Drunken Rapist

The above is basically what I turned into with one of my co-workers. We went to a social event and then decided to go out to a bar afterwards.
By the time we had got to the bar I was already drunk (I had had about 8-10) glasses of wine, then turned around and started drinking at the bar.

Well apparently after the group we originally came with left; it was just me and him. The drinks were still flowing so by this time it was all alcohol present while the REAL me was in a corner sleep somewhere. As we talked the only thing that was on my mind was oral sex......and he be the receiver of it!

I propositioned and molested him several times before he gave in.
We leave the bar and then it begins...... I'm going at it. Hearing his heavy breathing and moans of pleasure really did something to me. I wasn't attracted to him in any way but for some reason I just wanted to be FUCKED!!! (sorry about the language,, but it's the truth).
The more I pleased him,, the more I wanted it..... Next thing you know we're kissing and in between feeling him up and trying to slow things down I keep whispering "fuck me,, please fuck me". *****I honestly don't know what had gotten into me (well.....yes I do.) But I've never been like that.... I kept kissing,, rubbing, licking ...... I just couldn't stay off of him!!!!

I give him mad props though,, because even though my advances were strong,, his willpower was stronger. He kept telling me " we can't cross that line"  and I would just suck him faster. He would say "you wanna do this for the wrong reasons,, you're just mad at Selfish" and I would kiss him harder. Then he said "I don't have any condoms" and my response was " don't worry,, I'll swallow it". !!!!!!!

******Hangs head in shame*********

Like,, I don't know what this means...... Am I desperate???? Was I really THAT mad at Selfish???? ( I gotta fill you in on him some more) Have I lost my luster when it comes to seduction???????? What is wrong with me????

That's not even the worst part..... he finally gets me off of him  long enough to get out and try to get me out of the passenger side of his car..... in protest I take off my panties and assume the position for him give it up. But,, he keeps saying " we can't cross that line" . So what do I do?????? I TAKE IT!!!!!! He Let's me get some then he pulls away and says "this is wrong B!". He gets me out of his car and into mine,, but before he could get his car in gear I was back!!! I threw my panties onto the passenger seat,, jumped back in my car and proceeded to follow him back to his place.
However in  the midst of  my drunken stupor I got his car confused with another and ended up at a gas station on the other side of town. Thankfully I was familiar with that side of town (I lived there with Decent for a few months) I went inside got some chicken wings and sobered myself up enough to get home in one piece.


I'm so ashamed!!!!!

 I played it off cool at work. We talked about it for a hot second and then we carried on like we usually do. But I did tell him I wouldn't drink around him anymore...... can't let the drunken rapist resurface again.

Emotional Wreck!

Where do I start????? Where do I begin?????? I'm just so freaking hurt and confused I don't know what to do. How is it that I love and care about someone so much and they hurt me so bad and yet we keep coming back for more?????

Then on the other hand there's another guy who is very sweet and IN LOVE with me,, but there is nothing there when it comes to him. I mean I like him and I enjoy our conversation and not too mention he feeds me (I know.....shallow,, right?!?!?) but other than that there's nothing........ NOTHING!!!!!!

I try my best to open my mind and find some type of attraction but I just can't. Physically there is none and as far surpassing the friend zone there is no attraction there either. The only good thing about it is he knows that I only want friendship,, but yet he pushes for something more. He even told his mother he was going to marry me!!!!!! That's laying it on waaaaay too thick being that the most he's ever got from me is a hug,, I mean I don't even let him in the house when he comes by to see me.....he gets straight porch action!!!!! Ugh!!!!

I think my frustration runs so deep because I want to take his sweetness and kindness and put it all into the selfish asshole that I love. (hmmmmm "Selfish" is a good name for him too,, and I think I'll call the other guy ,,, ummmm "Nice"). If I could just get Selfish to be somewhat close to Nice is I wouldn't cry so much!!!!

I'm happy but yet unhappy its ridiculous!!!! Thinking back to when Decent was alive I had my downward moments,, you know the times when he took me for granted. But at some point he always had a moment of clarity and made things right and really put forth the effort to make changes for the better. My God! I miss decent so much! I think that's one of the reasons I cry too; if Decent never got killed then I probably would have never crossed paths with Selfish and Nice would have stayed on the side line. I just miss him so much and I think of him all the time. I just want him here with me and our daughter..... I just want my life to make sense again.... I want my heart to stop hurting.... I want the hurt from selfish to stop and just go away. I want the love that I had!!!!

I'm so broken!!!! I honestly don't think I can be put back together. I just want to just disappear and be okay.