Snapped!

I know I have been gone for a minute and so much has happened to me and my unfortunate pathetic little life.  I will say this though I've had alot (good and bad) going on... But any way let's get you guys caught up...........



SOOOOOOOOO the tension between me and my sister has finally boiled over,, and it resulted in not just a very heated argument, but an actual ghetto rachet fist fight........ and it all went down in front of my 2yr old!( well now she's 3, damn I let too much time pass, sorry y'all)
 The day started off regular, even good (dare I say) but as the day progressed and my sister and I grew tired of each others presence the attitudes began to wake from their slumber and slowly but surely make their way to the surface.  She came to the house with her little boyfriend which I will call Slave (cause that's how she treats him,, like a fuckin slave. But anyway....) We are all just chumming it up and talking my daughter is having the time of her little life cause all is hunky doory in the land of Oz. But then my sister began to make little snide comments on the sly about me and my short-comings.

*let me give you alittle background on me.. you see, I do not possess a good cleaning gene. Don't get me wrong I can clean up and keep things clean, but I don't have a little maid in me that has to clean ALL the time. Now my sister on the other hand she is a Molly Maid to the core, she will clean all day long and not see any problem with it.*

So she starts talking about how I don't clean like she does and that's the reason why I'm single and can't go out like I want to; and all this other bullshit. Now me being the person that I am, I'm really not giving her the reaction that she wants so she decides to just flat out dog me out.

My "sister" proceeds to basically call me a bad mother and says shit like "you don't have anybody" "you need me...I don't need you"....  Now deep down she's really hurting my feelings but I still don't say anything, which is bothering her even more. As I continue to just look at her as she dogs me out.... she jumps at me like she's gonna slap me or some shit. So I say "Oh! Since you're not getting to me, you gonna hit me?" That sends her off the edge and she reaches in and slaps me!!!!!!! I instantly BLACK OUT and just start throwing punches. I say we fought for a good 5 mins before my mom and Slave were able to pull us apart. But once I snap back into reality I hear my baby calling me.

I was so ashamed of myself and even more pissed at my sister because this all went down in front of my sweet baby girl. Once I calm myself down and try to get to my daughter I hear my sister say something along the lines of "I heard my knee cap crunch." Long story short with that she fractured her knee and ended up requiring surgery and getting 6 screws in her knee.

Now do I regret fighting like that with my sister???.......... Sorta. That fight between us was years of pent up tension that finally got released. I regret things happening in front of my baby though. I wish I could've shown more restraint for her sake.....

It happened....

It finally happened... Basketball and I finally did "it" and by "it" I mean we had sex....


For the most part it was ok, we couldn't really get down like we wanted to, but overall it was pretty good. Now was it worth the wait and all that flirting and sexual tension????? The jury is still out on that one. But I will give him credit.....he does give really good head.

To be honest I don't know what else o say about our encounter,, I mean I still love him and a part of me still wonders about what life would be like if we could actually be together, but now just add the fact that we had sex to the equation. I do think on his part he wants to have sex more often because he did say he wanted more, but I don't think I want to.....

I don't know what's gonna happen but we'll see....

Don't bring trouble to my door

I know I told you guys about the cutie I met at the bar the other night. Well that night I did unfortunately hook up with my neighbor (who's been lusting after me for years).... Anyway, let me just say that was truly a BAD idea!!!

So as I'm leaving the bar my phone goes off and it's..........Lame (cause he is rather lame). But anyway, he messages me thru facebook talking about how good I look and how he wants to sex it up,, well I had been drinking.....A LOT.....so I told him I was on my way home. When I pull up he's waiting for me, but before it could go down I had to piss like a race horse! But anyway, as I sat on the toilet and peed for what seemed like an eternity, I started to sober up or as my friends would say my conscience started to kick-in....

**side note** I can drink a lot but It doesn't matter how much I drink, when my conscience kicks in I automatically sober up. There have been times when I've had 20+ drinks and I walk out the club like all I had was water, because at some point my conscience is like "Aye bitch, you startin to get too loose...tighten that shit up" and I just snap out of it, I dunno what it is.... maybe I just have a moment of clarity BEFORE I do something regret??????? anywho, that's another post for another day......

But anyway, The flood gates are open and I'm thinking "why in THE HELL did I answer his message???? To be honest I really didn't even want to have sex,, let alone with him. But bless his heart, he was trying to be all sexy and seductive and it was just NOT working for him. Long story short he ended up just giving me head, cause I was half-way honest and told him that I really didn't want to have sex. I will give Lame some credit,, he does have major skills but not enough for me to want seconds that was a one night thing... So after he finishes his late night snack and we part ways he goes back to facebook trying to discuss it.... I brush it off and take my ass to bed.

The next morning,, AT THE CRACK!!!! *even before my daughter woke up* my phones text alert goes off! It's Lame talking about don't answer any messages from him on facebook because his account got hacked...... Awww shit!!! Now I have been living drama free for a while,, the hoopla had finally ceased after decent died <- That's another post in itself,, all the drama  I went thru about my baby after Decent died....But anyway, I get Facebook AND text messages from some busted ass chick talking about Lame is her man and I better leave him alone and I was just a one night stand. I wanted so badly to tell her "Bitch I don't want yo lame ass nigga, you can have him! Hell he was my one night stand and all he did was give me head!!!!!" But I didn't I just brushed it all off and simply replied with "ok". I guess that wasn't good enough cause the bitch came back in my inbox and my text messages saying she was gonna block me from his page and delete my number out his phone because we didn't need to have any type of contact.....In my head I'm like you stupid hoe!!!!! Your LAME ASS NIGGA lives across the street from me!!!!! Unless you move the great wall of China into my neighborhood and put it in between our houses the nigga is still gonna see me!!!!

Once again I brushed off her ignorance and simply said "ok", then another text came thru basically saying the same shit.. At what point in life do females stop the whole "check this bitch" mentality and start checkin these dudes and since when did female feel they have to check bitches over a lame ass dude????? I just don't get it....


**UPDATE**
I just recently just found out Lame is trying to be a pastor!!!! A fluckin PASTOR!!!!!! He's been preaching at his Daddy's church these past few months and is now trying to get ordained,, but just the other day I got a text from him saying he wants to.....eat the box again.....Ummmm NO I'll pass on that. If the Lord smites me, I'd rather it be over something else and not along the lines of doing the ungodly with a supposed Godly man. So I've really been ignoring him.

My daughter and I were invited to his nieces birthday party this weekend, so I wonder how this will go on many different levels.....cross your fingers that things go off without a hitch!

yes.....I'm sill alive

So much has been going on I've barely had time to breathe. I need some ventilation but while my fingers are typing one thing my brain has moved onto the next thing. It feels like if I don't take out some "me" time I am TOTALLY gonna have a mental breakdown. I just want something to go right for me just once. You know? I mean I know that I'm no saint but can I get some type of positive action my way? it seems like my life just sucks more and more. But any way, just letting those who care that I'm still alive and I haven't forgotten about blogging.

I have so many things I want to tell you in my drafts I don't even know where to start,, every time I start writing out one thing more shit happens. There's been shit going down with my sister, my parents, Basketball (yeah he's still around), my job, school, this creep that lives across the street from me, and the list goes on and on. I'm gonna get back on my game though because I really do need to vent.

Well I need to put this computer down and either study or take my ass to bed, more than likely I'm gonna sit up and watch "Zane's Jump Off" , flip thru the channels and then take my ass to bed.

He Loves Me

I know it has been a while since I informed you on my dull little life. work has really been kicking my azz and unfortunately I'm failing this semester in school *damn*. But anyway on to the point of this post....



So it's been about 6months since I got the boot from my old job, but guess who has still managed to stay in the picture??????? Basketball. He makes sure to call and check on me and he's even came to the house to see me a couple of times. Now what I'm about to say next is going to sound bad, but for me and him and our situation...it's good. Now the times that he has come to see me it has been the perfect opportunity for us to go ahead and get rid this sexual tension and just let loose, but we have chosen to keep it fairly innocent and just continue our extreme make out sessions with just a little more touching.

Also in these little meetings we've actually had some time to talk about the "us" that will never be and how we feel about each other. I will admit,, I DO love him, but I'm not IN LOVE with him. I love him because he loves me, he cares about me, and he actually LISTENS to me. He really is a good guy in many ways....just not in the way he should be to his wife.




I find myself wondering if he wasn't married would we ever be.....but that is a question that will never get answered..............

Dildo Shopping, How Hard Can It Be?

I know a while back, I talked about possibly getting me a little "friend" to help me get thru the......"dry spells" but I can't seem to find something that I think will get the job done. I've been looking, but I just don't know.

I don't want to get something cheap and be about as pissed I would be with a dude that can't get it up, and I don't want to spend a lot of money on something that I have to keep a constant stock of batteries because it taps out like an out of shape like a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck. I even thought about writing a few of these companies to see if I could be a product tester,, that way I am getting a thrill here and there,, they are getting reviews,, and last but not least.....I'm getting a thrill here and there.

Who knew THIS type of shopping would be so difficult???? But then again I could just be making this harder than what it is, (when I bought my new phone I spent 3hrs in the cell phone store before I actually made a purchase,, Bestie sat in the shoe store with me for 2hrs while I was trying to decide if I wanted to buy a pair of boots). As you can see it takes me FOREVER to do anything!!!!! You would think I would expedite this process since the dyck express hasn't ran in a while( I've been trying to distance myself from Rush...he's getting attached!), but I'm taking my time and getting more and more bitter by the minute, I'm especially bitter and abnormally pissed when I'm at work. (My new job SUCKS ASS!!!!! <- That right there is a whole other post,, I gotta tell y'all about the 'Ol hatin ass bytches I work with).

But anyway, I'll try my best to decide on something soon......

Love Isn't For Me It Seems....

Every time I meet a guy it just fizzles before it can even begin. It's like a continuous cycle or something. I meet a guy...think I'm going to see or hear from him again....and then **poof** he's gone like he never even existed!!!! The killing part about it all is that the guys approach me!!!!! It's not like I'm chasing them around with pick-up lines in tow to woo them in. I just don't get it?!!?!?!?!  For example,, I met a cutie the other night at a local bar. He approached me gave me his number and took me to my car afterwards,, he texted me to make sure I made it some safe and BOOM-he's gone!!! I haven't heard from him since,, and I know it's not something I said...'cause hell the only thing I did say was: yes I made it home, thanks for checking on me, talk to you later. Did I use too many commas or something????? What did I do to make him approach and then just walk away???? Maybe he has a girl or something.....I don't know, but if that's the case,, why even bother me????

I guess I feel this way because I am sooooo tired of being alone, and I know I know God will send the right one in due time, but can I least get a date Lord???? Dinner, a movie, something???? It seems like any guy that I meet, I feel that I can at least have a decent friendship with them, but they don't ever come back around. Could it be that because I have a child they think I want thim to be a daddy to her?? If that's the case that's totally wrong, but I feel like I shouldn't have to come with a disclaimer on my forehead saying: Even though her father is dead, she still has one..so no need to feel like she's gonna want to call you "daddy" any time soon...

Honestly I really don't like to have to tell guys my situation, I'd rather we leave it at "oh you have a daughter?" instead of "oh you have a daughter,, so is her dad in the picture?" I think that's the problem with a lot of guys these days; they feel like if a girl has a child and she is not with the father, then that girl is going to expect them to take up the slack for what the biological dad isn't doing. Now, I'm not saying there aren't females out there like that...because there are...I'm saying in particular that I'm not like that. The KILLING part about it all is the ones that are looking for a substitute father are the ones getting the dudes!!!! Now along with that statement I do know that some of these dudes are worse than the dad themselves, but still these bitches STILL pulling dudes.

I was told by Rush that maybe it's my demeanor, he says I tend to have a "what this nigga want? " look on my face when dudes talk to me. He says I look intimidating. I will tell ya'll just like I told him, "that's just how I look, I don't do it intetionally, that's just my normal facial expression, you know when I'm off to myself...they would think I was crazy if I walked around smiling for no reason!" I did take heed to what Rush was saying and made a conscious effort to try to "soften"  my look but then I felt like I was trying to hard to BE approachable.

I tell you what the way that things have been going for the past 2 going on 3yrs I am really starting to think that love and relationships aren't for me any more...it seems as if all of that died along with Decent.......
/
Anyway let me stop writing about this cause I'm about to get irritated and when I get irritated my head itches and that 's bad business when you have a 3month old sew-in.........

eh!

-my computer died, but my new one came last week,, still trying to get used to it....it's got that Windows 8 shit on it....

-I got to take a little weekend getaway and see New Guy I was surprised my folks kept my daughter, but I didn't hang around trying to find out why they had a change of heart; I got the hell on out while I could.

-Online Success dude is trying to come back, but I think it's because he wants sex and I just don't want to deal with him on that level anymore...

-Still sexing it up with Rush

-I got a job offer but the pay is shit... I had another interview with a different place,, I'm hoping they call me back with some good news,, if not I'll formally accept the other one. I just hate I will still be in a financial hole. But I do realize that LOW pay is better than NO pay.

-I met another guy at a local spot he seems pretty cool,, but I don't know....we'll see

- School is kicking my ass!!!!! Ugh!!!! :o(




******A real more in depth post is coming soon,, I just gotta get caught up on this school shit first....I won't be gone long.......I promise!!!!