I Seriously Think...

I seriously think that my mom doesn't like me. I can never do anything right to her....especially when it comes to my daughter. Everything I do has something wrong. I try my best to do things to her standard and I end up just hearing about how much my attempt was an epic fail from her.


I know I shouldn't do things to make her happy, but it just makes my life a little easier when I don't hear her critiques in the background. 


Honestly though, when it comes to my daughter I think she tries to make up for the things she lacked when me and my sister were little. It's almost like she's trying to be a better mother thru my daughter or something. It's either that or she's just trying to show that she's a better mother than me (If she was, in my opinion, me and my sister wouldn't be as messed up as we are). You see, my mom is very stone-faced, shows no emotion AT ALL!!! At the age of 24 I've only seen my mother cry twice. The first time was when I was like 11 and she was starting the early phases of menopause. The second time was when I was 21 and she had just gotten her boobs done, she was hopped up on pain meds and decided to try and go make some toast and fell in the kitchen. My dad and sister yelled at her and she started crying.... Those are the only times my mom has ever shown any real emotion. 


She never really showed affection to me and my sister as kids, little hugs and kisses here and there. You know, Full House type stuff. We never got any of that. It's almost like she really didn't like us. Then one day all of a sudden my sister was all the rage and I was just some kid that she fed one day and I just kept coming back. This moment of "I love my oldest child" came around the time my sister was in the 5th grade and I was in the 3rd. At first, I didn't pay things much attention and then it got to the point that I didn't even want to go home(yes, I felt like this in the 3rd grade) because I was gonna get yelled at, whooped, or placed on punishment for something. That feeling of not wanting to go home didn't ease up, so I started getting involved in extra-curricular<-I think I spelled that right :-/...activites. Baton, cheerleading. Hell, even the 4-H club. I was desperate!!!!!


As I got older the resentment in my mom didn't subside. In fact, I think it got worse. I tried so hard to make her proud of me doubling up on classes, trying to be a stand-out in everything I did, whether it was at school or at home, I put forth my very best. Things didn't really turn around until I moved out. That's when me and my mom started to build a relationship. 


When I was out on my own things were really good and for once my sister was the "red-headed stepchild". We would go shopping together, go out to lunch, we would just hang out and enjoy each other's company. 
Unfortunately, this moment of euphoria didn't last long. It was only a matter of time before I fucked up again. 
That time was when my boyfriend was killed and I had to drop 2 nuclear bombs on her.... 
Me: hey ma, how was your day
Her: it was good, how was yours?
Me: not, good.....
Her: oh
Me: My boyfriend was killed today and........I'm pregnant....
Her:(silence)


For the rest of that week it was nothing but silence. On the day of my boyfriends funeral the only thing I was asked by her, with my dad and sister standing close by, was "Are you sure you want to go thru with your pregnancy? You still have time....."


From that day on our relationship has been on a downward spiral while her relationship with my sister is damn near in space. 


I can't write about this anymore....it's making me more depressed. Maybe  another day I can finish getting these particular feelings out.....