March 29, 2012

Day 1 (alittle about me)

Ok so I'm trying this blogging thing out. I will be honest I'm using this as therapy,, you know as a release for my emotions and thoughts...cause I really don't want to do anti-depressants or see a therapist again.

Why would I need meds or therapy? You may ask... Well let me tell you....

Once upon a time I was a semi-happy girl. I had a decent boyfriend a good job and freedom. I say semi-happy because my family REALLY got on my nerves and never really respected me or supported me and the decisions I made. I was always doing something wrong to them. The other thing that made me semi-happy was "the decent boyfriend". We met when we were 14yrs old and were inseparable. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world, until I found out he was making about 3 other girls feel the exact same way. But, because I was in his life first and sooooo in love. I stayed and pretty much ignored the isht he was doing. 

I was the good girl and he was the bad boy so on top of me ignoring the harassing phone calls from the other females and the constant mess, he wanted to keep me around because he knew I was the only one that really had his back. For instance, One night we were supposed to go out to dinner and have a romantic night at a really nice hotel (btw, we were in our 20's at this time,, don't want you to think I was a "fast one", lol). I got all CUTE,, put my "come get it" undies on with the matching bra and everything! But anyway, we make plans to meet at the hotel before dinner because "he had something to do". Well I get to the hotel at the meeting time which was around 6pm. Well 6 turns to 7, 7 turns to 8 and so on. By 9:30pm I hadn't heard anything so I'm getting pissed and worried at the same time and then my phone rings....

"You have received a collect call from_______"
Him: "it's me"
 This negro is in JAIL!!!!! So as you can imagine I am hella pissed. So I go to the jail and bond him out (I know I was stupid) and he has the nerve to ask me do I still want to go out to eat, when I say "no" he's like "do you wanna go back to the room?" Ummm Hell NO!!!<- is probably what a normal female  would say,, but me ?????? I said "yeah that's fine" . We get back to the room one of them damn females call!!!! So I'm like "why didn't you ask her to come bail you out?" and while I'm fussing his text alert goes off and I snatch the phone only to see it's ANOTHER female talking about about "I got ur message bae, u str8?" And that's when I threw it in his face.... "You see she knew you were locked up and didn't even pick up when you called,, she probably called the jail to see if you had been bailed out and when they said you were, that's when she up and texts! How else would she know you had your phone to even know to text you?????" He could only hang his head in shame.
There are many other times that things like that happened between me and him but I will get into that another day.

But, now let's fastforward a bit after 8yrs of being together(off and on, but never straying too far away) I find out that I am pregnant.... Yay! Right? Well, at least he was happy and promising to do better we even started looking at houses. But, unfortunately we never made it. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant................He was killed :(. 

His death really took me down. I hit rock bottom... I was like "How do you go from planning for a baby, to planning a funeral for your baby's father?" I just felt alone and the thing that made it worse was MY FAMILY was trying to talk me into ABORTING my child!!!!! WTF!?!?!?!?!? Things in life from that point started to spiral out of control going from bad to worse.....

 This is a little of my back story that will kinda explain some of the things to come, and why I am trying a new release for my depression and an outlet for the things that I can't say to my friends and especially my family.

Sooooo,, with all that being said Welcome to The Life And Times Of A Black Barbie