April 30, 2012

Sexy Mexi Part 2

I was caught stealing lotion.... Sexy Mexi walked in just as I rubbing in the final touches to give my legs a nice sheen, you know in case the pants were gonna come off. Surprisingly, he didn't call me out or anything. He just smiled at me, got a pair of basketball shorts out of the dresser drawer, helped me into them, and then kissed me ever so sweetly. We continued to kiss until those shorts were back on the floor.

Let me just say he gave me the BEST head EVER!!!!!!!!! That man is gifted with his mouth and tongue. He served me for about 30min; when I couldn't take anymore(yeah, I tapped out) I  motioned for him to get comfortable because I was gonna return the favor. I made sure the gag reflex was "turned off" so that I could really pull out all the stops for him; and boy did he enjoy it!!! I must say thinking back on his reaction to my mouth and throat...yes throat....game I need to give myself a pat on the back. Now I know I probably shouldn't be proud of this but.....I am for some reason. Hmmmmm. Anywho, moving on now.... 

He clearly showed that he enjoyed me and the things I could do. I gave him about the same amount of attention he gave me, maybe a little less, and then we went thru every position imaginable. Once we were done we just laid there for about 30min just kissing here and there. I got up and made may way to the shower and he went into the other bathroom. I take my time getting dressed. Just really processing my thoughts and getting myself together. 

 *getting a little off topic* I don't know what it is about sex, but you have an out of body experience. For some you say things you don't mean and others just go into another world while having sex. Not thinking of anything just enjoying the moment...

I get dressed and step out of the bathroom and I am immediately welcomed by the smell of breakfast cooking. I walk into the kitchen to see eggs, bacon, waffles homemade waffles,, take THAT Eggo!!!, and orange juice set out neatly on the table. We eat our food and talk some more. Go back to his room and watch a movie. He asks me if I want to stay the night, but I declined (I promised my little girl I would be at home when she woke up and even though she's only 1, I want to always try to keep my promises to her). So he walked me out to the car, kissed me sweetly one more time and I left.

After a night like that, and talking pretty much everyday, I am soo confused about his behavior now. I don't know what to make of it. He will tell me he wants to see me again, but I have yet to see him. He says he's really feeling me but I have yet to see his actions reflect his words....

Oh well.....

I know I said in one of my posts that I was gonna wash my hands of him, but my curiosity and attraction to him are making me hold on. But I will say I haven't called or texted him 3days. I've made him take the initiative to contact me. So far, he has been trying to call me and text me (even though the hours he calls and texts aren't ideal) he still tries.
We'll see what happens...

April 25, 2012

We Can't Seem To Let Go

I haven't seen Basketball since the day I got my feelings hurt. So imagine my surprise today when I run into him in the hallway. We greet each other and have a little small talk. Unfortunately, in the midst of our little impromptu meeting he did share some bad news with me...he lost his grandmother this past weekend :o(.
I asked him if he was ok and if he wanted to talk about it, he just said he would catch up with me later.

Later comes and I get a phone call and he was just really sad sounding on the phone. Because I genuinely feel bad I ask him to come and see me so we could talk face to face. I meet him at one of our favorite spots (not the stairwell)  and we talk. After a few minutes of random talk he tells me he really didn't want to talk about his grandmother he just wanted to see me.

We hang out for a little while longer before he says he has to get back to work, and then we make our way to our favorite spot..........THE STAIRWELL. We talk there for a few more minutes and right before we go our separate ways I give him a hug. (It was a "Sorry about your loss" type of hug, not a "I want to feel your body" type of hug). As we are pulling apart to seriously go our separate ways, he pulls me in and gives me the deepest most passionate kiss ever! We go at it non-stop for about 10-15min, only stopping here and there to look into to each others eyes. It was like a scene out of The Notebook. NO, it was more like that scene in Hustle & Flow when Terrence Howard went back to kiss Taraji P. Henson, it was one of those kind of kisses. 
Then, he whispers in my ear "When can I get it?" and I respond "Whenever you want it..." I know I was an idiot for saying that, but I'm not gonna lie, I DID want IT!!!!! All I wanted really was to just fuck him and get it over with. I wanted to get rid of the sexual tension that has been there since we met. I even suggested waaaay before he and his wife decided to stay together and get pregnant that we go ahead and get it out of the way shameless I know and he just said we couldn't because once we started fucking we wouldn't stop. It would be a continuous cycle of fucking until we slipped up, and we definitely didn't want that to happen.

Ok, where was was I??? Oh yeah, my dum dum answer "whenever you want it" ... he then says "If we fucked I KNOW I would nut in you and I don't want to put you or her (the wife) in any kind of situation, but damn I want to fuck you". In my head I'm saying I wanna fuck you too!!!!!! Come on let's do it right here right now!! How do you want it?????? 

He begins to walk off but he comes back and says "I know we said no more of this the last time and we both went back on our word, let's really swear this is it. We have to stop." He holds out his pinky (motioning for me to make a pinky promise). We link our pinkies (I know its lame) and we kiss one last time.

I will honestly say that I was really trying to keep my word when it came to Basketball and "The Sessions". I avoided him just so we wouldn't want to try to be alone. I really did put forth a conscience effort to stay away from him. But, now that we have made the "No More Sessions" declaration again I am going to keep my word this time.....SERIOUSLY I am.

 I have moments of clarity when I do realize that my actions, when it comes to Basketball, affect the things that are going on in my life (i.e. still being single) and my actions have the potential to affect my daughter and how she grows up and how she may act when she's older. I'm really trying to make good decisions but I let my body and heart take over my mind more than I should...

April 23, 2012

Sexy Mexi

I feel like talking about the night I met Sexy Mexi....

 A co-worker of mine, let's call her Negative well, because she's always negative... tells me her friend has a friend that was looking to meet someone. You know...that "he wanna meet a nice girl that has her shit together" type stuff. She thought I would be a good choice for this dude. Now Negative and I were never really "Chummy" at work. We would speak in passing and hold random conversation here and there, but I don't think anybody at work really classified us as friends. So I was very hesitant to jump on board.

After a few days of going back and forth with myself (I was very skeptical) I finally broke down and said "yes". I still couldn't help but wonder WHY I was the choice for this dude, did I seem desperate to her and that's why she wanted to hook me up, or did she actually think I was a good choice for him??? Who knows????? But anyway, we decided to meet at Applebee's because it wasn't too intimate and plus Negative and the friend were gonna be there as the "ice breakers"; which was ok with me because I didn't have the slightest clue of what I getting myself into.

I'm running late as usual, we were supposed to meet at 8pm but I got there at like 8:30pm. I walk in...look to my left and I see Negative. I look a little further left and I see this high yellow god looking at me. I will admit my jaw did drop, I recall having to make a conscience effort to close my mouth. He was just looking sooo good. He had a fresh Ceasar cut with waves that would make you sea sick if you looked at them too long. Muscular arms with some sexy ass tattoos!!! Ooh wee!!! I coulda sworn he had and aura glowing around him. Negative gets up and introduces us, we shake hands he was soo soft, smooth and hard at the same time, i didn't want to let go. I ask where the friend was, and Negative said he wasn't coming because he didn't want to upset his new wife (he was afraid if someone that knew her saw him out with us it would look like a double date; apparently she holds the reigns pretty tight when it comes to him. Sexy Mexi also told me that she really doesn't like him, so he figured that may have played a part as to why he didn't come). So we get our table and we have really good conversation. We had alot of stuff in common, there was never really a dull moment with us. 

We did have drinks, me in particular, I had 3 lemon drop martini's Oooh those things are so good!!! But, anyway, as we pay for our meal Sexy Mexi asks me did I want to go somewhere else with him. Of course I said yes! I hop into his car and we end up meeting up with the friend at a local bar and had a few more drinks there. Things are starting to wind down and he asks if I would like to go back to his place, not in a seductive manner or anything... we get into his car (so he can take me back to mine, and I trail him to his place) he looks at me and asks ever so sweetly if he could kiss me. You know I jumped at that opportunity!! All I can say is I wanted to suck his lips clean off his face!!!!! They were so soft and delicate. We kissed for about 10min before we got on the road to head back to my car. We kiss off and on at stop signs and red lights.... *lost in thought reminiscing on the feel of his lips*

Fast forward to getting to his place...
Ok now I told you I had some drinks, let's add them up really quick: 3 lemon drop martini's, water, 2 armaretto sours, some type of beer (I think strawberry-it was nasty!), 1 crown and coke, and 1 shot of tequila. With all that I had to drink you know the flood gates were about to burst at the seams!!! So when I get to his place the first thing out of my mouth was "where's the bathroom?" He directs me to the bathroom in his room. 

I'm sitting on the pot, over-joyed I didn't piss on myself in the car. I'm surveying the bathroom and something tells me to look at my legs....
I'll be damned, I'm ashy as fuck and I left my purse in my car!!!!! Damnit!!!!! I peep my head out the bathroom door and spot some lotion on his dresser. I quickly and quietly move across the room and fill my hands up with lotion. As I'm sitting in a chair trying to massage the lotion onto my legs, it seemed as if the more I tried to rub the shit in, the thicker it got! Sexy Mexi walks in his room and catches me!!!!!!

 I need to get back to work. I'll try to finish this up later....

April 19, 2012

Heart Pain :-(

Quick post.......

Yesterday, I was already a little pissed because I don't like how Sexy Mexi acts. I want to spend time with him and get to know him better but,  he makes that damn near impossible! I just don't understand....if you say you are feeling me and you do want to spend time and get to know me, why do you end texts like this: Later friend ???? I'm sooo confused when it comes to him. As much as I really don't want to, I think I'm gonna just wash my hands of him. He's not worth all this. He's fine,, but not THAT fine!!!!!

But anyway, back to the point of this post. I'm pissed because of Sexy Mexi, so by the time I get off work I just want to go home. I get off the elevator and outside I see Basketball. I get happy because I know I'm going to get some type of attention from him and I know he's gonna show that he's feeling me. 

Gotta get off topic for one second...
One of the things I like the most about Basketball is that he doesn't hide that he's feeling me (I know it looks bad because he's married and all) but he always makes it known if he could be single and choose again, he would choose me. 

Okay, back to the post... I see Basketball and sees me I start walking towards him, but I notice the expression on his face is a little strained. I take a better look and notice why he was looking the way he was. Standing beside him was his pregnant wife, and his step-daughter. 
I don't know why, but when I saw that sight I got sooooo sad. I wanted to cry! I wished it was me standing there with him and MY daughter!!!! I stood there for a moment, cleared the emotion from my face and walked to my car.  The only good thing about all of this is the fact that I didn't cry. 

But DAMN!!!! Seeing that made my heart feel like it had just been kicked by Bruce Lee wearing cleats!!!! Just seeing her with him....him with her...me standing there looking like dummy....ugh!

My heart hurts...

April 18, 2012

Is It Wrong????

*Is it wrong I want Basketball?

*Is it wrong I don't want Gotcha to train in Baskeball's department? (I don't want him or any other guy that finds me attractive in his department to think she is prettier than me)

*Is it wrong that I want Sexy Mexi to want me the way I want him?

*Is it wrong to wish The Decent Boyfriend was still here? (because I feel like I would be married by now)

*Is wrong for me to want to be engaged or at least have a boyfriend to make Basketball jealous?

*Is it wrong for me to want to tell Basketball when I have sex with someone? (again just to make him jealous)

*Is it wrong for me to want a guy to "run up behind me"?

*Is it wrong that sometimes I'm pleased with myself when I hurt someone else's feelings?

*Is it wrong for me to want to be in love 3yrs after The Decent Boyfriend's death?

*Is wrong that I am sorta happy my sister is fat now?

*Is it wrong that I don't care much for my parents?

*Is wrong I show my dog love than my parents?

*Is wrong I want to separate myself from my family?

*Is it wrong for me to use Old Man just for validation?

*Is it wrong I get pissed when a guy I think is attractive isn't into me? (I.E. Sexy Mexi)

*Is it wrong I'm mean to guys that I'm not attracted to, but they are attracted to me?

These are a few questions that about my character that I wonder about... Somethings I know are messed up and somethings are totally justified in my opinion.

April 17, 2012

I Need To Choose Better Friends

There is this girl I work with, I'll call her Kinkos.  I chose that name because everything I do she copies it, but fails. For example, at work my make up is always fly and it always matches what I have on. I'm pretty much known for it. But anyway we were cool so she knows a little about me and Basketball not about the "sessions", just the flirting and she knows the Old Man likes me. We work on the same floor, so we got to know each other pretty good, at one point, I could honestly call her a good friend. Whenever she had something to do immediately after work, she would ask for a ride to her car and of course because we're friends, I would take her. In fact, I began to take her to her car more frequently because she parked alittle far and didn't feel like walking (she's a little heavyset ok....she IS heavyset,, not fat just big length and width wise).  Now Kinkos and I got along well , even with the whole "hey, give me a ride to my car?" thing. Truthfully I was getting tired of taking her to her car. It was getting irritating because she would always start off the same...

Her: Hey Barbie (that's my actual nickname at work) what do you have to do when you get off?

Me: Gotta go to Africa, China, and then home, what's up?...(exaggeration)

Her: Take me to my car, It's not far if you driving,, but it's too far to walk...

Me:{in my head~ You walked  this morning, so what's the difference walking back???}Sure

No matter what I had to do, she always asked.

One day I really did park far and it looked like it was about to rain. We see each other in the elevator lobby and she's looks out the window and says "Looks like I picked a good day to get dropped off and picked up.." I said "yeah you did". She then asks me to wait with her till her boyfriend comes to pick her up. Because I'm a nice person....I stay with her. When he comes, I ask her if they could give me a ride to my car, considering the fact it was about to rain and so far. Do you know this heifer that reference to her is too nice BITCH has the nerve to tell me "NO, we are going straight home! Bye girl, see you tomorrow." So you know I'm hella pissed . How come no matter where I'm going after work I still give you a ride, but yo ass just said you're going straight home and I can't get a ride to my car?????? Ugh!!!!! On the way to car I'm calling her everything but a child of God. By the time I get to my car I was so fucking pissed I was seeing spots!!!! Not only did I have to walk damn near 4 blocks to me car (yeah, parking SUCKS big time at my job) but I'm soaking wet too!!!

So the next day, I see her at work and she has the audacity to say "My bad about yesterday. I didn't want my boyfriend to give you a ride because he may have tried to talk to you or you may have tried to talk to him (she kinda sniggles after she says this and then  proceeds to say.....),,but can you take me to my car this evening?" REALLY?!?!?!?!?!? You really think I'm gonna take your big ass to your car after that???? I was dumbstruck, bewildered, flabbergasted, speechless, etc.....
My response was: "1st what kinda friend to do you think I am??? Why would I try to talk to him and you in the car, what FRIEND would do that??? Also, I've seen what he looks like and trust me you can HAVE THAT!! 2nd what kinda man do you have that would disrespect you like that? If you feel that way about him being around another girl then he's obviously talked to another girl in front of you before, and you the fool that's still with him. You LET him disrespect you so he feels like you don't have any respect for yourself....that's why he don't want to wife you!". "Then you stupid too! Who tells the truth about why you wouldn't help someone you consider a friend out, and then turn around and ask for something and think things are ok????? ".

By the time I finished talking to her all I could see was red!!!

Now when I see her at work, she still copying my makeup I see she's gotten a little heavy on the eye shadow. I guess that's that's supposed to make it look better than mine....?.....  and trying to dress more like me. She even tries to fix her mouth to speak. But I just ignore her now. I don't have time for her and her bullshit.

April 14, 2012

Talkin' Suicide

Now before you get all riled up from the title, let me explain.......

Yesterday, me and the Bestie were talking about my life and the things that have gone on in it. That conversation led into talking about my depression. I told her I think I want to try this new prescription my doctor wrote for me, just to try it out to see if it worked better than the last stuff I got I really want some xanax or something like it. I want that stuff that will have me so happy I'm speaking to people I don't like, but to also try to see if it helps with how I think. I will admit to ya'll just like I admitted to the Bestie, and not to my doctor, that I do have suicidal thoughts. 

I was telling her (The Bestie) my suicidal thoughts aren't like, you know, I'm gonna "run my car off the road", or "I'm gonna shoot myself". When I think about suicide, I'm thinking about...."How can I kill myself without it hurting?" I told her I don't want to shoot myself because that will hurt (and because where I work I see ALOT of people that failed in that category) If I shoot myself I want to be successful. I don't want to be in the hospital and people are looking at me and saying "how do you shoot yourself and MISS?" I don't want to try and hang myself 'cause once whatever I'm standing on is gone; I'm gonna be dangling there thinking "damn, I can't breathe!!!!!" With the "hanging thing I also don't want to feel my life slipping away.

Then next thought was slitting my wrist, but I know that will hurt and I ain't trying to feel any pain. The only thing I could think of was overdosing, but even that's not guaranteed! Eventually, the Bestie was like " I don't think suicide is for you if you have all of the rules to it." She was right too. Once I really sat down and replayed our conversation, I said to myself, "if you were gonna do it, you would do it. It wouldn't matter if it hurt or not. Most people that are serious about it just do whatever they think is gonna work; where it would register on a pain scale is not even a factor!"

Suicidal thoughts still come and go, but my conscience has been alittle more vocal. It's not just saying "GIRL! That's gone HURT!!!!!" It's also saying "Don't be selfish....don't let your daughter lose her mother too!!! She has already lost her Daddy what has she done to make her lose you???"

So no suicide for me...Thanx Conscience and Bestie!!

April 13, 2012

What Would You Have Done?

I'm coming out of wally-world the other day and I hear a man outside begging for money. I listen closely because:
A.) I want to know why he's begging 

B.) the voice sounds eerily familiar

 I look up only to see a guy I used to date (I dated him when me and "The Decent Boyfriend<R.I.P>" were on hiatus). I was shocked, sad, and alittle pissed. I was was only pissed because he was trying to "reconnect", as he put it, with me a few months ago. 

Sadly once I realized it was him. I high-tailed it to my car. Not because I didn't want him to ask me for some money, ok maybe I didn't want him to ask me for any money, but because I thought it might be awkward. I didn't want him to think I thought he was a charity case....

I found out later that he's on cocaine REALLY bad, gave his baby momma herpes eww! and his baby ,who is like 4 or 5mos old, is in the ICU because he fell off a bed.... Whoa! 

April 12, 2012

I Just Don't Understand....CONTINUED*

As I walk to my car I feel like a complete FOOL/ASSHOLE. I couldn't believe things went down like that. So as you can imagine I drank the rest of night away and slept my day away. By the time Monday rolled around I was feeling the dread of going to work and having to face my humiliation head on.

By the middle of the day I think I'm in the clear because I haven't seen him. Right when the feelings shame and dread decide to get off my back guess who I run into in the hallway?????? We just stand there looking at each other, for at least 2-3minutes, before he apologizes to me. He says he did acknowledge shortly after I started on my walk of shame, that what transpired wasn't fair to me either. He told me he hopes that he didn't hurt me and that he hopes that our relationship could withstand that setback. 

I accepted his apology....... Now let's move on to the present.

Basketball and I didn't maintain our friendship/courtship. Even though I couldn't have him, I still wanted him and he still wanted me. Because we wanted each other so much we would meet up in secluded areas (without cameras) at our job and have EXTREME make-out sessions. It was like we were rabbits that couldn't fuck.....(well in retrospect we WERE rabbits that couldn't fuck) Anyway, we were making out any place we could, even the elevator...until we got caught! You'd think we would've stopped there!!! But we didn't ; instead we found a new spot.....the stairwell. Man-O-Man!! The stairwell was where we needed to be all along. We would be steaming those stairs up. If the walls could talk, they would tell you they witnessed some extreme passion.
Basketball and I met up regularly in our new spot, but before you say all we did was get it on at work, that's not all that would happen. We would talk, vent, and just be there for each other. It sucks so bad because of course he would talk to me about his wife and their relationship. The ups and the downs, everything. I would just listen; I didn't do the whole "do the things she won't do, so you'll want to be with me more" thing. I just gave the best advice I could. I seriously would try to keep my distance from him emotionally and sexually but when I looked at him all I could do was think about what I would do to him once I got him alone.

One day we are sitting down just looking out the window, not really saying much, just enjoying each others company when he just up and says "my wife is pregnant". I feel like I've been kicked in the face with a steel toe boot! I just say okay and we sit in silence until we have to get back to work. The stairwell sessions were still going on up until last week, he told me that, that time would be the last......

We did our thing and went our separate ways.......
The End

NOT!!!!! Just yesterday he asked me was I sure I wanted to be done with the sessions and I am am shamed to say I told him I didn't want them to end.

I know I have to finish telling ya'll about the Old Man, but I need to cool down from reminiscing on my "sessions" with Basketball. Wooooooo-Saaaaaaa!!!!!!

April 9, 2012

I Just Don't Understand..... CONTINUED

Sooooo I left off with Basketball's intro. Now it's time to get into the nitty gritty....

Basketball pursued me for about 3mos before I gave him any play. I would see him damn near everyday at work, and everyday he was always trying to get my number.I finally gave in after he literally chased me down the hall(I will admit, I liked playing the cat and mouse game with him....it made me feel.....SEXY!). But anyway, I finally gave him my number and HE NEVER CALLED!!!! <I was so pissed> So as you can imagine I was definitely saying "...wait till I see his ass!!!!" , but the day that I saw him, he had that "I need to talk to you" look. 

Me: so what happened to you calling???

Him: I got something to....explain to you

Me: whatever it is don't sugar-coat it

Him:i'm married....but before you get too upset, just know that we are in the middle of trying to figure out if we are going to stay married. You see, we got married really young and I've cheated on her alot in the past. I've been trying to do right by her and I'm just feeling like she's not who I want to be with.

Me: why did you pursue me if you are trying to do right??? You getting my # isn't considered "doing right" ya know?

Him: I know, but I just couldn't let you pass me by...

I'll be honest I did fall for that last line. Also, I was more attracted to him at this point for some reason. While we were talking, all I could think about was sex. 

Some time passes, we get to know more about each other and we are very flirtatious at work.
 (You know, I failed to mention that me, Old Man, and Basketball all work together,, my bad.) 

One day he asks me to come to this party that was gonna take place later on that week. To him I decline, in my head I'm already picking out my outfit. 
The night of the party I'm scoping out the scene with a few of my friends and I see his homeboy...homeboy IMMEDIATELY strikes out to go find Basketball. Next thing I know , I feel someones hands go around my waist and a soft kiss on my neck. I turn around to see Basketball looking sexy as ever....I mean I could've literally fucked him right then and there. He was looking just that good. 

We stayed with each other pretty much all night, kissing(in front of everyone, he made me feel like I was the only girl at that party) hugging, holding hands, kissing and kissing(yeah we did alot of kissing). At about 3am I was ready to head out; he walks me outside and then asks me to come to his car to talk<yeah right>. As soon as we get in the car we get into EXTREME make-out mode and the juices are flowing. He starts playing with the kitty and she's excited. He then motions for some head and because I know I'm gonna get mine next, I oblige. 

I made sure he got the best blowjob known to man. I was pulling out all the stops and I know he was enjoying. 
I finish up doing my thing and we go back into make-out mode and then...................he STOPS!!!!!! Ugh!!!!! What the fuck!!!!!!! I'm like why did you stop and he looks me dead in my eyes and says "It's not fair to her", meaning his wife. I couldn't say anything I was just stuck.
We sat there for a few minutes in silence, then I quietly put my panties back on, fixed the top of my dress, got out of the car and proceeded to walk down the street to my own car.

***Gotta get back to work,, I'll try to finish this up tomorrow

I Seriously Think...

I seriously think that my mom doesn't like me. I can never do anything right to her....especially when it comes to my daughter. Everything I do has something wrong. I try my best to do things to her standard and I end up just hearing about how much my attempt was an epic fail from her.

I know I shouldn't do things to make her happy, but it just makes my life a little easier when I don't hear her critiques in the background. 

Honestly though, when it comes to my daughter I think she tries to make up for the things she lacked when me and my sister were little. It's almost like she's trying to be a better mother thru my daughter or something. It's either that or she's just trying to show that she's a better mother than me (If she was, in my opinion, me and my sister wouldn't be as messed up as we are). You see, my mom is very stone-faced, shows no emotion AT ALL!!! At the age of 24 I've only seen my mother cry twice. The first time was when I was like 11 and she was starting the early phases of menopause. The second time was when I was 21 and she had just gotten her boobs done, she was hopped up on pain meds and decided to try and go make some toast and fell in the kitchen. My dad and sister yelled at her and she started crying.... Those are the only times my mom has ever shown any real emotion. 

She never really showed affection to me and my sister as kids, little hugs and kisses here and there. You know, Full House type stuff. We never got any of that. It's almost like she really didn't like us. Then one day all of a sudden my sister was all the rage and I was just some kid that she fed one day and I just kept coming back. This moment of "I love my oldest child" came around the time my sister was in the 5th grade and I was in the 3rd. At first, I didn't pay things much attention and then it got to the point that I didn't even want to go home(yes, I felt like this in the 3rd grade) because I was gonna get yelled at, whooped, or placed on punishment for something. That feeling of not wanting to go home didn't ease up, so I started getting involved in extra-curricular<-I think I spelled that right :-/...activites. Baton, cheerleading. Hell, even the 4-H club. I was desperate!!!!!

As I got older the resentment in my mom didn't subside. In fact, I think it got worse. I tried so hard to make her proud of me doubling up on classes, trying to be a stand-out in everything I did, whether it was at school or at home, I put forth my very best. Things didn't really turn around until I moved out. That's when me and my mom started to build a relationship. 

When I was out on my own things were really good and for once my sister was the "red-headed stepchild". We would go shopping together, go out to lunch, we would just hang out and enjoy each other's company. 
Unfortunately, this moment of euphoria didn't last long. It was only a matter of time before I fucked up again. 
That time was when my boyfriend was killed and I had to drop 2 nuclear bombs on her.... 
Me: hey ma, how was your day
Her: it was good, how was yours?
Me: not, good.....
Her: oh
Me: My boyfriend was killed today and........I'm pregnant....

For the rest of that week it was nothing but silence. On the day of my boyfriends funeral the only thing I was asked by her, with my dad and sister standing close by, was "Are you sure you want to go thru with your pregnancy? You still have time....."

From that day on our relationship has been on a downward spiral while her relationship with my sister is damn near in space. 

I can't write about this anymore....it's making me more depressed. Maybe  another day I can finish getting these particular feelings out.....

April 7, 2012

He's Back!!!! For Now Anyway...

Sexy Mexi has shown back up in my life and I don't know what to make of it. He texts me more and he's even calling more.... He tells me that he misses me and that he thinks about me all the time. I know those words can be one of two things: 1).Game 2). The Truth. I just don't to try and figure out which.

One part of me is like don't fall for it, because he's only gonna get you riled up and then disappear on you again. But, the other part of me is like he likes you, if he didn't why would he still be in touch with you?? I'm so confused when it comes to him. I could really see myself with him(not just because he's fine as hell, or the sex is on point) because we do have a lot in common and we compliment each other.

My confusion also stems from the last time we were together. I told him tell me what his intentions were when it came to me because I didn't want to guess when it came to him. I flat out asked him if he was looking for a friend, a cut-buddy, or a potential relationship... his response was he would like to see where things could go between us. So why is he so off and on when it comes to me. 

My sister says I'm going to sabotage things with him because I too blunt and forward with him, and The Bestie says that being upfront is right because there are no lingering questions when it comes to what's going on between us. 

I don't know......

I want to handle him the best way possible, "cause I'm tired of being by myself. I just don't want to be the "chaser" in this situation. 

April 5, 2012


I'm starting to get tired of people too quick. I am training at work and this girl is working my nerves, and she's only been with me a week. My tolerance for people is extremely low now. I don't know if it's because I have a child or if it is because I am getting older. But whatever it is, my attitude is always on "funk" status cause I just don't feel like being bothered with people after a certain point. Or maybe it could just be my trainee..... She bothers me about stupid stuff like "Girl, you know Rihanna and Chris (like she knows them) back together right?" I'm looking at her like, really?!?!?!? This is what you disturbed me about??? Then everytime I try to tell her how to do the something her response is always "gotcha". Only turn around and do the exact thing I tried to tell her how to do wrong. 

 You know I think I'm gonna name her "Gotcha" cause it seems like that's all she seems to say. If she last long I'm sure there will be other posts about her. 

She reminds me alot of this girl I called 26's, but 26's didn't last long. This chick got fired on her off day! That says alot about what she was wasn't doing... How do you get fired on your off day???? But anyway, hopefully "Gotcha" will straighten up and stop interrupting me and other people over dumb stuff.

Oh wait! 

She just pointed that Christina Aguilera has gained weight!!! Oh Lawwd!!! My nerves!!!!! Then in between keeping updated on useless pop-culture info she tries to sing along with my Pandora and can't carry a tune, not even in a bucket! Somebody help me!!!! I don't think I can take much more!!!!!

April 4, 2012

I just don't understand...

Men, boys, or whatever you want to call them are sooooo complicated. I know it's not meant for a women to understand them and how they work. But, dammit I sure wanna know. The guys that I tend to meet are either very cryptic, married or just plain 'ol thirsty!

 There was one guy I STILL can't believe I let myself go out with... he tried to get a little too fresh on our "date" (and this was before we even got a chance to look at the menu!). When we did get a to look at the menu, he opens my menu up to the 2 for $20 selection and says "what do you want?". But, sad part of this date was when the bill came he had to "call the bank" before he could pay. So needless to say I ended up paying for the date and he still tried to get some after all that, talking 'bout "you wanna go back to my place and watch a movie?" Ummm Hell Naw!!!! The nerve of him!.... Ugh!!!

But anyway I don't want to reflect any further on that past incident. Now let's move on to the cryptic and then the married....

Ok so back in January a friend of mine introduced me to a SUPER fine dude that I'll call the Sexy Mexi (because he's half black and mexican). But, anyway, we hit it off the night we met and kept in contact regularly. After about a month of texting and few calls I'm thinking things are going well, we are even making plans to see each other again. But, here's the issue, every time we make plans to get together he always bails out on me...even when he set the date and time. On top of that he will just go missing on me for days at a time. I know he's not obligated to me or anything but how do we go from talking EVERYDAY to an abrupt stop!?!?!? He says he's feeling me but him just going on hiatus without warning is telling me otherwise. I still like him and I would like to see where things could go, but I'm starting question whether or not he's worth the trouble.....what do ya'll think??

Now, on to the married.....
I have 2 married guys that I just can't seem to shake. There's the Old Man and Basketball. The Old Man I for sure don't want,, Basketball, on the other hand, I can see myself with him. In fact, I kinda wish I could be with him :/. I think we would have a good relationship,, even though The Bestie (more on her later) hates...yes HATES him.

 Now, the Old Man came first. I was just getting back to work from maternity leave and he was what I needed in terms of telling me what I wanted to hear in order to mask my grieving and my depression. He's not really attractive but he would do.  He would always validate me even if was a physical validation, you know talking about my thighs, butt, and other various parts. he would tell me how he would fantasize about me and the things he would do if I ever gave him the chance. Eventually things did get to a physical point, but I was so numb from the loss of my boyfriend that I didn't notice that he was catching feelings for me. 
So one day I have a moment of clarity and I tell him that what we were doing was wrong and it had to stop at that very moment. I thought he was taking it well until he said.... "I can't,, I Love You, no I take that back I'm IN love with you". In my head I'm screaming HOW DO YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR JUMPOFF!!!! (cause that's basically what I was to him), but I couldn't say anything out loud; I was just standing there looking like a pop-eyed duck. When he gets no response he goes off on me about not accepting his declaration of love and I'm dead to him, don't speak....don't even look his way! That's when I thought it was really over for us because he was so pissed. Well I was WRONG!!!!

I move on and start doing my own thing and I am ok with being by myself and had become content with self validation instead of looking for a man to do it. That state of mind changed when I met Basketball........

To Be Continued..........