July 20, 2016

Men, miscarriages, and suicide......

Boy oh boy, where has the time gone??????

I can't seem to stay on track. I don't even know where I left off....
I've had so much going on I really don't know where to start. Ugh, my life has literally been all over the place, and I don't have any normalcy going on right now and I really just want things to stop so I can take a deep breathe.

I guess I'll start with work:

Well not sure I said anything but I changed jobs a few months back and so far I like it. the only thing is I've gained weight, because now I have a desk job, verses me having on that had me moving from the time I clocked in to the time I clocked out. The job like I said is cool, but my co-workers are another story.
I get along with everyone for the most part but I'll try to break some them down with a quick summary:

Fertile: my lunch partner, she's young, naïve, un-cultured, ghetto and.... you guessed it FERTILE!!!! she's super young has a pre-k, 6mo old, and you guessed it she's preggo again. this chick has never been anywhere for real and only eats chicken fingers, so there ya go.

Thirsty: well...... she's THIRSTY. She's the single chick that doesn't have a man, and will sleep with anything that has a penis and makes eye contact with her. She carries the philosophy of "date a man with money, a nice car, his own place that's equally as nice, and depend on him for all your wants and needs". As you can see that philosophy isn't working out so well for her.

Meerkat: This is the nosiest person in the whole place!!!!! Get this it's a MAN!!! I call him meerkat because every time he hears someone talking his head pops up over his computer like a meerkat popping out of his borough. He's hella rude and annoying and just makes my ass itch.

There are a few others but these are the star players in the game of "get on my nerves".

Welp selfish and I are still talking. Things between us had gotten really good at one point. He even came and met my family!!!! Things were so good, we were even not just talking, but planning on getting MARRIED!!!!! We went to look at rings and all. But, that ship sailed when he found out I was still talking to a friend (who honestly was and still is attracted to me, but I just ignored it) that he had asked me to cut off communication with. So not only did we break up, we broke up 2 weeks before I was supposed to fly out and meet his family!!!! Long story short , I ended up still going.... we had great sex..... met some of his friends.... and eventually met his mother (for like 10min). We got back together but things have been pretty shitty since then. We don't talk, we barely text; I feel like he's cheating on me again... *** oooooh I forgot to mention, I hacked into his social media accounts and found out he was cheating on me and still kicking it with one his baby mommas***
I'll be honest tho, I kinda don't like it when he has control over communication ( i.e. me always having to call or initiate texts) I miss having that control and dictating how things went. This shit really sucks because I love this guy like for real love him and honestly I do want to marry him. We've been through so much and I know that isn't a reason to stay together, but this man really has my heart.

Selfish and I have worked thru a lot of things one of the hardest was a miscarriage I had before shortly after Thanksgiving. This makes the second one I've had. **btw, I finally ended up telling him about the first one**This baby I told him about immediately simply because I didn't want any secrets, but unfortunately, I lost this one.
I was a wreck, I cried, I lost sleep, couldn't eat.... While Selfish never really wanted to talk about it. he always brushed it off, I guess hoping the topic will eventually go away and get lost in all the other things we never really talked about; he never tried to get any closer. To this day I still don't know how he feels or even if cares. All I know is it still bothers me and still have so many "why's? and "what ifs?". Not saying I want to be like Fertile popping kids out left and right, I just wish that I still had a chance with that baby. You know, Selfish once said he thought I was jealous of his 2 other baby mommas...... who knows maybe deep down he was right. Maybe I'm jealous that they're kids are here and mine isn't,, maybe I'm jealous I couldn't give my daughter the little sister or brother she's always asking for....... Maybe.

Suicide: well I contemplated death. I attempted suicide.

Don't worry, I got help and now I'm working thru things one issue at a time.
I just got so consumed with sadness, emptiness, and loneliness..... I just wanted out! One thing about suicide, some people say it's selfish, but in my case I felt like things would be better. my daughter would be financially taken care of, my parents would no longer have anything to judge a criticize me about, my sister would be the only child (that's how my parents treat her) and would not have to worry about me resenting her or be jealous because she lives better and my parents treat her better than me.
I've got a long road ahead of me, but I just take each day one at a time and work thru each and every single issue..... I guess that's part of the reason I came back here. I had a place to talk about things and really air out my feelings without any judgement or restraint.

I'll be back soon, gotta get enrolled back in school, that will help me fill some voids while I work on other things and keep me tied up so I won't worry about Selfish and what he's doing. But, most importantly help me get a better life for myself and my little one.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you are doing better. I know you think your family would be better off without you but they won't. Your daughter still needs you and no amount of money can replace a mother's love and presence.