Punishment

Sometimes I feel like my family punishes me for having my daughter. Anytime I want to do something or go somewhere they always find a way to make it damn near impossible. I couldn't even take Bestie out for her birthday,, because no one wanted to keep my daughter. I mean she's not a bad girl or anything like that,, she's your average active 2yr old. 
I mainly feel this "punishment" treatment with my sister. She always has to boast about all the things she is able to do because she is child free and she pisses me off on purpose because she knows I won't say anything ( she does it because she knows I need her). A lot of the time I wish I didn't need her or my parents, but I know I wouldn't be able to work or go to school without them. I just hate the fact that they tend to rub it in my face that I am a single parent.... I really wish my circumstances were different.




Off Topic


I just found out last night that Decent's step-dad died last night. It seems as if there is gonna be no one left really on his side of the family

deaths in Decent's family in the past 10 yrs (that's about how long we were dating)
His biological father
His uncle
His mother
Him (Decent)
His oldest brother
His grandmother
and as of yesterday his Step-dad

Why are these things happening to me and my baby????? Why is my baby losing people before she can even get to know them forreal?????? Why is this happening to her???????

Coming Soon

I'm putting this out for 2 reasons:

1) So I can can keep you updated on the things that have been happening (I will admit life has been moving by pretty fast for me)

2) So I won't forget the things I want to talk about... ( yeah my mind is bad,, maybe I should try some ginko baloba???? Hmmmm I'll think about it....)

But anyway here are my mini updates:

*Old Man keeps telling me he loves me...I guess hoping I'll say it back....

* I got back in touch with one of my old cut buddies... we were off and on when me and Decent were off and on. He was a pretty good lay,, we fell out because Basketball is his friend and he got a little jealous when Basketball would ask about me.... then he moved to Cali.... When we talked a few days ago he said we were cool and we made plans to "get together" when he comes back home. I'll admit,, I can't wait to see him....I just need to hit this Insanity workout HARD so that my body is on point!!! Shaun T here I come!!!!! I gotta be sexy for the sex!


* Fishy and his bullshit,, this nigga asked me out on a date... but the date wasn't to a restaurant or anything like that. His date was for me to go swimming with him at the apartment complex that he's bumming at with his friend! Nigga you ain't even a LEGAL resident of the complex,, how are you gonna invite somebody to they pool and you're not even supposed to be in it?!?!?!?


*My baby has to get glasses :o(. I was really hoping she would inherit her father's eye sight,, instead she looks and acts just like him and sees like my blind ass!!! Hmpf!


*I think Old Man have an STD!!! not from me!!!! I'm gonna get off topic for one second with this,, but I've noticed a pattern with Old Man.....he really only calls/or texts me when he wants something....  Anyway, he sends me a text early one morning asking about bacterial infections in men. I explained that I haven't heard much about male bacterial infections because their bodies don't have as much going on like the female body. So being nosey,, I asked what his symptoms were, he said " I'm just itchin' real bad,, I feel like if I could just stick something "up there" and scratch I'd feel so much better and it kinda hurts when I pee...but I think it's a bladder infection or something like that,,, so can you get me something for it?????" 


*I think I want to quit my job..... I'm just burned out on the shit that I have to deal with and these sorry ass people I have to work with.


*I'm trying to move but, my mom says if I move out....I can't take my daughter ?!?!?!?!? What the fuck?!?!?!?!?!?


*I got financial aid for the next 2 semesters of school!!!!! Woot woot!!!! Now if only I could do better on some these tests!!! The things I thought I would be successful at,, I'm sucking REALLY bad in, and the things I thought would be my down fall, I'm actually doing pretty good.  I just know I need to buckle down,, cause I can't afford to fail any classes. I just wish my folks were taking this school thing serious....


So these are my updates,, hopefully before fall semester starts I can give more deets. Anywho, let me do some homework and finish this smooth ass cup of coffee I just made....Damn this shit is good!

Me + Online Dating = Epic FAIL!!!

So I took some advice from Bestie and decided to try out online dating, since meeting my future ex-husband by chance wasn't gonna happen. I hopped on the usual sites like Match.com and Blackpeoplemeet.com, but I kept attracting the 40+ crowd and that's waaay too old for me. So Bestie suggested this site called Tagged. Let me just say if you like old men, smoked out dudes, ugly guys, lying mofos, wannabe superstars, thirsty niggas, OR all the above, whose messages start like "aye gimme yo numba, wat up wit ya, I wanna suck yo toes, what's good ma, reply back wit yo numba, I wanna eat yo pussy" and so on and so forth .... then Tagged is the place for you! But anyway, I get on set my little profile up and release it to the world. Instantly I get requests and messages, but nothing from a guy that has any type of potential.Then one day I get a request and message from a guy who was actually cute and within my age range(28). We chat it up online for awhile and I am really feeling him, so I give him my number. After a a few days he finally calls me. He has: 
1) a nice voice
2) good conversation
3) a cute laugh


We really had good conversation. I mean I was really getting excited about meeting him and seeing where this could possibly go. Then things just changed and went downhill from there.


So one day, I text him ya know,, just a "Hey how's your day going?" type of text,, and he responds: really bad...


Me: awww what's wrong?


Him: I lost my place today


Me:Oh.


Him:I don't know what I'm gonna do


Me:I mean what happened?


Him: I guess my folks got tired of paying my bills...


Me: Oh


Him: I don't have anywhere to go.


Me: Oh. I'm sorry...

Now, I'm thinking at 28yrs old, WHY in the hell are your parents footing your bills??? Also, staying in an apartment you knew eviction was coming, 'cause if you don't pay the complex, they put past due notices on your door,, they don't mail that kinda shit! So, was yo ass just ignoring the notices or were you just taking them off the door and giving them straight to your folks? I'm curious how you let yourself get evicted like that. Now don't get me wrong I know that eviction does happen (ya know getting behind because you're not making enough money, or blowing your money cause you don't put your priorities first) But to get evicted because your folks stopped paying your rent and bills and you have no job or emergency money to help out?!?!? 


I feel like this....if my folks are footing my bills I'm gonna go get a job (if I don't have one) and show some initiative that I am trying to get on the path of financial independence. But this nigga just sittin back like he got it, hanging  with his friends all day everyday. The sad part about this whole thing is he told me he was sleeping in his car because his mom wasn't talking to him, not to mention she didn't have a place of her own she's living with his GRANDMOTHER!!!!! Soooooo your mom doesn't have her own spot and yet you depend on her to pay your bills??????  You deserve to be evicted!!!  Not to mention the fact that he has 2 kids!!!!! (according to him, baby momma is married but anyway....) You have 2 kids HOW are you taking care of them and you're not even taking of yourself??? Did you just disregard your responsibility as a father because your baby momma got married,, and you basically said you're gonna let this other dude take care of your kids????? What the HELL!?!?!?!? 


So one day, I call him just to see if he was still sitting around moping or was he trying to do something about his situation. I simply asked him had he talked to his mom and he said "she's not picking up" so I say,, maybe you need to just go over there and talk face to face" he then proceeds to say "I don't have enough gas to make it over there". REALLY??? So were you depending on them for gas money and shit too??


OK now, fast forward a couple of weeks......
According to him,, one of his friends is letting him stay at their place until he gets back on his feet, he got a job, but he hasn't heard from them to get a start date O_o (ummm ok) and last but not least he still wants to meet cause he thinks I'm just so beautiful and I didn't turn my back on him when he hit rock bottom.....


Now, I do have a confession to make... the only reason I'm still communicating with him is because I need a distraction from Sexy Mexi. I need someone to distract me from the constant urge to call or text him so I'm using......hmmmm I didn't give this fella a name,, what shall I name thee????
 I think I will name him "Fishy" because his story is alittle.....well.....fishy.
But I'm using Fishy for company purposes. Who knows maybe he will get his shit together and we can possibly move forward into something and I will have no choice but to let Sexy Mexi go.


We'll see.....

More of Sexy Mexi

I know I have been gone for a while....school has been totally kicking my ass,, I'm starting to think I got in waaaaay over my head. But, I'll get in to that in another post...


 So let me fill you in on the various goings on in my life:
(this post will mainly be about Sexy Mexi,, there is some more stuff that need to talk about, but I'll put that in another post,, just a little hint: it's about this guy I met online o_O)
Well I, at one point, completely wrote off Sexy Mexi; I saw him a couple of weeks ago and all he wanted to talk about was sex...I know I know...I'm sexually deprived. But, I feel like since I'm the one not getting it on the regular I should be the one to initiate the sex talk... But anyway, after that night I just upped and stopped calling and texting. A few weeks went by and he just popped up in my head this past Friday night, so I texted him and asked him if he was getting out. He said he was already out so I told him if he felt like it to swing by the club I was going to be at. We ended up meeting up... He complimented me on my outfit ( I was looking hella sexy too) and then he moved into serious talk.


Sexy Mexi: do you think I avoid you?


Me: at one point I thought that,, then I just stopped caring. You didn't matter to me anymore.


Sexy Mexi: Damn, it's like that???


Me: pretty much,, why should I care? You weren't trying to spend anytime to get to know me for real so I just left you were you were.


Sexy Mexi: I've just been really busy, I'm working 4 jobs (inclucing the military as a job). I am feeling you, I just have alot going on... I'm trying to buy me another house.


Me: I understand you are busy, but I don't ask for much. When it comes to spending time,, I will take alittle time over nothing at all and you acted like you couldn't give me that so I was like 'whatever'...


After that conversation I proceeded to sashay my way to the club. He offered to walk me to the door, but I declined. He then insisted that I had a boyfriend ( I wish)....


 I didn't really know what to make of this interaction with him. Don't get me wrong, it felt good to see him and we have good conversation when we talk. But, this insinuation of a boyfriend is just new to me. I'm confused because I can't read him. He says he feeling me and wants to get to know me better but his actions show the latter.


Okay now, let's fast forward later on into the night. At about 1am I get a text from him asking if I was still at the club. I replied yes but I was about to get ready to go the  girls that I went out with are not the kind I want to party with,, I'd rather go get drinks and eat with them,, so needless to say i was rather bored hanging out with them *sigh*. He asks me to call him when I leave because he really wanted to see me again before I headed home.


I meet up with him and he immediately jumps to that boyfriend shit
Sexy Mexi: Did you and your man have fun,, where did you tell him you were going when you left?


Me: if I had a man, I wouldn't have left him to sit around and talk to you. I would still be with him at the club or somewhere fucking him...


Sexy Mexi: Damn, what is up with you??? You have changed since we met.


Me: nothing is up with me, being honest. When it came to you, I used to be an optimist,, now I'm a realist :o/


He then proceeded to apologize for his neglect on my part and made little comments like: the only way we are going to see more of each other is if you're sleeping in my bed or I'm sleeping yours.... I didn't respond I just gave him a look. 


I really don't know to process Sexy Mexi and the conversation we had that night. I mean, I really enjoyed his company and we talked til almost 4am and as of late he's either called or texted since that night. 


I just wish I knew where he was in life as far as dating and relationships go. I'm exploring my other options as far as dating around goes, I just want to know is it worth it to keep interacting with him...hoping he makes up his mind when it comes to me or just let him go completely regardless of how he feels about me....


Oh I forgot to mention,, we DID have sex that night,, BUT I initiated it and it was great!

Ben Wa Balls and Post Pregnancy Cravings

As of late I have been fascinated with these things called Ben-Wa Balls. The balls work along with your body when you do Kegel exercises. They strengthen the pelvic floor which in turn gives you better bladder control, tightens up the "baby dispenser" aka vagina and when worn while sexing it up, they increasing the POW factor. Not to mention you can ease those babies in before you go to work and feel so good you'll be speaking to people you don't even like (when you wear them while you're out and about, while walking and/or jogging they give you a nice sensual vibrating sensation... ooh la la). I've been thinking about trying these bad boys out, since my sex life is pretty much non-existent and I'm not confident enough yet to walk into the local sex shop and buying a "mr fix it" and I'm sure as hell not about to order something and have my nosey momma open the package and look like a pop-eyed duck when she sees the contents. So for now, Ben Wa Balls are my go to source. (When I get the nerve order or go get them and maybe a little something extra :-) , I'll have to let you guys know how that goes....)


One strange thing about being in sexual starvation mode is that my post-pregnancy cravings have come back, and these cravings are not the food cravings I had. After I had my daughter aside from wanting Pizza Hut every minute of every day; I had cravings for the scent of cleaning products.... strange, I know. Lately I have gotten sheer pleasure from the scent of lemon and orange Ajax dishwashing liquid, Gain washing powder, All washing powder, and last but not least rubbing alcohol.


At first, when these cravings came back I thought I was on "white kid status" and I was resurrecting "huffing". But, after a frantic call to my doctor she said I was perfectly fine and that as long as I am not getting high off of the things I love to smell I'm ok.  I don't know what is up with me lately, could my life really be taking this strange turn because I'm  not getting sexed up on the regular????? I don't know,, all I know is that I need to remedy this little situation.... Before things get even more strange.

Writer's Block

I've got a post pending that I just can't find the words to finish it. My mind is going North South East and West and I don't know why?!?!?!? Maybe it's my chemical imbalance that I have. Bestie and I were talking today about my depression and how things were going medicine free, and let me just say it SUCKS!!!! When we were talking I wondered aloud if I had this chemical imbalance all along and the happiness I experienced with the Decent Boyfriend was just artificial and when he died the imbalance was more pronounced or did all this depression and chemical shit with my brain happen when he died????? Hmmmmmm
*ponders this for a moment*


I don't know, I'm just tired of experiencing all these ups and downs. You know,, just feeling all fucked up on the inside...


Honestly I feel crazy and sane all at the same time. Ugh!!!!! I'm so Frustrated!!!!!!!!!!


~posts sign on computer: Back whenever.... 


*walks away  to get a drink*

Cake Cake Cake Cake!!!!!!

Today My precious baby girl is 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HaPpY BiRtHdAy Princess!!!!