Where do I start????? Where do I begin?????? I'm just so freaking hurt and confused I don't know what to do. How is it that I love and care about someone so much and they hurt me so bad and yet we keep coming back for more?????
Then on the other hand there's another guy who is very sweet and IN LOVE with me,, but there is nothing there when it comes to him. I mean I like him and I enjoy our conversation and not too mention he feeds me (I know.....shallow,, right?!?!?) but other than that there's nothing........ NOTHING!!!!!!
I try my best to open my mind and find some type of attraction but I just can't. Physically there is none and as far surpassing the friend zone there is no attraction there either. The only good thing about it is he knows that I only want friendship,, but yet he pushes for something more. He even told his mother he was going to marry me!!!!!! That's laying it on waaaaay too thick being that the most he's ever got from me is a hug,, I mean I don't even let him in the house when he comes by to see me.....he gets straight porch action!!!!! Ugh!!!!
I think my frustration runs so deep because I want to take his sweetness and kindness and put it all into the selfish asshole that I love. (hmmmmm "Selfish" is a good name for him too,, and I think I'll call the other guy ,,, ummmm "Nice"). If I could just get Selfish to be somewhat close to Nice is I wouldn't cry so much!!!!
I'm happy but yet unhappy its ridiculous!!!! Thinking back to when Decent was alive I had my downward moments,, you know the times when he took me for granted. But at some point he always had a moment of clarity and made things right and really put forth the effort to make changes for the better. My God! I miss decent so much! I think that's one of the reasons I cry too; if Decent never got killed then I probably would have never crossed paths with Selfish and Nice would have stayed on the side line. I just miss him so much and I think of him all the time. I just want him here with me and our daughter..... I just want my life to make sense again.... I want my heart to stop hurting.... I want the hurt from selfish to stop and just go away. I want the love that I had!!!!
I'm so broken!!!! I honestly don't think I can be put back together. I just want to just disappear and be okay.