Talkin' Suicide

Now before you get all riled up from the title, let me explain.......


Yesterday, me and the Bestie were talking about my life and the things that have gone on in it. That conversation led into talking about my depression. I told her I think I want to try this new prescription my doctor wrote for me, just to try it out to see if it worked better than the last stuff I got I really want some xanax or something like it. I want that stuff that will have me so happy I'm speaking to people I don't like, but to also try to see if it helps with how I think. I will admit to ya'll just like I admitted to the Bestie, and not to my doctor, that I do have suicidal thoughts. 


I was telling her (The Bestie) my suicidal thoughts aren't like, you know, I'm gonna "run my car off the road", or "I'm gonna shoot myself". When I think about suicide, I'm thinking about...."How can I kill myself without it hurting?" I told her I don't want to shoot myself because that will hurt (and because where I work I see ALOT of people that failed in that category) If I shoot myself I want to be successful. I don't want to be in the hospital and people are looking at me and saying "how do you shoot yourself and MISS?" I don't want to try and hang myself 'cause once whatever I'm standing on is gone; I'm gonna be dangling there thinking "damn, I can't breathe!!!!!" With the "hanging thing I also don't want to feel my life slipping away.


Then next thought was slitting my wrist, but I know that will hurt and I ain't trying to feel any pain. The only thing I could think of was overdosing, but even that's not guaranteed! Eventually, the Bestie was like " I don't think suicide is for you if you have all of the rules to it." She was right too. Once I really sat down and replayed our conversation, I said to myself, "if you were gonna do it, you would do it. It wouldn't matter if it hurt or not. Most people that are serious about it just do whatever they think is gonna work; where it would register on a pain scale is not even a factor!"


Suicidal thoughts still come and go, but my conscience has been alittle more vocal. It's not just saying "GIRL! That's gone HURT!!!!!" It's also saying "Don't be selfish....don't let your daughter lose her mother too!!! She has already lost her Daddy what has she done to make her lose you???"


So no suicide for me...Thanx Conscience and Bestie!!