What's Wrong With The Way We Are?

Okay so I've been talking to Selfish for almost 2 years now and we are still in the same spot. Every time I try to talk about our situation he either 1) blows it off. 2) talks about it briefly and then it goes on unresolved until I bring it up again.

I tell him all the time "if you don't see any potential in us or you don't see a future with me, let's cut this shit off now!". I also told him that if he doesn't have any real feelings for me then say so,, we are both grown so there is no need to sugar coat anything. But as men go he would never really open up. All he could say is "What's wrong with the way we are?". My response was "WE AREN'T ANYTHING,, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!!!". I mean in retrospect we are still single because there is no real definition to us and our interaction unless you call us "friends with relationship-like benefits" and I ain't really trying to hear that shit.

He said he loves me,, but he doesn't show it..... that's another thing that pisses me off when it comes to him. he doesn't show me anything,, except his dick when he wants sex,, but other than that I get nothing. If I say something about his lack of expression he still won't say anything. The only time he does is during sex and I definitely don't believe him then.

I really don't know what to do when it comes to him. I get so stressed out sometimes dealing with him and his shit. He wants me to listen when he talks about the things going on with his baby-mommas ( he has 2) but when I offer advice he's ready to go off..... Now when he tries to talk about either one and I change the subject he gets mad! I'm like dude you must really not care about how this stuff affects me.... especially when it comes to his youngest son,, that was the one you waited till he was about to be born before you even said anything about him! Ugh!!!!! That whole situation can still bring tears out of me. I thought by now I would've toughened up to the whole situation, but it still hurts. I'll admit I did find her on social media... ya know just to see what I was up against and in my honest opinion I think she's prettier than me. But that's neither here nor there cause I really had to sit myself down and say "This IS NOT a competition! Even if it was.... is HE what you honestly would consider a PRIZE???????". After that come to Jesus with myself I chilled out and now I just exist. I love him but this is really not what I want for another 2years.

He'll be close by in a week or so for the baby's birthday. I haven't really made mention of us seeing each other while he's close.  I think it may be best if we don't see each other. but at the same time I do want to see him. He's brought up coming to my city but I don't entertain it. I guess I'll just wait and see if he puts forth the effort and maybe then I'll attempt to resolve this "what are we?" situation. I dunno....... we shall see.

Drunken Rapist

The above is basically what I turned into with one of my co-workers. We went to a social event and then decided to go out to a bar afterwards.
By the time we had got to the bar I was already drunk (I had had about 8-10) glasses of wine, then turned around and started drinking at the bar.

Well apparently after the group we originally came with left; it was just me and him. The drinks were still flowing so by this time it was all alcohol present while the REAL me was in a corner sleep somewhere. As we talked the only thing that was on my mind was oral sex......and he be the receiver of it!

I propositioned and molested him several times before he gave in.
We leave the bar and then it begins...... I'm going at it. Hearing his heavy breathing and moans of pleasure really did something to me. I wasn't attracted to him in any way but for some reason I just wanted to be FUCKED!!! (sorry about the language,, but it's the truth).
The more I pleased him,, the more I wanted it..... Next thing you know we're kissing and in between feeling him up and trying to slow things down I keep whispering "fuck me,, please fuck me". *****I honestly don't know what had gotten into me (well.....yes I do.) But I've never been like that.... I kept kissing,, rubbing, licking ...... I just couldn't stay off of him!!!!

I give him mad props though,, because even though my advances were strong,, his willpower was stronger. He kept telling me " we can't cross that line"  and I would just suck him faster. He would say "you wanna do this for the wrong reasons,, you're just mad at Selfish" and I would kiss him harder. Then he said "I don't have any condoms" and my response was " don't worry,, I'll swallow it". !!!!!!!

******Hangs head in shame*********

Like,, I don't know what this means...... Am I desperate???? Was I really THAT mad at Selfish???? ( I gotta fill you in on him some more) Have I lost my luster when it comes to seduction???????? What is wrong with me????

That's not even the worst part..... he finally gets me off of him  long enough to get out and try to get me out of the passenger side of his car..... in protest I take off my panties and assume the position for him give it up. But,, he keeps saying " we can't cross that line" . So what do I do?????? I TAKE IT!!!!!! He Let's me get some then he pulls away and says "this is wrong B!". He gets me out of his car and into mine,, but before he could get his car in gear I was back!!! I threw my panties onto the passenger seat,, jumped back in my car and proceeded to follow him back to his place.
However in  the midst of  my drunken stupor I got his car confused with another and ended up at a gas station on the other side of town. Thankfully I was familiar with that side of town (I lived there with Decent for a few months) I went inside got some chicken wings and sobered myself up enough to get home in one piece.


I'm so ashamed!!!!!

 I played it off cool at work. We talked about it for a hot second and then we carried on like we usually do. But I did tell him I wouldn't drink around him anymore...... can't let the drunken rapist resurface again.

Emotional Wreck!

Where do I start????? Where do I begin?????? I'm just so freaking hurt and confused I don't know what to do. How is it that I love and care about someone so much and they hurt me so bad and yet we keep coming back for more?????

Then on the other hand there's another guy who is very sweet and IN LOVE with me,, but there is nothing there when it comes to him. I mean I like him and I enjoy our conversation and not too mention he feeds me (I know.....shallow,, right?!?!?) but other than that there's nothing........ NOTHING!!!!!!

I try my best to open my mind and find some type of attraction but I just can't. Physically there is none and as far surpassing the friend zone there is no attraction there either. The only good thing about it is he knows that I only want friendship,, but yet he pushes for something more. He even told his mother he was going to marry me!!!!!! That's laying it on waaaaay too thick being that the most he's ever got from me is a hug,, I mean I don't even let him in the house when he comes by to see me.....he gets straight porch action!!!!! Ugh!!!!

I think my frustration runs so deep because I want to take his sweetness and kindness and put it all into the selfish asshole that I love. (hmmmmm "Selfish" is a good name for him too,, and I think I'll call the other guy ,,, ummmm "Nice"). If I could just get Selfish to be somewhat close to Nice is I wouldn't cry so much!!!!

I'm happy but yet unhappy its ridiculous!!!! Thinking back to when Decent was alive I had my downward moments,, you know the times when he took me for granted. But at some point he always had a moment of clarity and made things right and really put forth the effort to make changes for the better. My God! I miss decent so much! I think that's one of the reasons I cry too; if Decent never got killed then I probably would have never crossed paths with Selfish and Nice would have stayed on the side line. I just miss him so much and I think of him all the time. I just want him here with me and our daughter..... I just want my life to make sense again.... I want my heart to stop hurting.... I want the hurt from selfish to stop and just go away. I want the love that I had!!!!

I'm so broken!!!! I honestly don't think I can be put back together. I just want to just disappear and be okay.

Let's Have a Threesome!

OK so... the guy I've been talking to asked me about a threesome. Well he told me he wanted to have one. Initially I was like "No". Simply because I'm trying to pursue a relationship with you and I feel like if I allow something like that to happen then he'll think it's okay to solicit other girls whether he's in the mood for some three-way action or he just may want a one-on-one session with the chick we had the three way with thinking it would be okay since I had sex with her too.

But then again I thought about it. Maybe a threesome is what I needed to start distancing myself from him. I know for a fact that if we did have one I would totally look at him in a different light and fall back super hard on him. So I told him I changed my mind.... if that's what he wanted then let's do it. He asked had I ever had one before and I told him "yes; As a matter of fact the couple that I had one with wants to have another when they come back to this side of town for a visit". He didn't like the sound of that he quickly said that the only three way that went down is the one that included him and that the only way I could get with the couple is if the 3-way changed to a 4-way. He then asks if we did have a threesome how it would affect me and him. I was honest and told him there would be no "us",, I would fall back and just let this distance grow until we eventually stopped talking.

I just feel like any guy that has a threesome is not into either girl. They are just getting their rocks off until the right one comes along and personally I don't want to be romantically involved with someone I had a three-some with. If I have one with you ,, we don't have anything else in common,, we won't go out for drinks,, we will barely talk. That's just where I stand on that and I told him. I told him that my feelings toward him would end that day and he wouldn't have to worry with dealing with me on a romantic level. He then says that he doesn't want a threesome anymore because in his exact words.... "I don't mess up what I have going with you,, I don't wanna lose you over something like that". Ugh what do I do?!?!?!?!? Do I keep things going with him or do I cut them off. I have feelings for him and I do love him,, but his indecisiveness is just taking it's toll.

I really don't know what I wanna do. I don't wanna lose him but I don't want to keep up with this back and forth that we have going. It's like do I hold on and see where things go or do I have this threesome which would be the chainsaw that cuts our ties for good???????? His Ideology about threesomes is the total opposite though. He doesn't think the "main chick" is someone he can't or doesn't want to be with ....that position is for the extra chick. He feels like that's something that can be done once every blue moon with the girl he's dating just add some excitement here and there. I just don't agree with that.

I will admit a part of me does want to do it. Then the other part of me doesn't because I honestly don't want to see him having sex with another chick and he still expect us to be building a relationship together.

 Ugh!!! I know it sounds really stupid,, but this is my reality...... This is the type of shit that I deal with....

I Had a Baby,, But He Never Knew.....

Shortly after I found out about the baby (see previous post) I found out that I would be having one of my own.....  In the normal fashion most women would call the "father -to -be" and let him know what the deal was. In my case,, I didn't.

I sat there looking at the test thinking "what am I gonna do? How am I gonna tell him I'M pregnant and he's already freaking out about this kid he just told me about?" "Will he disown me and the baby? " "Will he embrace us?". There were so many questions and fears running thru my head I didn't know where to start or what to do,, so I just kept it to myself.

It was so hard playing it off like nothing was going on. So many conversations went by without me uttering a word. I knew I needed to say something though because the time slot for selfishness aka the window of time to get an abortion, was quickly coming to an end. I'll admit I thought about just going to secretly have the abortion and just take that to the grave with me. I would drive out to the clinic and ask myself "are you really gonna do this?".... but I could never bring myself to actually go inside. Instead I called my doctor,, told her what was going on and she told me to come in the next day.

At the doctors office,, even though it was very pre-mature,, I got an ultrasound. I heard the baby's little heartbeat and just cried and cried and cried....... How could I be that selfish that I was going to take away from something so innocent and so precious??? How could I punish someone who didn't even ask to be here???????

How could I?????

My doctor,, knowing that I was a depressed emotional wreck told me to come in the next week to check on baby,, but little did we both know that by my next appointment there would be no heartbeat to hear.....

On the day of my appointment I woke up feeling alittle off, but really didn't pay it any attention. I get to my OB's office and my stomach starts to hurt,, you know the kinda stomach ache you get when you feel like you have to get to a bathroom ASAP?!?!? That's how I felt. I felt something running down my leg so I ask the receptionist if I could go on back so that I could use the restroom. She lets me thru and as soon as I get in the bathroom I lift up my dress only to see blood running down my leg. I press the help button and my nurse came immediately.

One look at me and she calls for my doctor. At this point people are starting to get nosey and start trying to walk past and see what was going on,, all I remember thinking is "don't cry". I guess I didn't want to scare the newly pregnant ladies or the ones who were about to pop. The last thing I remember was hearing my doctor say "It's gonna be okay....",, then everything went black.

I passed out right there in the bathroom. I don't know if it was from shock,, blood loss,, the heat from all those people in that tiny bathroom,, or all the above....I don't know. I do know that when I woke up my doctor was right there. She sat me up and told me that the baby was gone....that I had miscarried. I cried.

I think my tears were a mixture though. I cried tears of sadness that I had just lost a life I was carrying ,, but they were also tears of relief... I was relieved I didn't have to stress or worry about whether or not I would be a single parent a second time around. I didn't have to tell him anything now... it would be a no harm,, no foul type of situation.

I carried on for months like nothing had ever happened. He knew something was wrong though because I wasn't really myself. My hormones were still off balance,, I guess it was from the stress of pretending like nothing happened. But I knew at some point I was gonna have to tell him........and honestly I wasn't ready.

Confessions of a SIde Chick (continued)

Time passes and we have a bond closer than ever,, we've even taken some trips out to see each other,, but like always when I think things are good between us,, something goes wrong. This go around....it was something I just wasn't expecting. I'll admit this particular incident still bothers me and it really makes me feel like I should've left a long time ago,, but yet I'm still here.....


So that is where I left off in my last post. I must say since then nothing much has changed,, but I'll fill you in anyway....

I get a call one day. Just laying in bed watching a Snapped marathon and he calls. I notice he has a nervous tone in his voice,, but I shake it off thinking it may be something going on at work. We talk about a few things and then he starts to get to the point of his call....

Him: do you really have feelings for me?
Me: yes
Him: Hypothetically speaking what if I told you I had another child?
Me: That would depend on if it was before me or after me,, but it sounds like you're trying to tell me something.
Him: (silence......)
Me: Are you saying you have another kid??? Don't lie to me!!!!
Him: .........yeah,, but it was before I met you. I just been trying to figure out how to tell you....

I haven't really gotten over the whole baby thing,, However I did meet the baby. I was apprehensive , but the way he looked at me with those big brown eyes I felt so bad for....dare I say it...."hating" him. The mom hates me tho. She's one of those "if we cant be in a relationship,, you can't see your child" type of bitch,, just plain ole petty and ignorant. The sad part is her family is just as bad.

 I try to walk away but he keeps acting like he's gonna fight for this to work out. I say I'm done and I don't want to do this anymore and he reassures me he's gonna do better by me and he's gonna change and he's ready for a real relationship with me. Buthten nothing happens after that. I don't get it why keep me hanging on????? I mean do you really want me or are you just hanging on to me until "the one" comes along?????

I'll admit at first it was about having a title,, you know being called his "girlfriend",, but now it waaaaay past that. I'm at the point of "why are we doing this????" we have NO  boundaries,, well let me rephrase that....HE has no boundaries,, I do. Then this whole baby situation makes it worse!!!! Like,, why are you keeping me around?????

Ugh!!!! I'm so confused..... Am I a SIDECHICK???? Am I the one he wants????  Am I what he needs??????

Confessions of a Side Chick,, at least that's what it feels like.....

Now,, before you judge me I don't mean the kind of side chick like I was with Basketball and Old Man. I guess you can say there's this new age version of side chick that's totally different from "dating" a married man.

This new kind of side chick is still the chick that is temporary,, but she plays temp to a single man that keeps her around until he finds the one HE wants to give his heart,, time,, and loyalty to. I must admit I'm not sure if this particular version of "side chick" is me,, but there are many times I feel like SHE is ME.

I met this cutie a little over a year ago on a social networking site. We completely hit it off. He was so sweet and I just LOVED his accent. Our conversation was nonstop and he made me feel like he actually cared about my day When he asked " how was your day?" or "How's work going?". I had never had anyone ask me something so simple,, and because I had never had that happen I was feeling him more and more.
We'd been talking a couple of months and the question of us finally meeting came up. Of course I was excited, I had actually been ready to meet him face to face after the first couple of weeks of talking.

We make plans for me to come to him (he lives about 500 miles away) it was cool with me cause I actually preferred coming to him. I drive 7hrs and finally the day and time have come for us to see each other. I'm nervous as hell ,, cause honestly I don't even think I'm pretty enough for a guy as cute and just all around attractive as he is. But he takes one look at me smiles and gives me one of the best hugs I had ever had! His strong arms wrapped around me,, slightly lifting my heavy ass off the ground. He just holds me for a few minutes.

I'm just taking it all in: his hair color,, his eyes,, the way he feels,, his scent.........everything little thing about him. I couldn't help but smile to myself. I couldn't help but think that I was actually pretty enough and good enough for him. He finally releases me,, grabs my bags and leads me into his house.

That first visit didn't go too well after one night together and a disagreement I ended up packing my bags and going back home. We didn't talk for a few days after that,, maybe a text here or there but nothing like it was before. Honestly I didn't think things would go back to how they were,, but to my surprise they did.

Time passes and we have a bond closer than ever,, we've even taken some trips out to see each other,, but like always when I think things are good between us,, something goes wrong. This go around....it was something I just wasn't expecting. I'll admit this particular incident still bothers me and it really makes me feel like I should've left a long time ago,, but yet I'm still here.....

New Year ,, New Me???? Nah ..... just New Year

Happy New Year!!!!!!


2014 has come and gone and I can't say that too much has changed. I mean not too much has changed in a positive way. I'm still the black sheep,, but it doesn't really bother me. I just play my role when necessary so my "family" can save face for those they actually think care about our functionality. Financially,, things are better and worse at the same time. Worse because I've made some extremely stupid and terrible mistakes,, but better cause I know not to even THINK to do that shit again.

Me and my new friend have made it past the one year mark (come to think of it I don't think I told y'all about him,, let alone named him.....) I'll have to back track and tell you about the shit he and I have gone thru in another post. Just thinking about it makes me hang my head a little cause some of the stuff is just plain ole ridiculous.

Hmmmmm,, what else?????? I'm happier now that my sister has moved out of state. I don't feel so "judged" by my family now that she has moved away. We were never really close so I wasn't all that broke up about it when her final box made it's way to the trunk of her car. Sounds bad,, I know. But, I would rather be honest about it than to pretend like everything is all hunky doory. I mean let's face the facts we've never been close and New Years doesn't exactly erase any problems or conflicts you have. If anything New Year's makes you more aware of your problems and conflicts. Think about it..... another fucking year has come and gone and shit is still fucked up.......

Still clocking in at a job that I hate,, but thankful I have one at the same time. Well I take that back. I don't really hate the job so much ,, just the people. One person in particular..... Debbie Downer aka Nancy Negative aka Connie the Complainer. I think you get the gist. This bitch is never HAPPY! I've never met someone who turn almost everything into a negative. You could come in and say "hey guys I gotta a new car!" her retort would be something like "now you have to spend more money on gas and then you won't be able to pay your bills .... then you'll lose your house and be homeless,, then die." Seriously she's really like that and I hate to even see her shit in the work place because it makes me more aware that she's there.... Ugh come to think of it I gotta see this bitch tomorrow....... SHIT!!!!!!!!

well I gotta cut this one of cause my sweet little crumb snatcher wants to play Disney Jr.

I be back soon!!!! Promise!!!!!!