How The Hell Are Ya?????

It seems like since I've been out of a J-O-B, a lot has been happening, well not really a lot just enough to keep my mind off being jobless. But anyway, here's the latest in my jobless little life:





Rush- So........ Rush and I have been sexing it up a lot lately and it is good sex. I must admit though, he is growing on me more and more. He's a really cool guy with a good sense of humor; the only thing I don't really care much for is the fact that he talks about females he's been with.......A LOT!!!!! It gets really annoying not to mention I know a few of the girls he talks about. But I don't say anything because at the end of the day I just want to have sex and go on about my business.

School- Well I passed 3 of my 4 classes this semester (I don't know about the 4th class yet because my teacher is slow as Christmas). But I think I did ok in the class...we'll see.

Job Search- Well, I've been searching for a job for a month now. I'm happy to say a lot of people from my old job are really rallying behind me and trying to help me find something else. I'm just filling out apps and praying that somethings through. But I feel like I really won't be hearing anything until after Christmas... Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Sexy Mexi- he's getting deployed next month..... *yawn*

The "Online Success" Guy- He is NO MORE,, he told me he was talking to somebody so I fell back and then he has the nerve to text me asking about some head.... Hmmmmpf

New Guy- The other day I did meet a really cute and nice guy. He's a friend of my cousin... But, don't worry I'm not getting too excited about him cause he lives in another state. But we'll see.....

My Mom- Things still aren't good between us.....in fact they're worse! We've gotten into several nuclear arguments,, one of which took place in front of my daughter (my mom even tried to get physical. Luckily my dad was there to break it up, because if she had've hit me....especially in front on my baby....it would've went down. I mean I know that's my momma but I'm also a grown woman and I WILL NOT be disrespected for no reason).

Random- I got a new phone :)

Well that's all I can think of right now..... I'll be back soon!!!! 

Sleeping with Trouble

So, I know I said I was going to stay away from Rush, but the attention I get from him is keeping me around, he IS really sweet, and not to mention the fact that we have recently started to sex it up...... I know I know dumb move, but to be honest it just kinda happened, I know that sounds cliche....but that's the truth. I will admit that the sex is good too...I know that's not a good enough reason to be doing what I'm doing, but that's all I got for now.....

Rush aside from the other things I brought up about him he does have some endearing qualities that make him pleasnat be around. He's sooooo fun to talk to and to hang out with he makes me laugh and all that other fun stuff. I hate to admit that personality wise he is growing on me, but I'm still not all the way physically attracted to him.... 

Well Damn.....

I can't finish a single post because shit keeps happening..... So here goes:


I lost my fucking job today!!!!




Granted I didn't care much for the department I was in, I definitely didn't want to leave the facility, but anyway, I got the fuckin boot!!! Now, I'm on a mad dash for a job because I'll be damned if my baby don't have a good Christmas. The only good thing about what happened is that I don't have to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas and the old dept is screwed over cause they don't have enough people working to be able to cover my shift (insert evil laugh here). But anyway, I'm still in shock. My tears flow randomly because I'm such a failure to my parents, my sister, myself, and my daughter. 

I feel like such a let down. I hope I can get back on my feet and get on them soon because I gotta make it. I don't want to be in that deadly depressed mode that I got to know all too well at one point. I just hope and pray that I don't stay down for long and when I get back up I'm doing things bigger and better than ever before.

I refuse to be a bottom bitch again,, I'm gonna make it and come out on top!!!

Letter to God......

Dear God,

As you know I am trying to better my life. Be a better mother, friend, daughter, sister...just a better person in general, but it is sooo hard. It seems like everyday I'm faced with something different and it just hurts. The more I try to better myslef as a person it seems to add more strain on my relationships with my family and some friends,, but mainly my parents and mostly my mother.


God, I just ask that you help me sort all of this out. Help my family grow to be a good example for my little girl. Help us to stop arguing and bickering over little things. Lord help us.


I ask that you help my family to try to know and understand me. Because right now no one does. They make me feel liuke I am all wrong for that household, like I REALLY don't belong there. It gets to the point at times that I feel like they want me to leave, you know like they would be better off without me. I love them and I really want us ALL to have a healthier relationship with one another and with You.


I want to follow the path that is right for me that is pleasing to You, but I also want to stay on that path without getting so emotionally intertwined when I'm done wrong or feel as if someone is doing me wrong. God, I just want to be a better person......


I would like to find love in person that also helps me become an even better person. I know that I have to wait, patiently for him, and get myself together first before this love can come along but, you can't blame a girl for asking. Also, allow my daughter to continue to experience genuine love...keep her happy and protected. I love so much and I want her to know that every day of her life.


God I just ask that you help me and my life become better and more stable. I need Your guidance.




~Blk BarB

Trouble Man

I should be studying for my biology and psychology test, but instead of doing that I'm going to talk about Rush....





Well, I think I have figured out why I have my reservations about Rush and this whole dating thing,, he is living a very street/hood life that I just can't get down with. Not to mention the fact that he still has yet to ask me out on a date,, I mean I like to go out to eat and be treated to a movie or something like that. But instead I only hear from him via text every once in a while and I only see him at work *yawn*. He's putting toward no effort to win me over especially with my recent discovery of his HOT lifestyle and his mislead family.

According to him, he has a brother that has been a ring leader in a string of home and church (yeah that's right,, I said CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!) invasions with adolescents and now dectives and shit have been all over him and his family. Then he lives the same type of lifestyle that Decent led before his death,, the drug life..... HE's a really nice guy that's fun to talk to and hang out with but I can't go down that route agsin and plus I'm still not attracted to him. I just like the attention I get from him. I will admit he makes me feel pretty and wanted. I haven't had that feeling come from a guy in a loooooong time so it's somewhat refreshing when I get that attention from him.
But anyway, back to the subject at hand, I just can't allow myself to get caught up, maybe that's why he's been keeping it at work,, I dunno ?!?!?!?. In alot of ways I feel like my life has been spared tremendously, when I used to ride around with Decent while he made his runs and stuff and I don't want to welcome any unwanted trouble especially since his fools for brothers are the pied pipers of thuggish children. I just need to stay away. But, on the other hand I feel really bad because he is fun to talk to....he has a very inviting personality; he really makes me feel comfortable and I like that about him......

Karma wasted NO time.....

Since my last declaration, about my involvement with Basketball, I have really stuck to not seeing him answering his phone calls or anything like that when it comes to him. So my birthday was at the first of the month and surprisingly I get a call from him. I was secretly pleased that he remembered but I kept the convo short and sweet. 

After that initial call I made sure to stay away from him because I knew what would soon follow......an invitation for a "session". I was doing really good too! I knew his birthday was 6 days after mine so I was anticipating a call from him; and sure enough the friday before his birthday he calls......
He asks if he can see me, you know since he hasn't seen me in a minute and because I don't answer any of his phone calls. I still don't know why I did this, but I obliged his request. We meet up in our "spot" and we talk for a minute. We make casual conversation, you know me asking about his baby and how work is going, him asking about my loveless life. After about 15-20min of talking he starts going through the motions of departing. He leans in to kiss me and I pull away. I tell him that this isn't right and that we said we weren't going down that route anymore. He then looks at me oh so pitiful and says that he's missed me and that a "session" would be his birthday gift. Just so you know, I did not fall for that whole birthday gift line. What I fell for was that TV chin grab right before a kiss move. (I don't know what it is....it's something about that move that makes me weak). But anyway, we start going at it and then I realize I. Taste. Cinnamon. ***Mind you I am HIGHLY allergic to cinnamon like major swelling, constricted airway type of allergic.*** I immediately tell him to stop and of course he questions what's wrong and I say:
"You're chewing cinnamon gum!"
Him: "Yeah? So?
Me: I'm Allergic...
HIm: Oh Shit! You gonna be okay?
Me: If I don't get to some Benadryl or Epi,, no.
Him: I'm sorry,, I'm sorry.....damn man!!! I'm sorry. Go handle that. Call me and let me know you're ok....

By the time I got hold to some Benadryl and into a bathroom, my mouth was looking like Professor Klump!!!!!! My shit was so big I was starting to not recognize myself!!!!!! That Bitch Karma wasted NO TIME letting my ass know what the deal was. That shit came back on me instantly. But then again, maybe that was a good thing. Maybe She went on ahead and got my ass so that things won't get fucked up with me and the possible new boo?!?!?!?!?

 I don't know but we will see....But damn karma got my ass good!

Online Success

So I have still been doing this online dating thing and I have FINALLY met someone with some potential. I will admit that when I first met him I really didn't like him all that much....I found him to be cocky and insensitive. But, I still wanted to try to get to know him before I stuck with that perception of him. After hanging out with him a couple of times and and many phone texts/conversations he turned out to be a pretty decent dude.

To be honest I've been really careful with him. I don't want to be in a "Sexy Mexi" situation with him, you know when I'm digging him so much that I'm oblivious to the fact that he doesn't give 2 damns about me... and the only time I'm at the top of his list is when he wants to sex it up. But, I will admit he has grown on me significantly I have to continuously remind myself to not let myself get too involved and don't really read into anything he says; simply put... don't put all you r faith in him and then look stupid all due to the fact that you read into every line that came out of his perfect mouth.

In recent conversations he has hinted towards wanting a girlfriend and in some of these hints he has been, to me, insinuating that it is me he is referring to. I will admit I do get a little excited, but I quickly get back to earth and back to reality. I'm gonna tread softly for a while when it comes to him and just kinda sit back and observe him and where his head is at......

Trust Me, I'm A Doctor.....

Are women still ashamed to talk about or admit they give head????





Honestly, I do talk about it, more so with Bestie, but I really don't talk about it a whole lot. The only reason I'm bringing it up now is because it seems as if that's my sexual specialty. I won't say I DON'T like giving head, because I really don't mind.....unless the dick looks a little disturbing....(you know, not every dude has a "lights on" piece,, some of them when you see it, you change your mind about everything. You lose all interest in sex and in that person. Either that, or you really only wanted that person just for plain ol' sex with no oral or maybe one-sided oral...you know when you're the only person getting something out of it...) But anyway, that's another post for another day....


Now, back to what I was saying, giving head seems to be my sexual specialty. Now let me state my disclaimer on this. I don't just go aroung sucking every dick in front of me, I'm more of a..... if you give you will receive type of...hmmm ...head doctor, nah that sounds too raunchy......How about Doctor of Headology or expert Headologist. Ooh ooh Dean of Dome! You know what I'm trying to say. For those who have been lucky enough to experience my talents....they have given me rave reviews on my head game. In fact, I think head is one reason why Sexy Mexi is still around, because all conversations with him lead to it Hmmmmmmm *ponders this for a moment* 


I'm not saying that head has been what's been keeping some of the dudes that I talk about around. I'm just saying that it's something that keeps them sexually intrigued. Sometimes I wonder if this is a craft I should perfect, not for random dudes, but for THE dude for me???



I will admit that Decent is the one who taught me how to do it right, in fact he taught me everything about sex, before him I knew absolutely NOTHING! Decent is the one who told all the things to do as far as pleasing such a sensitive area. But anyway, ultimately I'm not sure about how I feel about this revelation.... In some ways I feel good, ya know, like....I could be a porn star with this type of talent. In other ways I feel ashamed, like people including the guys probably think I'm a promiscuous whore.... which is totally not the case. 


But anyway, I guess that's it for now.........

Alone in the World Without a Sweater

As the days creep closer to the anniversary of Decent's death, I feel so alone and sad. I keep having these "if he made it would life be like this?" dreams. Which in turn only place more emphasis on the fact that he's gone and I'm here still somewhat in the same place I was in on the day I lost him.

He wasn't the greatest guy, but he was MY guy. He didn't do right all the time, but I know leading up to his death he was really trying to be better; he was trying to show me and those around us that he did deserve me. But, sadly it was too late. I have so many dreams about him and how I feel like my life would be if he was still around. I can say FOR SURE that there would be no Basketball, Sexy Mexi, Fishy, Old Man (for damn sure), and no Rush crowding the pages of my life.

I think the thing that I hate the most about his passing( besides him actually passing) is the fact that the loose ends as far as the females he talked to (when we were together and separated....I know how that sounds) weren't tied up....
When other females mention him it, to me, seems like they are trying to say he was with them more, he meant more to them....like he cared for and loved them more than me.

When he died at his funeral, I "met" 3 other "girlfriends" and "so in love exes" which made his death all the more painful. To be pregnant and to hear all these claims on him and him not being there to shut them down if they were false or explain if they were true.

All I know is that I miss him so much.... I wish my daughter could know him. I really want to see how they would have interacted together, you know, see her give her little hugs and kisses to him or even just see them have a conversation. I wanted to see him asleep with her laying on his chest or jumping on the bed to wake him up in the morning. I'm not saying I couldn't have this later on down the line when I meet somebody worth actually getting to know. I just wanted all of this with him.

Now I'm by myself trying to find the starting point for starting over. Starting, life love and happiness all over again......

Bullshit in a Bag!

My life has seriously taken a turn for the worst it seems.... I've been called to my bosses office TWICE in the same week over some hear say shit. Everything  starts off the same "we received information that you......." and then they proceed on with the accusations. Now let me just say if these accusations were justified; if I didn't tell anyone I would tell you guys, but the thing is they're not!! Somebody is definitely putting in extra work to make me look bad.

I hate to say the 2nd time I was called into the office I let my anger and emotions get the better of me and I cried. I cried right there in front of my boss and her little rat-faced side kick. I cried. I couldn't help but let some of my emotions pour. Through hot tears streaming down my face I told them that  "....in all the years that I have been working in that department I have NEVER had any problems I have always gone by the book and all of a sudden I'm the problem child?!?!?!?!?!? I really feel like I'm am being picked on!!!!! " 

To some, what I said may have sounded elementary, but honestly that's exactly how I felt. Then the thing that pissed me off the most is the fact that they were just sitting looking like I had just stripped naked and spoke in Japanese! It got to the point we were sitting there so long I just is that it????  Can I go????? Then, I proceeded to run down the hall to nearest bathroom so that I can let the rest of the tears, I fought so hard to keep at bay, flow.  I don't know what is going on, I know who the ones are that's feeding the so-called information to my boss. My only question is.........WHY?

Cold shoulder

Soooooooooo Old Man calls himself mad at me. For what? I'm not quite sure. Do I care? I almost did, then I thought about how much he gets on my nerves when he does talk to me..... and I came to the conclusion that I don't care.

 I worked in his area the other day and he was on mute everytime he saw me, if he did say anything to me it was always mumbled or damn near whispered.

Today he was like "I know you not just gone come thru my area and not open your mouth and speak!" I retorted "I know I am gonna do just that." and proceeded to walk on to my destination. I don't know why he thinks I'm gonna run up behind him. I let that shit go in highschool.....

 Anywho, let me get my shit together......I have class tonight.

You're really sweet...but I'm not attracted to you....

^^^^^ The above is how I feel about this guy that I work on the same floor with. He's really nice and sweet and he's been chasing me for 6 years,, I finally gave in and gave him my number,, but I'm just not  all that attracted to him.... 

One thing I don't like is the fact that as SOON as he got my number,, in his book it was ok for him to start hugging and touching and trying to hold my hand and shit. I don't like that!!!! I also hate the fact that Kinkos is trying to get all up in it. She doesn't hide the fact that she likes him... all she can talk about is how fine he is (to her), how nice his car is, and how big his dick is (she claims he didn't lock the bathroom door one day and she walked in while he was pissing). Hmpf!
*I need to give him a blog birth certificate.....I shall name him.......Rush*
Don't get me wrong he's a good guy and stuff like that. I just don't care for the approach. Then I also don't like how he's not even trying to date me,, it's like he want to try to jump straight into a relationship... I'm trying to step outside my box and not just go for the physically attractive dog that will never do right, and try to get to know Rush inspite of the non-existant physical attraction. I'm hoping that I can begin with eventually becoming attracted to what's on the inside and hopefully the internal attraction will have an affect on my eyes.  I mean I'm flattered that after all this time, even with the changes I went thru physically (getting preggo and all), he still finds me just as attractive as a size 12, ok I'm lying.....size 14, as he did when I was a size 4. He even talks about how he thought I was extremely gorgeous when I was pregnant...

I'm REALLY gonna try to give Rush a chance, because in some ways I think he could be good for me. But I will admit that I am scared because, what if I don't ever become attracted to him and he's damn near in love,, then what????? Do I hurt him??? Do I say " I tried to convince myself to be attracted to you and it didn't work....sorry" is that what you say to someone who would probably lick a car tire if you asked him to??? I don't know...

I think things would also be easier if Rush didn't work in the same building as me, Basketball<- whose wife had her baby a few weeks ago,, luckily I haven'y seen him,, I think he's still out on paternity leave. But anyway, where was I ????? Oh yeah Rush works in the same building as Basketball AND............wait for it...................... OLD MAN!!!!!! Basketball really isn't an issue,, the issue would mostly be Old Man trying to possibly sabotage things or just plain ol' getting in the way with this I love You, or the way he says it "I Luh You", shit. I know he shouldn't be a factor in anything as dar as my life goes, but I like to cover the possiblities when it comes to people. I prefer to not be surprised by the idiocracy that I am surrounded by. Also, I don't want Kinkos hatin' ass in my business too. I think I said this or something along those lines already, but anywho.... I really don't want her two cents on anything, and I know because she knows both of us she will be all up in it trying to shell out advice or hate....

Ugh!!! I don't know what I want to do about this whole situation. I really want to try to get to know Rush and give him a chance, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings because I'm not drawn to him like he is to me and then we have to walk around work with that lingering awkwardness and possible anger.

More Death....

My grandad ( on my mother's side) died today....

I am NOT You!!!!!

I am really starting to HATE my mother!!!! I know hate is a strong word,, but right about now.....that's how I feel. She is constantly telling me how to raise my daughter and how to interact with her by comparing how she raised and interacted with me and my sister. Now let me just say in my opinion,, considering how fucked up me and my sister are, I don't think I want to do the things that she did. Also, she always expects me to do things to HER liking when it comes to my daughter. From the way I style her hair (which is never ghetto i.e. alot of bows and barrettes,, you know shit like that) to the way that I chose to dress her. 

Oh and don't let me be tired,, I always hear the same shit.... "I was tired to with ya'll,, but I still got done what I needed to get done".... Ummm hello!!!!!! I AM NOT YOU!!!!!!!! Our circumstances are totally different!!! When I was little,, my sister was a little more independent (we are 2yrs apart) so you didn't have to do much when it came to her,, not to mention you have a husband, someone who is legally obligated to us,, when you were sick of us you could punt us off to him.....which she did do,, I remember spending waaaaaay more time with my dad than with her.  

I am so at the end of my rope with her and this bullshit!!!! She is gonna have it to where when I get a little more stable financially I won't ever come home,, and when I finish school,, I'm getting the hell away from her!!! She always finds a way to irritate the fuck out of me and I am just plain 'ol sick of it. And when I do move I dare her to try and take my daughter away!!!!!

*let me explain how she has the power to do that:

When I was pregnant with my daughter I realized that once she was born I would hardly bring home any money once I added her to my insurance so my parents suggested that I do temporary legal guardianship so that she could be on my dad's insurance with full coverage. They, my parents, reassured me that they would not take over and that I would still make whatever decisions I needed to make in regards to her health and well-being. Now pre-birth this sounded really good. I honestly believed what they said.... I know,, that was dumb on my part. Now they are using what they claim they were doing to help me,, against me.... Since they are her legal guardians they can call the police on me if I tried to take her anywhere and they said no. I may be her biological mother,, but LEGALLY my mom is..... 

There are parts of me that say just leave and if she says you can't take the baby,, still leave anyway,, then there's the sensible part of me that knows I would never abandon my daughter just to prove a point,,,,or abandon her period.

I want to get away from my mother and live happily.....

Punishment

Sometimes I feel like my family punishes me for having my daughter. Anytime I want to do something or go somewhere they always find a way to make it damn near impossible. I couldn't even take Bestie out for her birthday,, because no one wanted to keep my daughter. I mean she's not a bad girl or anything like that,, she's your average active 2yr old. 
I mainly feel this "punishment" treatment with my sister. She always has to boast about all the things she is able to do because she is child free and she pisses me off on purpose because she knows I won't say anything ( she does it because she knows I need her). A lot of the time I wish I didn't need her or my parents, but I know I wouldn't be able to work or go to school without them. I just hate the fact that they tend to rub it in my face that I am a single parent.... I really wish my circumstances were different.




Off Topic


I just found out last night that Decent's step-dad died last night. It seems as if there is gonna be no one left really on his side of the family

deaths in Decent's family in the past 10 yrs (that's about how long we were dating)
His biological father
His uncle
His mother
Him (Decent)
His oldest brother
His grandmother
and as of yesterday his Step-dad

Why are these things happening to me and my baby????? Why is my baby losing people before she can even get to know them forreal?????? Why is this happening to her???????

Coming Soon

I'm putting this out for 2 reasons:

1) So I can can keep you updated on the things that have been happening (I will admit life has been moving by pretty fast for me)

2) So I won't forget the things I want to talk about... ( yeah my mind is bad,, maybe I should try some ginko baloba???? Hmmmm I'll think about it....)

But anyway here are my mini updates:

*Old Man keeps telling me he loves me...I guess hoping I'll say it back....

* I got back in touch with one of my old cut buddies... we were off and on when me and Decent were off and on. He was a pretty good lay,, we fell out because Basketball is his friend and he got a little jealous when Basketball would ask about me.... then he moved to Cali.... When we talked a few days ago he said we were cool and we made plans to "get together" when he comes back home. I'll admit,, I can't wait to see him....I just need to hit this Insanity workout HARD so that my body is on point!!! Shaun T here I come!!!!! I gotta be sexy for the sex!


* Fishy and his bullshit,, this nigga asked me out on a date... but the date wasn't to a restaurant or anything like that. His date was for me to go swimming with him at the apartment complex that he's bumming at with his friend! Nigga you ain't even a LEGAL resident of the complex,, how are you gonna invite somebody to they pool and you're not even supposed to be in it?!?!?!?


*My baby has to get glasses :o(. I was really hoping she would inherit her father's eye sight,, instead she looks and acts just like him and sees like my blind ass!!! Hmpf!


*I think Old Man have an STD!!! not from me!!!! I'm gonna get off topic for one second with this,, but I've noticed a pattern with Old Man.....he really only calls/or texts me when he wants something....  Anyway, he sends me a text early one morning asking about bacterial infections in men. I explained that I haven't heard much about male bacterial infections because their bodies don't have as much going on like the female body. So being nosey,, I asked what his symptoms were, he said " I'm just itchin' real bad,, I feel like if I could just stick something "up there" and scratch I'd feel so much better and it kinda hurts when I pee...but I think it's a bladder infection or something like that,,, so can you get me something for it?????" 


*I think I want to quit my job..... I'm just burned out on the shit that I have to deal with and these sorry ass people I have to work with.


*I'm trying to move but, my mom says if I move out....I can't take my daughter ?!?!?!?!? What the fuck?!?!?!?!?!?


*I got financial aid for the next 2 semesters of school!!!!! Woot woot!!!! Now if only I could do better on some these tests!!! The things I thought I would be successful at,, I'm sucking REALLY bad in, and the things I thought would be my down fall, I'm actually doing pretty good.  I just know I need to buckle down,, cause I can't afford to fail any classes. I just wish my folks were taking this school thing serious....


So these are my updates,, hopefully before fall semester starts I can give more deets. Anywho, let me do some homework and finish this smooth ass cup of coffee I just made....Damn this shit is good!

Me + Online Dating = Epic FAIL!!!

So I took some advice from Bestie and decided to try out online dating, since meeting my future ex-husband by chance wasn't gonna happen. I hopped on the usual sites like Match.com and Blackpeoplemeet.com, but I kept attracting the 40+ crowd and that's waaay too old for me. So Bestie suggested this site called Tagged. Let me just say if you like old men, smoked out dudes, ugly guys, lying mofos, wannabe superstars, thirsty niggas, OR all the above, whose messages start like "aye gimme yo numba, wat up wit ya, I wanna suck yo toes, what's good ma, reply back wit yo numba, I wanna eat yo pussy" and so on and so forth .... then Tagged is the place for you! But anyway, I get on set my little profile up and release it to the world. Instantly I get requests and messages, but nothing from a guy that has any type of potential.Then one day I get a request and message from a guy who was actually cute and within my age range(28). We chat it up online for awhile and I am really feeling him, so I give him my number. After a a few days he finally calls me. He has: 
1) a nice voice
2) good conversation
3) a cute laugh


We really had good conversation. I mean I was really getting excited about meeting him and seeing where this could possibly go. Then things just changed and went downhill from there.


So one day, I text him ya know,, just a "Hey how's your day going?" type of text,, and he responds: really bad...


Me: awww what's wrong?


Him: I lost my place today


Me:Oh.


Him:I don't know what I'm gonna do


Me:I mean what happened?


Him: I guess my folks got tired of paying my bills...


Me: Oh


Him: I don't have anywhere to go.


Me: Oh. I'm sorry...

Now, I'm thinking at 28yrs old, WHY in the hell are your parents footing your bills??? Also, staying in an apartment you knew eviction was coming, 'cause if you don't pay the complex, they put past due notices on your door,, they don't mail that kinda shit! So, was yo ass just ignoring the notices or were you just taking them off the door and giving them straight to your folks? I'm curious how you let yourself get evicted like that. Now don't get me wrong I know that eviction does happen (ya know getting behind because you're not making enough money, or blowing your money cause you don't put your priorities first) But to get evicted because your folks stopped paying your rent and bills and you have no job or emergency money to help out?!?!? 


I feel like this....if my folks are footing my bills I'm gonna go get a job (if I don't have one) and show some initiative that I am trying to get on the path of financial independence. But this nigga just sittin back like he got it, hanging  with his friends all day everyday. The sad part about this whole thing is he told me he was sleeping in his car because his mom wasn't talking to him, not to mention she didn't have a place of her own she's living with his GRANDMOTHER!!!!! Soooooo your mom doesn't have her own spot and yet you depend on her to pay your bills??????  You deserve to be evicted!!!  Not to mention the fact that he has 2 kids!!!!! (according to him, baby momma is married but anyway....) You have 2 kids HOW are you taking care of them and you're not even taking of yourself??? Did you just disregard your responsibility as a father because your baby momma got married,, and you basically said you're gonna let this other dude take care of your kids????? What the HELL!?!?!?!? 


So one day, I call him just to see if he was still sitting around moping or was he trying to do something about his situation. I simply asked him had he talked to his mom and he said "she's not picking up" so I say,, maybe you need to just go over there and talk face to face" he then proceeds to say "I don't have enough gas to make it over there". REALLY??? So were you depending on them for gas money and shit too??


OK now, fast forward a couple of weeks......
According to him,, one of his friends is letting him stay at their place until he gets back on his feet, he got a job, but he hasn't heard from them to get a start date O_o (ummm ok) and last but not least he still wants to meet cause he thinks I'm just so beautiful and I didn't turn my back on him when he hit rock bottom.....


Now, I do have a confession to make... the only reason I'm still communicating with him is because I need a distraction from Sexy Mexi. I need someone to distract me from the constant urge to call or text him so I'm using......hmmmm I didn't give this fella a name,, what shall I name thee????
 I think I will name him "Fishy" because his story is alittle.....well.....fishy.
But I'm using Fishy for company purposes. Who knows maybe he will get his shit together and we can possibly move forward into something and I will have no choice but to let Sexy Mexi go.


We'll see.....

More of Sexy Mexi

I know I have been gone for a while....school has been totally kicking my ass,, I'm starting to think I got in waaaaay over my head. But, I'll get in to that in another post...


 So let me fill you in on the various goings on in my life:
(this post will mainly be about Sexy Mexi,, there is some more stuff that need to talk about, but I'll put that in another post,, just a little hint: it's about this guy I met online o_O)
Well I, at one point, completely wrote off Sexy Mexi; I saw him a couple of weeks ago and all he wanted to talk about was sex...I know I know...I'm sexually deprived. But, I feel like since I'm the one not getting it on the regular I should be the one to initiate the sex talk... But anyway, after that night I just upped and stopped calling and texting. A few weeks went by and he just popped up in my head this past Friday night, so I texted him and asked him if he was getting out. He said he was already out so I told him if he felt like it to swing by the club I was going to be at. We ended up meeting up... He complimented me on my outfit ( I was looking hella sexy too) and then he moved into serious talk.


Sexy Mexi: do you think I avoid you?


Me: at one point I thought that,, then I just stopped caring. You didn't matter to me anymore.


Sexy Mexi: Damn, it's like that???


Me: pretty much,, why should I care? You weren't trying to spend anytime to get to know me for real so I just left you were you were.


Sexy Mexi: I've just been really busy, I'm working 4 jobs (inclucing the military as a job). I am feeling you, I just have alot going on... I'm trying to buy me another house.


Me: I understand you are busy, but I don't ask for much. When it comes to spending time,, I will take alittle time over nothing at all and you acted like you couldn't give me that so I was like 'whatever'...


After that conversation I proceeded to sashay my way to the club. He offered to walk me to the door, but I declined. He then insisted that I had a boyfriend ( I wish)....


 I didn't really know what to make of this interaction with him. Don't get me wrong, it felt good to see him and we have good conversation when we talk. But, this insinuation of a boyfriend is just new to me. I'm confused because I can't read him. He says he feeling me and wants to get to know me better but his actions show the latter.


Okay now, let's fast forward later on into the night. At about 1am I get a text from him asking if I was still at the club. I replied yes but I was about to get ready to go the  girls that I went out with are not the kind I want to party with,, I'd rather go get drinks and eat with them,, so needless to say i was rather bored hanging out with them *sigh*. He asks me to call him when I leave because he really wanted to see me again before I headed home.


I meet up with him and he immediately jumps to that boyfriend shit
Sexy Mexi: Did you and your man have fun,, where did you tell him you were going when you left?


Me: if I had a man, I wouldn't have left him to sit around and talk to you. I would still be with him at the club or somewhere fucking him...


Sexy Mexi: Damn, what is up with you??? You have changed since we met.


Me: nothing is up with me, being honest. When it came to you, I used to be an optimist,, now I'm a realist :o/


He then proceeded to apologize for his neglect on my part and made little comments like: the only way we are going to see more of each other is if you're sleeping in my bed or I'm sleeping yours.... I didn't respond I just gave him a look. 


I really don't know to process Sexy Mexi and the conversation we had that night. I mean, I really enjoyed his company and we talked til almost 4am and as of late he's either called or texted since that night. 


I just wish I knew where he was in life as far as dating and relationships go. I'm exploring my other options as far as dating around goes, I just want to know is it worth it to keep interacting with him...hoping he makes up his mind when it comes to me or just let him go completely regardless of how he feels about me....


Oh I forgot to mention,, we DID have sex that night,, BUT I initiated it and it was great!

Ben Wa Balls and Post Pregnancy Cravings

As of late I have been fascinated with these things called Ben-Wa Balls. The balls work along with your body when you do Kegel exercises. They strengthen the pelvic floor which in turn gives you better bladder control, tightens up the "baby dispenser" aka vagina and when worn while sexing it up, they increasing the POW factor. Not to mention you can ease those babies in before you go to work and feel so good you'll be speaking to people you don't even like (when you wear them while you're out and about, while walking and/or jogging they give you a nice sensual vibrating sensation... ooh la la). I've been thinking about trying these bad boys out, since my sex life is pretty much non-existent and I'm not confident enough yet to walk into the local sex shop and buying a "mr fix it" and I'm sure as hell not about to order something and have my nosey momma open the package and look like a pop-eyed duck when she sees the contents. So for now, Ben Wa Balls are my go to source. (When I get the nerve order or go get them and maybe a little something extra :-) , I'll have to let you guys know how that goes....)


One strange thing about being in sexual starvation mode is that my post-pregnancy cravings have come back, and these cravings are not the food cravings I had. After I had my daughter aside from wanting Pizza Hut every minute of every day; I had cravings for the scent of cleaning products.... strange, I know. Lately I have gotten sheer pleasure from the scent of lemon and orange Ajax dishwashing liquid, Gain washing powder, All washing powder, and last but not least rubbing alcohol.


At first, when these cravings came back I thought I was on "white kid status" and I was resurrecting "huffing". But, after a frantic call to my doctor she said I was perfectly fine and that as long as I am not getting high off of the things I love to smell I'm ok.  I don't know what is up with me lately, could my life really be taking this strange turn because I'm  not getting sexed up on the regular????? I don't know,, all I know is that I need to remedy this little situation.... Before things get even more strange.

Writer's Block

I've got a post pending that I just can't find the words to finish it. My mind is going North South East and West and I don't know why?!?!?!? Maybe it's my chemical imbalance that I have. Bestie and I were talking today about my depression and how things were going medicine free, and let me just say it SUCKS!!!! When we were talking I wondered aloud if I had this chemical imbalance all along and the happiness I experienced with the Decent Boyfriend was just artificial and when he died the imbalance was more pronounced or did all this depression and chemical shit with my brain happen when he died????? Hmmmmmm
*ponders this for a moment*


I don't know, I'm just tired of experiencing all these ups and downs. You know,, just feeling all fucked up on the inside...


Honestly I feel crazy and sane all at the same time. Ugh!!!!! I'm so Frustrated!!!!!!!!!!


~posts sign on computer: Back whenever.... 


*walks away  to get a drink*

Cake Cake Cake Cake!!!!!!

Today My precious baby girl is 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HaPpY BiRtHdAy Princess!!!!

Riding The Magic School Bus

Ok, maybe I'm not actually riding a "magic school bus", but I am going back to school! Woot Woot!!!!! After years of saving I was finally able to pay the remaining tuition I owed to the university I attended....IN CASH!!!!! Now that THAT financial weight has been lifted I finally feel like I'm going somewhere in life. You know, finally moving toward an actual goal.
 For the past 5yrs I wasn't in school because of this burden; I felt like I was at a stand still. Now the wheels on the "Magic School Bus" that will take me to my future career have FINALLY started moving. Yay! I feel so good right now. Too bad not everyone is not happy about my recent actions (paying the tuition) and my plan to return to school. I'll talk about them later Right now I just want to bask in the ambiance of my upcoming success in school and my brighter future!!!!


GO ME, Go Me, go me, go me, go me!!!!! 

Thinking More Clearly...I Think

I know Basketball and I promised that we would not have anymore "sessions".....well we broke our exclusive pinky promise and did it again. I feel like the reason this happened is because he's mad at his wife. He says he's pissed because she's unappreciative and dogs him all the time. He even went as far to say he thinks that they should separate for a while.

Before anyone can pass judgement on me, let me just say that I only listened. I never once voluntarily gave my opinion. I only said something when he asked me and I also told him that with her being pregnant and all, this is the wrong time to use the "we need to separate" card. He listened to me, but he had made up in his mind that he was not gonna go home for the next 3 days; I told him that was wrong too. You can't get mad and then run away...especially when your little girl gets here. You have to stay put even if the wife is on your last nerve.


 I will admit, after this "session" I felt different. I can't quite explain why or what it was; I just didn't feel right. Maybe it was the slight twinge of jealousy, guilt, hurt, sadness, and longing that made me feel different.  All I know is if I keep carrying on like this I will be alone forever and my daughter will follow in my footsteps.
 Also, I began to wonder if me and Basketball could be together would things be all hunky-doory in the land of Oz..... It's one thing to want someone and you can't have them, constantly believing the illusions of grandeur, and to actually be able to be with that person and see that everything that glitters ain't gold. I guess a part of me wants to be with him and another part of me knows, is trying to convince me, that we are better off as friends because we wouldn't do all that great together.


You know, the crazy part about this whole Basketball thing.... the part I think has both of us constantly coming back???? I honestly think that Basketball may love me and I may love him. I'm not sure, but that's what I think. However, I DO know that I could be TOTALLY wrong and that hormones and curiosity may be what has us coming back; OR it could be a mixture of it all! I just know at this point I'm tired of going back and forth and I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt and jeopardizing my permanent happiness for temporary satisfaction. Stealing away for a lust filled moment only to have to walk away with wet panties and no orgasm *Sigh*


We made a promise again to not go back to the stairwell, and after this revelation.....I intend to keep my promise.

Can You Fuck Someone With Feelings and Emotions?

So Old Man wants to start back fooling around,, but here's the catch this go around...even though he's married, if we start back talking I can't get involved with anybody (meaning no Sexy Mexi and no Basketball), and if I happen to meet my potential future husband I have to tell him to kick rocks because Old Man said I can't talk to anyone what kinda shit is that??????. How is this even remotely fair to me???? Yes yes I know it's not fair to his wife, but we aren't talking about her; we're talking about me!!!!!! Also, I don't feel like being bothered with him. I'm slowly but surely getting Basketball out of my system I don't need him coming in trying to be my daddy controlling me and shit. I think he thinks he can make me fall for him the way he fell for me, but that shit ain't gonna happen. 


At one point, Old Man was cool but he fucked everything up when he told me he was in love with me. It totally made me look at him a different light. On top of that when I broke ties with him he was mad because of the reason I told him the shit had to stop....the reason was blatantly obvious.....IT WAS WRONG!!!!!!!! He was severely pissed about it and he still is now. I can't have a general conversation with him without him bringing it up.


The whole set-up with me and him wasn't all that great either. He left too many holes for people to find out about us. For instance, he always wanted me to come see him......in HIS department! What the HELL!!! So you want me to tra-la-la down to your area and people look at me like "Look at that jezebel fooling around that married man! Hmph!". I'm sorry but I don't want people all in my business like that. Not to mention the fact that either way no one is gonna look at him different, whisper when he walks by, call him a whore, or any of that. All of that is going to happen to me. But, him calling me to his department wasn't it. When he wanted to fuck, it wasn't "Let's go get a room" it was "Meet me at my truck" and this nigga wouldn't even have the decency to leave the parking lot where our co-workers parked! He would just wait them out!!!!!


I think back now and I want to kick myself for even getting involved with him. I was just starved for some type of attention from the opposite sex, that I just settled for what was in front of me. I was so starved that I slept with him even though I really didn't want to. I pretended to be into to him just for the attention. Now this negro is in love with me and I have yet to tell him that the feeling is not mutual. He says he fell in love way before we ever even fucked. So, when the time did come for us to sex it up he was already in love, and in his EXACT words he told me, "I wasn't fucking you JUST to be fucking you. I was fucking you with feelings, I fucked you with REAL emotion, Barbie. I love you and while I was fucking you, I fell IN love with you." 


Can you really FUCK with FEELINGS????? I have never heard of fucking with feelings or emotions, have you??? In my book, fucking was me laying there waiting for things to be over so I could go by McDonald's and get a strawberry shake and a medium fry, not genuinely feeling something for him and saying some shit like "OMG I LOVE HIM!!!! And his stroke let's me know that he LOVES me!''. But, apparently things were interpreted a little different with him. I really don't get how that chick pea sized brain in that peanut head of his works. I'm so confused and irritated when it comes to him I could spit! 


How do you get rid of a gnat that won't go and find someone else to buzz around??? I really  try to get rid of him and STAY rid of him but he keeps coming back like a bad rash. Then to make matters worse he claims he's in love. I constantly find myself wondering and questioning  where does his wife sit in his life???? Is she on a pedestal while he tries to hold me in his arms? Is it vice versa? does she even have a place? Has she given up on him and they are just playing the part for their son? Whatever it is when it comes to him and her I want to know. True, it may not be my business but I still want to know. He shuts down when I ask him; he changes the subject or says something like "why does she matter to you?, That's my wife!" Well damn!!!


Honestly though, I think I'm over the whole attention thing. I want him to get the picture, call Two Men And A Truck and move completely out of my life. I want things to be how they were when I told him what we were doing was wrong, he went the fuck off on me and then proceeded to act as if I didn't exist. But because he was 'in love' and he saw me and Basketball getting close he weaseled his way back in. Now he's trying to piss on me like I'm his favorite tree at the park! Really I need to figure out how to shake him because he won't leave . Not too long ago, I was trying to get off the elevator at work and he blocked me in questioning me about why I didn't call him back the other day. Then he proceeded to try to kiss me on the elevator!!! Ummm no sir!!! Back yo ass up!!! It's not even that kinda party....


All I can say is that I have my hands full when it comes to him and his "I fuck you with real feelings" bullshit. I just want to get rid of his ass and continue on with my little pathetic life. *sigh*


If only I knew all of this before, I would've NEVER allowed myself to give in and fall into this endless pit of wrong...

Sexy Mexi Part 2

I was caught stealing lotion.... Sexy Mexi walked in just as I rubbing in the final touches to give my legs a nice sheen, you know in case the pants were gonna come off. Surprisingly, he didn't call me out or anything. He just smiled at me, got a pair of basketball shorts out of the dresser drawer, helped me into them, and then kissed me ever so sweetly. We continued to kiss until those shorts were back on the floor.


Let me just say he gave me the BEST head EVER!!!!!!!!! That man is gifted with his mouth and tongue. He served me for about 30min; when I couldn't take anymore(yeah, I tapped out) I  motioned for him to get comfortable because I was gonna return the favor. I made sure the gag reflex was "turned off" so that I could really pull out all the stops for him; and boy did he enjoy it!!! I must say thinking back on his reaction to my mouth and throat...yes throat....game I need to give myself a pat on the back. Now I know I probably shouldn't be proud of this but.....I am for some reason. Hmmmmm. Anywho, moving on now.... 


He clearly showed that he enjoyed me and the things I could do. I gave him about the same amount of attention he gave me, maybe a little less, and then we went thru every position imaginable. Once we were done we just laid there for about 30min just kissing here and there. I got up and made may way to the shower and he went into the other bathroom. I take my time getting dressed. Just really processing my thoughts and getting myself together. 


 *getting a little off topic* I don't know what it is about sex, but you have an out of body experience. For some you say things you don't mean and others just go into another world while having sex. Not thinking of anything just enjoying the moment...


I get dressed and step out of the bathroom and I am immediately welcomed by the smell of breakfast cooking. I walk into the kitchen to see eggs, bacon, waffles homemade waffles,, take THAT Eggo!!!, and orange juice set out neatly on the table. We eat our food and talk some more. Go back to his room and watch a movie. He asks me if I want to stay the night, but I declined (I promised my little girl I would be at home when she woke up and even though she's only 1, I want to always try to keep my promises to her). So he walked me out to the car, kissed me sweetly one more time and I left.


After a night like that, and talking pretty much everyday, I am soo confused about his behavior now. I don't know what to make of it. He will tell me he wants to see me again, but I have yet to see him. He says he's really feeling me but I have yet to see his actions reflect his words....


Oh well.....


I know I said in one of my posts that I was gonna wash my hands of him, but my curiosity and attraction to him are making me hold on. But I will say I haven't called or texted him 3days. I've made him take the initiative to contact me. So far, he has been trying to call me and text me (even though the hours he calls and texts aren't ideal) he still tries.
We'll see what happens...

We Can't Seem To Let Go

I haven't seen Basketball since the day I got my feelings hurt. So imagine my surprise today when I run into him in the hallway. We greet each other and have a little small talk. Unfortunately, in the midst of our little impromptu meeting he did share some bad news with me...he lost his grandmother this past weekend :o(.
I asked him if he was ok and if he wanted to talk about it, he just said he would catch up with me later.


Later comes and I get a phone call and he was just really sad sounding on the phone. Because I genuinely feel bad I ask him to come and see me so we could talk face to face. I meet him at one of our favorite spots (not the stairwell)  and we talk. After a few minutes of random talk he tells me he really didn't want to talk about his grandmother he just wanted to see me.


We hang out for a little while longer before he says he has to get back to work, and then we make our way to our favorite spot..........THE STAIRWELL. We talk there for a few more minutes and right before we go our separate ways I give him a hug. (It was a "Sorry about your loss" type of hug, not a "I want to feel your body" type of hug). As we are pulling apart to seriously go our separate ways, he pulls me in and gives me the deepest most passionate kiss ever! We go at it non-stop for about 10-15min, only stopping here and there to look into to each others eyes. It was like a scene out of The Notebook. NO, it was more like that scene in Hustle & Flow when Terrence Howard went back to kiss Taraji P. Henson, it was one of those kind of kisses. 
Then, he whispers in my ear "When can I get it?" and I respond "Whenever you want it..." I know I was an idiot for saying that, but I'm not gonna lie, I DID want IT!!!!! All I wanted really was to just fuck him and get it over with. I wanted to get rid of the sexual tension that has been there since we met. I even suggested waaaay before he and his wife decided to stay together and get pregnant that we go ahead and get it out of the way shameless I know and he just said we couldn't because once we started fucking we wouldn't stop. It would be a continuous cycle of fucking until we slipped up, and we definitely didn't want that to happen.


Ok, where was was I??? Oh yeah, my dum dum answer "whenever you want it" ... he then says "If we fucked I KNOW I would nut in you and I don't want to put you or her (the wife) in any kind of situation, but damn I want to fuck you". In my head I'm saying I wanna fuck you too!!!!!! Come on let's do it right here right now!! How do you want it?????? 


He begins to walk off but he comes back and says "I know we said no more of this the last time and we both went back on our word, let's really swear this is it. We have to stop." He holds out his pinky (motioning for me to make a pinky promise). We link our pinkies (I know its lame) and we kiss one last time.


I will honestly say that I was really trying to keep my word when it came to Basketball and "The Sessions". I avoided him just so we wouldn't want to try to be alone. I really did put forth a conscience effort to stay away from him. But, now that we have made the "No More Sessions" declaration again I am going to keep my word this time.....SERIOUSLY I am.


 I have moments of clarity when I do realize that my actions, when it comes to Basketball, affect the things that are going on in my life (i.e. still being single) and my actions have the potential to affect my daughter and how she grows up and how she may act when she's older. I'm really trying to make good decisions but I let my body and heart take over my mind more than I should...

Sexy Mexi

I feel like talking about the night I met Sexy Mexi....


 A co-worker of mine, let's call her Negative well, because she's always negative... tells me her friend has a friend that was looking to meet someone. You know...that "he wanna meet a nice girl that has her shit together" type stuff. She thought I would be a good choice for this dude. Now Negative and I were never really "Chummy" at work. We would speak in passing and hold random conversation here and there, but I don't think anybody at work really classified us as friends. So I was very hesitant to jump on board.


After a few days of going back and forth with myself (I was very skeptical) I finally broke down and said "yes". I still couldn't help but wonder WHY I was the choice for this dude, did I seem desperate to her and that's why she wanted to hook me up, or did she actually think I was a good choice for him??? Who knows????? But anyway, we decided to meet at Applebee's because it wasn't too intimate and plus Negative and the friend were gonna be there as the "ice breakers"; which was ok with me because I didn't have the slightest clue of what I getting myself into.


I'm running late as usual, we were supposed to meet at 8pm but I got there at like 8:30pm. I walk in...look to my left and I see Negative. I look a little further left and I see this high yellow god looking at me. I will admit my jaw did drop, I recall having to make a conscience effort to close my mouth. He was just looking sooo good. He had a fresh Ceasar cut with waves that would make you sea sick if you looked at them too long. Muscular arms with some sexy ass tattoos!!! Ooh wee!!! I coulda sworn he had and aura glowing around him. Negative gets up and introduces us, we shake hands he was soo soft, smooth and hard at the same time, i didn't want to let go. I ask where the friend was, and Negative said he wasn't coming because he didn't want to upset his new wife (he was afraid if someone that knew her saw him out with us it would look like a double date; apparently she holds the reigns pretty tight when it comes to him. Sexy Mexi also told me that she really doesn't like him, so he figured that may have played a part as to why he didn't come). So we get our table and we have really good conversation. We had alot of stuff in common, there was never really a dull moment with us. 


We did have drinks, me in particular, I had 3 lemon drop martini's Oooh those things are so good!!! But, anyway, as we pay for our meal Sexy Mexi asks me did I want to go somewhere else with him. Of course I said yes! I hop into his car and we end up meeting up with the friend at a local bar and had a few more drinks there. Things are starting to wind down and he asks if I would like to go back to his place, not in a seductive manner or anything... we get into his car (so he can take me back to mine, and I trail him to his place) he looks at me and asks ever so sweetly if he could kiss me. You know I jumped at that opportunity!! All I can say is I wanted to suck his lips clean off his face!!!!! They were so soft and delicate. We kissed for about 10min before we got on the road to head back to my car. We kiss off and on at stop signs and red lights.... *lost in thought reminiscing on the feel of his lips*


Fast forward to getting to his place...
Ok now I told you I had some drinks, let's add them up really quick: 3 lemon drop martini's, water, 2 armaretto sours, some type of beer (I think strawberry-it was nasty!), 1 crown and coke, and 1 shot of tequila. With all that I had to drink you know the flood gates were about to burst at the seams!!! So when I get to his place the first thing out of my mouth was "where's the bathroom?" He directs me to the bathroom in his room. 


I'm sitting on the pot, over-joyed I didn't piss on myself in the car. I'm surveying the bathroom and something tells me to look at my legs....
I'll be damned, I'm ashy as fuck and I left my purse in my car!!!!! Damnit!!!!! I peep my head out the bathroom door and spot some lotion on his dresser. I quickly and quietly move across the room and fill my hands up with lotion. As I'm sitting in a chair trying to massage the lotion onto my legs, it seemed as if the more I tried to rub the shit in, the thicker it got! Sexy Mexi walks in his room and catches me!!!!!!


 I need to get back to work. I'll try to finish this up later....

Heart Pain :-(

Quick post.......

Yesterday, I was already a little pissed because I don't like how Sexy Mexi acts. I want to spend time with him and get to know him better but,  he makes that damn near impossible! I just don't understand....if you say you are feeling me and you do want to spend time and get to know me, why do you end texts like this: Later friend ???? I'm sooo confused when it comes to him. As much as I really don't want to, I think I'm gonna just wash my hands of him. He's not worth all this. He's fine,, but not THAT fine!!!!!

But anyway, back to the point of this post. I'm pissed because of Sexy Mexi, so by the time I get off work I just want to go home. I get off the elevator and outside I see Basketball. I get happy because I know I'm going to get some type of attention from him and I know he's gonna show that he's feeling me. 

Gotta get off topic for one second...

One of the things I like the most about Basketball is that he doesn't hide that he's feeling me (I know it looks bad because he's married and all) but he always makes it known if he could be single and choose again, he would choose me. 

Okay, back to the post... I see Basketball and sees me I start walking towards him, but I notice the expression on his face is a little strained. I take a better look and notice why he was looking the way he was. Standing beside him was his pregnant wife, and his step-daughter. 

I don't know why, but when I saw that sight I got sooooo sad. I wanted to cry! I wished it was me standing there with him and MY daughter!!!! I stood there for a moment, cleared the emotion from my face and walked to my car.  The only good thing about all of this is the fact that I didn't cry. 

But DAMN!!!! Seeing that made my heart feel like it had just been kicked by Bruce Lee wearing cleats!!!! Just seeing her with him....him with her...me standing there looking like dummy....ugh!

My heart hurts...

Is It Wrong????

*Is it wrong I want Basketball?


*Is it wrong I don't want Gotcha to train in Baskeball's department? (I don't want him or any other guy that finds me attractive in his department to think she is prettier than me)


*Is it wrong that I want Sexy Mexi to want me the way I want him?


*Is it wrong to wish The Decent Boyfriend was still here? (because I feel like I would be married by now)


*Is wrong for me to want to be engaged or at least have a boyfriend to make Basketball jealous?


*Is it wrong for me to want to tell Basketball when I have sex with someone? (again just to make him jealous)


*Is it wrong for me to want a guy to "run up behind me"?


*Is it wrong that sometimes I'm pleased with myself when I hurt someone else's feelings?


*Is it wrong for me to want to be in love 3yrs after The Decent Boyfriend's death?


*Is wrong that I am sorta happy my sister is fat now?


*Is it wrong that I don't care much for my parents?


*Is wrong I show my dog love than my parents?


*Is wrong I want to separate myself from my family?


*Is it wrong for me to use Old Man just for validation?


*Is it wrong I get pissed when a guy I think is attractive isn't into me? (I.E. Sexy Mexi)


*Is it wrong I'm mean to guys that I'm not attracted to, but they are attracted to me?


These are a few questions that about my character that I wonder about... Somethings I know are messed up and somethings are totally justified in my opinion.