August 13, 2015
Okay so I've been talking to Selfish for almost 2 years now and we are still in the same spot. Every time I try to talk about our situation he either 1) blows it off. 2) talks about it briefly and then it goes on unresolved until I bring it up again.
I tell him all the time "if you don't see any potential in us or you don't see a future with me, let's cut this shit off now!". I also told him that if he doesn't have any real feelings for me then say so,, we are both grown so there is no need to sugar coat anything. But as men go he would never really open up. All he could say is "What's wrong with the way we are?". My response was "WE AREN'T ANYTHING,, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!!!". I mean in retrospect we are still single because there is no real definition to us and our interaction unless you call us "friends with relationship-like benefits" and I ain't really trying to hear that shit.
He said he loves me,, but he doesn't show it..... that's another thing that pisses me off when it comes to him. he doesn't show me anything,, except his dick when he wants sex,, but other than that I get nothing. If I say something about his lack of expression he still won't say anything. The only time he does is during sex and I definitely don't believe him then.
I really don't know what to do when it comes to him. I get so stressed out sometimes dealing with him and his shit. He wants me to listen when he talks about the things going on with his baby-mommas ( he has 2) but when I offer advice he's ready to go off..... Now when he tries to talk about either one and I change the subject he gets mad! I'm like dude you must really not care about how this stuff affects me.... especially when it comes to his youngest son,, that was the one you waited till he was about to be born before you even said anything about him! Ugh!!!!! That whole situation can still bring tears out of me. I thought by now I would've toughened up to the whole situation, but it still hurts. I'll admit I did find her on social media... ya know just to see what I was up against and in my honest opinion I think she's prettier than me. But that's neither here nor there cause I really had to sit myself down and say "This IS NOT a competition! Even if it was.... is HE what you honestly would consider a PRIZE???????". After that come to Jesus with myself I chilled out and now I just exist. I love him but this is really not what I want for another 2years.
He'll be close by in a week or so for the baby's birthday. I haven't really made mention of us seeing each other while he's close. I think it may be best if we don't see each other. but at the same time I do want to see him. He's brought up coming to my city but I don't entertain it. I guess I'll just wait and see if he puts forth the effort and maybe then I'll attempt to resolve this "what are we?" situation. I dunno....... we shall see.