me. I can never do anything right to her....especially when it comes to my daughter. Everything I do has something wrong. I try my best to do things to her standard and I end up just hearing about how much my attempt was an epic fail from her.


I know I shouldn't do things to make her happy, but it just makes my life a little easier when I don't hear her critiques in the background. 


Honestly though, when it comes to my daughter I think she tries to make up for the things she lacked when me and my sister were little. It's almost like she's trying to be a better mother thru my daughter or something. It's either that or she's just trying to show that she's a better mother than me (If she was, in my opinion, me and my sister wouldn't be as messed up as we are). You see, my mom is very stone-faced, shows no emotion AT ALL!!! At the age of 24 I've only seen my mother cry twice. The first time was when I was like 11 and she was starting the early phases of menopause. The second time was when I was 21 and she had just gotten her boobs done, she was hopped up on pain meds and decided to try and go make some toast and fell in the kitchen. My dad and sister yelled at her and she started crying.... Those are the only times my mom has ever shown any real emotion. 


She never really showed affection to me and my sister as kids, little hugs and kisses here and there. You know, Full House type stuff. We never got any of that. It's almost like she really didn't like us. Then one day all of a sudden my sister was all the rage and I was just some kid that she fed one day and I just kept coming back. This moment of "I love my oldest child" came around the time my sister was in the 5th grade and I was in the 3rd. At first, I didn't pay things much attention and then it got to the point that I didn't even want to go home(yes, I felt like this in the 3rd grade) because I was gonna get yelled at, whooped, or placed on punishment for something. That feeling of not wanting to go home didn't ease up, so I started getting involved in extra-curricular<-I think I spelled that right :-/...activites. Baton, cheerleading. Hell, even the 4-H club. I was desperate!!!!!


As I got older the resentment in my mom didn't subside. In fact, I think it got worse. I tried so hard to make her proud of me doubling up on classes, trying to be a stand-out in everything I did, whether it was at school or at home, I put forth my very best. Things didn't really turn around until I moved out. That's when me and my mom started to build a relationship. 


When I was out on my own things were really good and for once my sister was the "red-headed stepchild". We would go shopping together, go out to lunch, we would just hang out and enjoy each other's company. 
Unfortunately, this moment of euphoria didn't last long. It was only a matter of time before I fucked up again. 
That time was when my boyfriend was killed and I had to drop 2 nuclear bombs on her.... 
Me: hey ma, how was your day
Her: it was good, how was yours?
Me: not, good.....
Her: oh
Me: My boyfriend was killed today and........I'm pregnant....
Her:(silence)


For the rest of that week it was nothing but silence. On the day of my boyfriends funeral the only thing I was asked by her, with my dad and sister standing close by, was "Are you sure you want to go thru with your pregnancy? You still have time....."


From that day on our relationship has been on a downward spiral while her relationship with my sister is damn near in space. 


I can't write about this anymore....it's making me more depressed. Maybe  another day I can finish getting these particular feelings out.....

He's Back!!!! For Now Anyway...

Sexy Mexi has shown back up in my life and I don't know what to make of it. He texts me more and he's even calling more.... He tells me that he misses me and that he thinks about me all the time. I know those words can be one of two things: 1).Game 2). The Truth. I just don't to try and figure out which.


One part of me is like don't fall for it, because he's only gonna get you riled up and then disappear on you again. But, the other part of me is like he likes you, if he didn't why would he still be in touch with you?? I'm so confused when it comes to him. I could really see myself with him(not just because he's fine as hell, or the sex is on point) because we do have a lot in common and we compliment each other.


My confusion also stems from the last time we were together. I told him tell me what his intentions were when it came to me because I didn't want to guess when it came to him. I flat out asked him if he was looking for a friend, a cut-buddy, or a potential relationship... his response was he would like to see where things could go between us. So why is he so off and on when it comes to me. 


My sister says I'm going to sabotage things with him because I too blunt and forward with him, and The Bestie says that being upfront is right because there are no lingering questions when it comes to what's going on between us. 


I don't know......


I want to handle him the best way possible, "cause I'm tired of being by myself. I just don't want to be the "chaser" in this situation.