March 24, 2015

I Had a Baby,, But He Never Knew.....

Shortly after I found out about the baby (see previous post) I found out that I would be having one of my own.....  In the normal fashion most women would call the "father -to -be" and let him know what the deal was. In my case,, I didn't.

I sat there looking at the test thinking "what am I gonna do? How am I gonna tell him I'M pregnant and he's already freaking out about this kid he just told me about?" "Will he disown me and the baby? " "Will he embrace us?". There were so many questions and fears running thru my head I didn't know where to start or what to do,, so I just kept it to myself.

It was so hard playing it off like nothing was going on. So many conversations went by without me uttering a word. I knew I needed to say something though because the time slot for selfishness aka the window of time to get an abortion, was quickly coming to an end. I'll admit I thought about just going to secretly have the abortion and just take that to the grave with me. I would drive out to the clinic and ask myself "are you really gonna do this?".... but I could never bring myself to actually go inside. Instead I called my doctor,, told her what was going on and she told me to come in the next day.

At the doctors office,, even though it was very pre-mature,, I got an ultrasound. I heard the baby's little heartbeat and just cried and cried and cried....... How could I be that selfish that I was going to take away from something so innocent and so precious??? How could I punish someone who didn't even ask to be here???????

How could I?????

My doctor,, knowing that I was a depressed emotional wreck told me to come in the next week to check on baby,, but little did we both know that by my next appointment there would be no heartbeat to hear.....

On the day of my appointment I woke up feeling alittle off, but really didn't pay it any attention. I get to my OB's office and my stomach starts to hurt,, you know the kinda stomach ache you get when you feel like you have to get to a bathroom ASAP?!?!? That's how I felt. I felt something running down my leg so I ask the receptionist if I could go on back so that I could use the restroom. She lets me thru and as soon as I get in the bathroom I lift up my dress only to see blood running down my leg. I press the help button and my nurse came immediately.

One look at me and she calls for my doctor. At this point people are starting to get nosey and start trying to walk past and see what was going on,, all I remember thinking is "don't cry". I guess I didn't want to scare the newly pregnant ladies or the ones who were about to pop. The last thing I remember was hearing my doctor say "It's gonna be okay....",, then everything went black.

I passed out right there in the bathroom. I don't know if it was from shock,, blood loss,, the heat from all those people in that tiny bathroom,, or all the above....I don't know. I do know that when I woke up my doctor was right there. She sat me up and told me that the baby was gone....that I had miscarried. I cried.

I think my tears were a mixture though. I cried tears of sadness that I had just lost a life I was carrying ,, but they were also tears of relief... I was relieved I didn't have to stress or worry about whether or not I would be a single parent a second time around. I didn't have to tell him anything now... it would be a no harm,, no foul type of situation.

I carried on for months like nothing had ever happened. He knew something was wrong though because I wasn't really myself. My hormones were still off balance,, I guess it was from the stress of pretending like nothing happened. But I knew at some point I was gonna have to tell him........and honestly I wasn't ready.

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