Bullshit in a Bag!

My life has seriously taken a turn for the worst it seems.... I've been called to my bosses office TWICE in the same week over some hear say shit. Everything  starts off the same "we received information that you......." and then they proceed on with the accusations. Now let me just say if these accusations were justified; if I didn't tell anyone I would tell you guys, but the thing is they're not!! Somebody is definitely putting in extra work to make me look bad.

I hate to say the 2nd time I was called into the office I let my anger and emotions get the better of me and I cried. I cried right there in front of my boss and her little rat-faced side kick. I cried. I couldn't help but let some of my emotions pour. Through hot tears streaming down my face I told them that  "....in all the years that I have been working in that department I have NEVER had any problems I have always gone by the book and all of a sudden I'm the problem child?!?!?!?!?!? I really feel like I'm am being picked on!!!!! " 

To some, what I said may have sounded elementary, but honestly that's exactly how I felt. Then the thing that pissed me off the most is the fact that they were just sitting looking like I had just stripped naked and spoke in Japanese! It got to the point we were sitting there so long I just is that it????  Can I go????? Then, I proceeded to run down the hall to nearest bathroom so that I can let the rest of the tears, I fought so hard to keep at bay, flow.  I don't know what is going on, I know who the ones are that's feeding the so-called information to my boss. My only question is.........WHY?

Cold shoulder

Soooooooooo Old Man calls himself mad at me. For what? I'm not quite sure. Do I care? I almost did, then I thought about how much he gets on my nerves when he does talk to me..... and I came to the conclusion that I don't care.

 I worked in his area the other day and he was on mute everytime he saw me, if he did say anything to me it was always mumbled or damn near whispered.

Today he was like "I know you not just gone come thru my area and not open your mouth and speak!" I retorted "I know I am gonna do just that." and proceeded to walk on to my destination. I don't know why he thinks I'm gonna run up behind him. I let that shit go in highschool.....

 Anywho, let me get my shit together......I have class tonight.

You're really sweet...but I'm not attracted to you....

^^^^^ The above is how I feel about this guy that I work on the same floor with. He's really nice and sweet and he's been chasing me for 6 years,, I finally gave in and gave him my number,, but I'm just not  all that attracted to him.... 

One thing I don't like is the fact that as SOON as he got my number,, in his book it was ok for him to start hugging and touching and trying to hold my hand and shit. I don't like that!!!! I also hate the fact that Kinkos is trying to get all up in it. She doesn't hide the fact that she likes him... all she can talk about is how fine he is (to her), how nice his car is, and how big his dick is (she claims he didn't lock the bathroom door one day and she walked in while he was pissing). Hmpf!
*I need to give him a blog birth certificate.....I shall name him.......Rush*
Don't get me wrong he's a good guy and stuff like that. I just don't care for the approach. Then I also don't like how he's not even trying to date me,, it's like he want to try to jump straight into a relationship... I'm trying to step outside my box and not just go for the physically attractive dog that will never do right, and try to get to know Rush inspite of the non-existant physical attraction. I'm hoping that I can begin with eventually becoming attracted to what's on the inside and hopefully the internal attraction will have an affect on my eyes.  I mean I'm flattered that after all this time, even with the changes I went thru physically (getting preggo and all), he still finds me just as attractive as a size 12, ok I'm lying.....size 14, as he did when I was a size 4. He even talks about how he thought I was extremely gorgeous when I was pregnant...

I'm REALLY gonna try to give Rush a chance, because in some ways I think he could be good for me. But I will admit that I am scared because, what if I don't ever become attracted to him and he's damn near in love,, then what????? Do I hurt him??? Do I say " I tried to convince myself to be attracted to you and it didn't work....sorry" is that what you say to someone who would probably lick a car tire if you asked him to??? I don't know...

I think things would also be easier if Rush didn't work in the same building as me, Basketball<- whose wife had her baby a few weeks ago,, luckily I haven'y seen him,, I think he's still out on paternity leave. But anyway, where was I ????? Oh yeah Rush works in the same building as Basketball AND............wait for it...................... OLD MAN!!!!!! Basketball really isn't an issue,, the issue would mostly be Old Man trying to possibly sabotage things or just plain ol' getting in the way with this I love You, or the way he says it "I Luh You", shit. I know he shouldn't be a factor in anything as dar as my life goes, but I like to cover the possiblities when it comes to people. I prefer to not be surprised by the idiocracy that I am surrounded by. Also, I don't want Kinkos hatin' ass in my business too. I think I said this or something along those lines already, but anywho.... I really don't want her two cents on anything, and I know because she knows both of us she will be all up in it trying to shell out advice or hate....

Ugh!!! I don't know what I want to do about this whole situation. I really want to try to get to know Rush and give him a chance, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings because I'm not drawn to him like he is to me and then we have to walk around work with that lingering awkwardness and possible anger.

More Death....

My grandad ( on my mother's side) died today....

I am NOT You!!!!!

I am really starting to HATE my mother!!!! I know hate is a strong word,, but right about now.....that's how I feel. She is constantly telling me how to raise my daughter and how to interact with her by comparing how she raised and interacted with me and my sister. Now let me just say in my opinion,, considering how fucked up me and my sister are, I don't think I want to do the things that she did. Also, she always expects me to do things to HER liking when it comes to my daughter. From the way I style her hair (which is never ghetto i.e. alot of bows and barrettes,, you know shit like that) to the way that I chose to dress her. 

Oh and don't let me be tired,, I always hear the same shit.... "I was tired to with ya'll,, but I still got done what I needed to get done".... Ummm hello!!!!!! I AM NOT YOU!!!!!!!! Our circumstances are totally different!!! When I was little,, my sister was a little more independent (we are 2yrs apart) so you didn't have to do much when it came to her,, not to mention you have a husband, someone who is legally obligated to us,, when you were sick of us you could punt us off to him.....which she did do,, I remember spending waaaaaay more time with my dad than with her.  

I am so at the end of my rope with her and this bullshit!!!! She is gonna have it to where when I get a little more stable financially I won't ever come home,, and when I finish school,, I'm getting the hell away from her!!! She always finds a way to irritate the fuck out of me and I am just plain 'ol sick of it. And when I do move I dare her to try and take my daughter away!!!!!

*let me explain how she has the power to do that:

When I was pregnant with my daughter I realized that once she was born I would hardly bring home any money once I added her to my insurance so my parents suggested that I do temporary legal guardianship so that she could be on my dad's insurance with full coverage. They, my parents, reassured me that they would not take over and that I would still make whatever decisions I needed to make in regards to her health and well-being. Now pre-birth this sounded really good. I honestly believed what they said.... I know,, that was dumb on my part. Now they are using what they claim they were doing to help me,, against me.... Since they are her legal guardians they can call the police on me if I tried to take her anywhere and they said no. I may be her biological mother,, but LEGALLY my mom is..... 

There are parts of me that say just leave and if she says you can't take the baby,, still leave anyway,, then there's the sensible part of me that knows I would never abandon my daughter just to prove a point,,,,or abandon her period.

I want to get away from my mother and live happily.....